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How am I always the martyr?
The test drive before the real thing.
The girl you feel you can practice on
before you give the real one a ring.

The girl who saw the potential
of a college student, unemployed.
Why does everyone else get the husband
and all I ever get is the boy?

Every one after me gets the house,
the dog and the white, picket fence.
How come everybody else just gets everything
and all I ever get is the rest?

I’m always just a stepping stone.
I’ll just be somebody else’s ex.
I always show people how to love
and then they use it on their next.
This one hits very hard.
it's a thing called depression
it crushes you down
squeezes at your throat so tightly
you're on the brink
only you can tip the scale
off the ledge
salvation is a hoax

this bitter temperamental thing
it deteriorates the brain
happiness bleached from memories
weaving into your form
gripping into the gaps of your flesh
holding you captive- capturing you
and gently lapping the life out of you
 Mar 2020 Austin Morrison
unnamed
Eyes are bloodshot staring at the alcoholic LEDs,
It would be impossible to rip them off of
The angelic glaze slathered on the screen.
Tears streaming on a face fixed for a permanent smile.
Can’t scream, not s’pposed to.
The eyes are taking in sips of wood alcohol
Littered with food coloring to make it seem like bourbon.
They know it’s not,
The burns all the same.
Eyes sleepless and fried while the screen fries itself.
Maybe it's time to shut them
i spend too much time on my computer lol
 Mar 2020 Austin Morrison
Split
Back in 2nd grade
a girl told me
that my crush
thought I was fat.

On that day
my mother held me
as I cried.
On that day,
I became fat.

In 4th grade,
I overate
to cope with trauma.

In 5th grade,
I looked in the mirror
and felt old words
pound in my brain.

my mother told me to **** in,
I was only in 6th grade.

On that summer,
I began to play tennis.
I was told I could be great,
If I lost some weight.

In 7th grade,
a boy told me
I was chubby.

At 12 years old
Eating stressed me out
but eating was how I dealt with stress.

Now at 17,
I call BS.

I was nowhere near fat.
When I was chubby,
I had the right.
I almost lost my mother,
weight is what was gained.

My peers,
along with those who cared,
rewired me to hate myself,
while begging
me to love myself.

By age 13,
changing rooms brought panic,
snacks brought guilt,
whilst mirrors screamed
hateful thoughts.

But now I know the truth.

Words matter.
 Mar 2020 Austin Morrison
Emmett
Happiness can be found not only in the obvious, light flooded areas.
I smile.
A laugh.
A night sky filled with stars.
A kiss, a hug.
Dying of laughter on the floor.
Sitting back on the lake and realizing you have a good moment and asking “what is life but this moment with infinite variation?”

But happiness can also be found in pain. In the dark places that haven’t been lit and where no friend will follow.
You cry on the bathroom floor,
filling the toilet with countless tissues
until you starting risking overflowing if you ever try to flush.
But then next morning you have a song you can sing for years to come;
a poem you will read to your grandchildren and watch the smile spread wide as they think “wow, he was just as young as us once”;
a new, redefined relationship.
All these things are happiness.
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