She said people were seasons,
and when I first met her, I couldn't agree more.  
After getting to know her, I wished that I didn't.
Her ex-lovers were Winter, and her eyes were a shade of Spring.
I could see the vulnerability of a car crash
swimming in each fountain trapped behind her emeralds.
She was beautiful in the way that could cause suicides,
and fix spider-webbed windshields after each collision of,
“Are you okay,” and, “I’m fine; I promise.”

Every story was Winter, and she was always left alone in the snow.
Mauve lips mouthed words that silently whispered,
"When is this too much? When are you going to leave?"

People are patterns,
and all she knew was the tessellation of temporary love and permanent loss.
Her hands trembled as she looked down.
She was in transit; moving after each hope of home fell apart.
And I wanted to kiss her like the world was falling apart.

My dad dug his foot into my back like a shovel breaking soil.
If I do enough push ups, can I put a smile on your face.
If I move the earth for you, will meteors stop me.

I carried sparklers in my hands while cannon-kisses erupted in the sky,
and my cousin swore that I'd hurt myself.
But I explained to him that history repeats itself,
and that my hurt is unavoidable.

Like the hug of a grieving grandmother,
and the staring off into space,
as her tears stain my white oxford lie.
There's no way to get out of this place.
Finding new ways to live in death.

I don't want to be cool. I don't want to be cool.

And her fingers left a ******* on my back.
And my mouth melted onto hers.
I love her until my eyes **** in sleep.
And it's deep. And it's deep.

The swirl of the ceiling sank down
like a child being drowned by his mother.
And I missed my brother, and I missed it all.

I don't want to be cool. I don't want to be cool.
No, not anymore.

It’s 8am, I’ve slept for about three hours and I’m awake for absolutely no reason, my heart is heavy.

It’s 10am, I fell back to sleep an hour ago and I just woke up. I’m checking my phone in hopes of something special but there’s nothing there.

It’s 11am, I’m getting in the shower and getting ready to go do something before I have to go to work.

It’s 1pm and I’m out venturing with a friend, pretending to enjoy myself but they can tell that I’m not feeling my best. I’m fine.

4pm rolls around and I’m going to work a ****** job with a bunch of people I can hardly stand. The only thing getting me through the night is hope that I’ll check my phone and get something from you.

8pm nothing.

10pm I’m off work now, that wasn’t terrible I guess.

11pm I change out of my work clothes, get comfortable and pour myself a drink a little stronger than usual.

12am still nothing.

1am I’m on my third or fourth drink and I’m feeling kind of drunk right now. Thinking of calling you but psyching myself out. I don’t want to come off as needy.

1:30am My drinks are getting stronger and my self control is getting weaker. I break down.

2:30am I can’t even walk straight anymore, I should probably slow down.

3am I’m not feeling very well now but I don’t want to waste this drink.

4am I’m throwing up and crying and there’s nobody here to help me. All I can think about is how I want your attention.

5am I’m curled up in bed, makeup smeared, I’m anxious and exhausted. I send you a text apologizing for being me and I fall asleep.

It’s 8am, I’ve slept for about three hours and I’m awake for absolutely no reason, my heart is heavy. Still nothing.