Oh God, they’re coming
Those bloodthirsty hounds.

Tangled roots catch my feet
As I weave through the myriad of trees.

Nowhere to hide.
No shadow for refuge

Where they won’t find me,
Those ******-driven hunters.

Knowing me better than myself
Able to predict every step I take.

Running from them for so long
My feet have grown tired.

Being kept at bay
They have become impatient and strong.

I feel their hot breath on my neck.
I hear the pads of their feet pounding the ground.

I scream out for anyone to help
But my cry falls on deaf ears.

The nasty creatures pin me to the ground,
Stealing the air from my lungs.

Forcing me to look into its cold blue eyes
I feel it overtake me.

Its icy venom seeps into my bones,
Polluting my mind. My soul. My body.

Taking possession.
I feel its stone grasp.

The emotions course through my body,
Flooding the numb temple I had kept.

A silent tear escapes my eye,
That disgusting abomination.

Oh God,
Make it stop.

The call came
blindsided, heart stunned
eyes hazy from confusion
or tears.

Your habit caught up to you
needle tainted body
dosed with too much
unable to function.

Death inevitable
and I saw how this would play out
but ****
how it stings.

Never to run fingers
across your skin
brush your lips
with mine.

Blue eyes
no longer mine
light fled
as well in my world.

Guess it turned out
I wasn't a reason to stay
and now you have robbed
me of my most prized.

I already miss you.
agony overcomes
as your memory
slips into the abyss.

At least you're no longer in pain.
My sweetheart.
My darling.
My world.

Day after day I find my mind drifting back to you. To imagined conversations that we would never have outside of my mind. The kind of conversations where I pour my anger out into the open. Where I inflict pain to regain balance in the situation. Where I make you feel like **** for treating me like ****. Where I make you give one ounce of emotion…more than you ever gave me willingly.
In my mind I had told you that I hated you. That I wish the same pain on you that you had carelessly inflicted on me. That YOU were the one that was bad for ME, yet I am the best thing that will ever happen to you and it's a **** shame that you won't realize it until it's too late.
I would make you aware of all the nights I stayed up crying over you. Of all the sacrifices I made and the lies I told just for this to work. I would point out the three scars that serve as proof of this terrible pain.
I had imagined all of these interactions. Planned out every scenario yet I know how it would really play out.
I would look into those hollow blue eyes where the interest had faded. I would search desperately for the boy I once knew. I know he's somewhere in there. And I would tell you that I still love you. And nothing would ever change that.

This house was allowed to stand
For far too long.
Vacated months ago,
It is merely a monument of the past.
A memorial of what has been lost.
Condemned to neglect and termites,
Slowly eating away the skeletal fortress.

Whose intent to be a mighty castle
Withered into a creaking shack.
What we thought to be everlasting
Was unable to hold on till summer.
An allusion that was cruelly not a reality.

Windows busted out.
Siding slowing peeling away.
Leaks in the roof multiply.
The tiny problems we ignored early on
Transformed into halting hazards.

The only company it now holds
Are the ghosts of what has been and what will never come.
As I walk by this abandoned house,
The ghosts call out in mimicking tones,
Painfully reminding me of our past.

And so I burn it down.
Setting fire to everything I had ever known.
The life with you that I was so afraid to leave.
Destroying every tie I had to you.
Killing off every hope of your return.
It is painful. But necessary.
I cry now so I can be happy later.

those three words you have repeated time after time again

those three words, the same, meant differently each time.



I love you.



I love you, don’t be mad.

I love you, please stay.

I love you, let’s ****.

I love you, it’s not personal.

I love you, but no.



don’t tell me that you love me,

how dare you take that weapon into my back

as I tried to walk away.

anchors cast around my ankles

that were striding towards liberation.

don’t tell me that you love me

as we walked down the streets of downtown

after a month of silence in which I thought I had lost you.

but the way that your eyes smiled

when I echoed those words back,

it was a trap I couldn’t help but to fall into.

don’t tell me that you love me

when silence was on your end

after I drove 78 miles to see you.

later I came to learn that you were

getting high with your buddy Anthony.

don’t tell me that you love me

when you’ll never love anything more

than that chemical you inject into your body.

don’t tell me that you love me

and then go **** the girl

that had your heart before me.

you brought her into the relationship

from the very start,

an unintended *******.

don’t tell me that you love me

and not hold me in the night,

turning your back, yet again

keeping me on the outside.

don’t tell me that you love me

just to drag me back in.

don’t tell me that you love me

when you made sure to destroy

every ounce of self respect I had.



don’t tell me that you love me.

Suddenly I am a wildfire.

My warning rolled off my lips,
as you threw matches at my feet,
retreating from the angry burn.
A smile on your face, you knew
the game I was unwilling to play.

I was your martyr, and you,
the sword through my throat.
Baptizing me in my own blood,
painting me every hue, yet still
I was not the right shade for you.

This is more than flint and friction,
this is arson by your hand. It was
your breath that gave life to the
immaculate inferno that I am.

Suddenly I am a wildfire

and I am out of your control.
I am more than your narcissism,
a maelstrom of malice to the blistered
fingertips that had scared
this sacred skin.

Hear the sirens sing my name
while no one whispers yours.
The damage is done and out
of your hands, nothing more
that you can say.

I am the fire that will never
truly die, see my essence in
the embers and how even when the
heat subsides, cleansed charred
grounds give new life and you
will realize that while you were
merely the fuel, I was the force.

I’ve been watching, breathing in your skin
Breathing in the shadow that is left
Breathing in the words left hanging
in the stars above the river. Above the drunken
teenagers stumbling over feet and syllables.
There you left, counting the stars on my own
Counting the steps you take away from home.
Feeling the pull as you strayed from me
Feeling the threads break oh-so easily.
But when I saw you, I didn’t know your face
Your voice had changed. The girl had changed.
She clung where I held, and kissed the lips that were mine
Kissed a smile that I’ve never seen before.
So I will no longer be watching, holding your bones
I will no longer be lurking, waiting for you to come home.

Staring at the wall,
The textured, bright green painted wall.

Listening to every breath I take,
As if they belonged to another.

So much effort, so much work
To lift my ribcage,

To claim air into my lungs
In the will to live.

Exhaling in shaking rhythms,
As if the deed is painful.

In a way, it is.
By surviving everyday,

More days follow
That I face the ugly mug of reality.

And that’s what pains me.
How the rainbow colored world so vividly painted at an early age

Was a lie.
That sometimes no matter how hard you try,

Bad wins no matter what.
And there’s nothing I can do about it.

So I take refuge in the warm cocoon of blankets,
Staring at my bedroom wall.

Let myself sink into another world
Where silence floods every corner.

Where no one can reach me.
Not even reality.



Closing the doors in the faces of everyone and everything,
Leaving me alone to my empty mind and quiet room.

It seems like my room is the only place left
That reality can’t find me.

So I lay here,
Safe for now.

kiss my ribs and hold my bones
tracing the veins along
my lungs collapsed
begging your shadow to stay.

I was a child
dancing in the eyes of monsters
alive, angry, desperate for nothing to settle
to keep moving, to hurt so little.

He told me:
If you want to cut yourself,
then you're going to have to take my arm,
look me in the eyes,
and cut as many times as you would yourself.
I told him:
I couldn't hurt you like that.
and then I understood.
everything.

i have come to late realization that i am selfish. that i, myself, am the very epitome of what i despise. but that is probably the root of all of this self-hatred. this consuming self loathing that i have allowed to define myself. and that i love all of this hostility. that i thrive off of it. that i am, in fact, a terrible person. i submerge myself in these fiery waters because that's all i have known. i am so in love with my hate, my sadness, and pain. i am infatuated with my own misery because that's what makes me different. i'm self destructive because simply i'm bored. drugs, *****, *** all because i was uncomfortable with the dull lead feeling settling in my body.

your lips lost their taste
trailing on the breath
of the brown-haired girls

but they all look like me,
so, close enough.

document  the hours passed
with the emptying bourbon glass
you told me that you don’t like bars
so I left in the back seat of your car
I told myself that I wouldn’t drink this much tonight.
but tonight you won’t stop looking at me
you won’t stop tracing my cheek
and I wouldn’t want you to anyways.
I wonder when the neighbors will wake up
will they still have rings of their makeup
pressed onto their lover’s neck?

I thought I wanted to stay 18 forever
but then we wouldn’t have a forever
in the living room, sipping whiskey on your couch
waiting for the world to just slow down.
but if you could stop to listen
you could hear everyone’s existence
balancing delicately on the seconds running by.
our forever is tonight.

bruises under my eyes
scars on my wrist
weights on my feet.

unbearably difficult
to function normally
as if i know what normal is.

i relived your death
your funeral
every single day.

i've dreamt of your face
to be harshly woken
by cold reality.

he pulled the stitches
around my scars
and they fell undone
in his hands, beautifully
laced between his fingers.
he kissed away the bruises
the blemished story of
my skin. the scathed
remnants are all i have.
the gentle touch of
his goodbye. the hand
clasped around my neck
tightens with each step
he takes away from me.
please stay.

“Hey, look at me,” he words crept into the darkened room. His hand sweeping my chin to face him. Through the pulsing wave of drunkenness and the thick night time air, I could still see his green eyes, the crease where his dimples carve into his face, and the way the corner of his lips tug to the side before he is about to say something.

“I love you,” he said.

Closing my eyes in a smile, a warmth spread through my chest. A relief. A verification that maybe my life can be this perfect.

“I love you too,” I replied, kissing his face.

It took no thought for me to give this promise, because although he may think that he was the one that said it first, I have been repeating it to him this past month. I whispered those words as his head rested on my chest. I whispered them when he brushed my hair out of my eyes and kissed my forehead. I whispered them when I realized that I have never been this truly happy in my life.

“It’s been so long since I’ve been this happy,” he slurred into my cheek, kissing my skin. He had no idea.

i saw i caught your eye
skin like a pearl in the pale moonlight
even though our timing wasn't right
i could tell you were mine.

we ran in circles over again
trying to fight time that was never our friend
as you, fingertips from my hand
don't call it quits, babe, this can't be the end.

but as the days passed on
i could tell that something was wrong
you didn't look at me the way you used to.
you changed the song
and now it's been so long
since the last time i've seen you.

please don't walk away
i asked you to stay
just this once.
i won't be okay
going through the day
with you gone.

brushed your shoulder as i walked by
like your heart, the touch was ice
this is something i can't make right
because you're not mine.

i want to kiss your lips again
mouth to mouth and skin to skin
your white shirt wearing thin
forget the rules and give into the sin.

silhouettes and silken sheets
biting skin while climbing trees
we held the candle for too long
made a wish, held my breath
and now...it's gone.

august nights call my name
familiar voice but the face is not the same
he held my hand, told me sweet things
I closed my eyes while it was happening
friendly touch with the coldest sting...

he had soft skin and the kindest touch
flames caught fire, I loved him too much
said I was suffocating him
but I couldn't breathe without him.

he had a different face, hid behind a mask
stupid girl, stop chasing the past
it only comes back to hurt you
no one can hurt me like you do.

I swear I've seen your face before
he had ocean eyes and a deadly smile
that made a heart stop--stop and bleed for a while
but ****, that smile.

count the years that you held me close
broke my neck when I trusted you the most
you had the loveliest lies...
water fills my lungs
as you hold me down
said I was suffocating him
when it was the other way around.

i do not trust
i do not give
i do not love
i do not live

i do not feel
cannot sympathize
i do not laugh
and i do not cry

His rosary repeats every chance
the means collect in pocket of his
well-torn jeans held up by a busted
leather belt, destroyed by bicep
binding and makeshift holes.
His meditation is medicated,
his god is chemically composed.
The stigmatas rise in elbows
covered by long sleeves in
July’s heat. He says he can see
heaven, not in glints of white light,
but in clandestine calm. In his
induced repose he repents
to the soft hum of Tuesday’s
sun, and once again,
he wakes.


A.M. Davis

He was like reading a book
at the kitchen table, while waiting
for the kettle to boil, and the
blinds letting in just enough light
as to not disturb the cat (if you have
a cat) in its peaceful slumber
on the counter, next to the flowers
you have set out.
That overwhelming sense of
home before the eeriness of too much
silence crept up on you, and you’d
have to move because suddenly the
air no longer held the serene
feeling it had only a moment ago.

He was danger. But you loved it.
Because he kept you on edge,
that alert he made you feel.
Your sudden awareness to everything.

He made you feel so ******* alive.

But he leaves, almost too quickly.
Like sunlight behind the clouds,
and as abrupt as the screeching
of steam as water boils.

And you realize he doesn’t
quite feel the same way you do

crimson coated finger tips. prints seared onto sticky handle of the means to an end. no salty tears can lift the evidence. the stain. rocking back and forth, uncontrollable screaming. cradling his head in my lap.
please
please
please wake up
putting pressure on the injury i myself inflicted. stabbed over and over into his heart with not a second thought.
*im so sorry

Golden sun through cyan shades
Interrupted by smiles and laughter
Running through the tall grass
We were children.
You taught me how to fish
And I taught you how to love
But I apologize because
Even I had no idea.
But we were children
And we were told that
Age mattered and worlds separated.
But I longed for that summer.
And I watched out the window for you
To finally return to the days
Of never ending sunlight.

Years had passed
But time pulled us together
We were never far away.
But I returned to you
Not as a little girl anymore.
I had scars and bruises of my own.
Painted black and blue.
And you held me
And you kissed every imperfection
And they were made golden.

Age never mattered
To the kindred spirits.

stuck in an endless circle
having no interest in the destination
yet here I am, moving forward

I wish I had the courage
to choose myself.

there is bravery in normality
but for me, I am just
blending in.
I don't want to make a fuss.

he took my hand
carried me to where the cold
hugged my ribcage and
sang through my lungs.

our fears on our backs
to godly heights, there
the world turned at our feet.
The sun kissed your cheek.

our bodies melted into the snow
and the trees reached over,
cradling our shut eyes
and heavy breathing.

whisper me your sorrows
and I’ll kiss each one
from your lips. Your smile
is far too beautiful to hide.

Loving Landon was like stepping into the inferno.
The fire warped my shell, my sheltering cage
and exposed my nerves in oranges and reds.

I knew it would destroy me from the very start.
I knew exactly what I was doing.
But in those moments, my god, I was alive.

I hate this. The feeling of complete incompleteness when I leave him that tends to ambush me moments after I leave his house. As if I had lost a limb, a leg if you will. Yes, I can find substitutes. I can find a prosthetic, but it's not the same. I will always feel the pain of losing that leg. I will always slightly limp, the new one does not work as well as the original. He is a part of me.

So when I leave, I spend hours and maybe even days locked in my room. I wear his sweaters day and night, his smell clinging to the fibers. I read the books he gives me, and sometimes it feels like we're reading it together. I listen to the playlist he sent me and I swear I can hear  him singing.

And I know I'll see him again. But what am I to do in the meantime while bleeding out?

will you please open up the door
this time I'm ready to come in
I know what I've said before but
there is nothing more left that I can give.
all those years you left it open
all those years you called my name
but I was a child then, yet to learn
that things don't remain the same.
I will be here, waiting
it's okay to take your time
and I know if I were you
in your shoes, I wouldn't give
a second chance, I'm not going to lie.
but I really miss my friend here
he was all that I had left
I was too stupid to realize you,
out of all, were the best.
oh, just to see you smile
even if I'm not the reason anymore
just please, old friend, please
will you open up the door.

days like this remind me of how mentally ill I am. Why he left me. Why I want him. Why most of my friends got tired of my ****. Why my family is discomforted by my presence.

I feel like every time I'm in the room with them, I have to excuse myself. I cannot conjure the energy anymore to act like everything or even anything is alright.

So here I am, drunk out of my ****** mind, legs wobbling like a fawn just learning to walk. I can barely slur the words I want to communicate with the nameless guy next to me, seemingly incapable of speech. Yet your name rings loud and clear. Landon. My mind in a foggy haze, trying to collect itself yet there is only one thought that is as stable as my most sober thought. You. You are always there. In my minds most vulnerable state, I always circle back to you. It will always be you. Don't you get it?

I want those ocean eyes to glisten
like crystals in the sun
take my hand down alleyways
right where we begun
I want to be shiny and new
so not to lose you.

I've been painting a smile
I've been hiding behind a mask
I don't know what I'm running from
but that I was running fast
for nothing to settle
for nothing to repeat

all my life has been halted by
the fear of meeting peoples eyes
the fear of meeting the mirror
don't hold me close to hold me back
I've been searching for this meaning that I lack
and I can't find it in your eyes.

trust me, don't start a conversation
don't fill your head with expectations
I'm teenage angst waiting to break free
don't hold me, don't say I love you
don't start now and make me want you
when I don't even want myself.

Surely, I deserve this. My tears are bittersweet irony; they stain my pillow as a mocking reminder of naïvety. This is what I get for believing that he could do no wrong. This is what I get for committing to a person and believing that I could turn his life around.   For dragging him through rehab twice in vain. For walking into his room on July 5th one year ago to find his unconscious body on the floor. For crying to the god that I do not believe in to save the only thing on this ******* miserable world that I love. To not let me lose him again. This is what I get for calling 911, for trying to hold back the tears so they could understand that my boyfriend overdosed on ****** in his bedroom. For waiting all night in the hospital only to be ignored by him for not letting him succeed on his suicide attempt. This is what I get for believing him each time he came back to me. For being the only security in his life.
These past years I have lost a lot. I have watched all of the closest friends drift away. And I held onto Landon with such consuming fear that I might lose all sense of familiarity. But it is so painful to love something that does not want to feel.
I fear I have lost everything in my life. There is no meaning in this life. I have lost mine.

you say "**** it"
and you leave me at the bar.
I can see the first cigarette
you've had in weeks
being lit in the post-midnight
Joplin air.
and I toss my head back
and let ***** hug my veins
and rock me into the space
where all the edges are soft
and the air is twice as thick,
making the space between
the bar and the sidewalk
that much apparent.

i find it kind of humorous how i'm so broken, so messed up inside that everyone has given up on me.
they told me they would be by my side all through recovery. almost a year has passed and they're just now realizing my illness cannot be veiled by medication. that my demise was a part of my life. i still wake up screaming, running away from monsters just to wake up and face them in the daylight.

i'd rather be alone than to forgive people. or at least apologize. they hurt me and it's my fault for letting them get so close. i am a mistake. paralyzed by the inability to socialize, to love, to be happy. i just can't do this.

no one else is around because i pushed them away. so i deserve this.

moving on from you was my hardest task.
is my hardest task. present tense.
my friends’ concern grows with each
day that I spend confined to my room,
each day a word does not pass through
my mouth and they ask me why you were
so special. what about you hooked me.

and it is fair of them to ask cause I would
not expect them to understand the way
the morning sun lit up your eyes.
they’ve never noticed how that curl of your
hair always falls across your face. or
the way the right side of your mouth
raises a little higher than the other when
you’re about to say something sarcastic.
they don’t know how intimidating yet
intriguing you are, that it intoxicated me.
I had to always be near you.

and now you left me here to wake on
my own, to think only about your eyes
and the morning sun and how even you
managed to make 6 am so wonderful.
but you’re not here and the clock reads
1 pm and I still can’t manage to get out
of bed. how can I tell them what I’ve lost?
I’m left with this gaping wound that no one
can see, and drowning in the words I can’t speak.

that was when my habits just got worse. i was so incredibly angry with everything. i was so confused by my feelings and wants and needs. i became so self destructive that even others who didn't know me could see the effects. one day, senior year, a blonde girl in my photography class grabbed ahold of my arm for closer observation. the gashes stung and they ripped open anew.

"why do you do this to yourself?" she asked. it was so blunt. this girl i didn't even know asked a question that my closest friends were too afraid to even mutter. i was so shocked, i did not know how to react but gather my belongings and leave.

i became someone other than myself. i no longer recognized the reflection in the mirror. the eyes hazed with indifference, body aching and weak from the constant loss of blood. for safety reasons i will not describe everything i did out of confusion. but it got to the point where sobriety was like an itching wooly  sweater, clinging to my neck.  

i was called to the office by three separate teachers over those two semesters, i was able to beg two of them not to call my parents. they were 'concerned' because i 'was not acting like myself.' i was such an angry, hateful person. angry that the man i loved didn't want to be alive, to stick around for me. angry that my parents never spoke up. that was all i needed. just for them to tell me to stop.

nothing particular sparked the suicide attempt. just a continuous dissatisfaction with the world, i suppose. so vertically i drew the razor blade, releasing me finally.

with detachment, he stole my world.
the very breath from my lungs,
leaving only the hollow ache in my ribs
and mourning holding my bones on fingertips.
our room is silent now. and you told me it
would no longer be ‘our’ room. but only
after you stained it red with hollow intentions
and empty promises. the memories, your
voice is a deafening numb that pulses through
my ears constantly reminding me of the weight
of your absence. the dark shades that hang
from my eyes rock me to sleep as your
voice sings Moon River.  
memory has never failed me until I try
to recall our last kiss, the last truth from
your lips. because I can’t remember how
your smile tasted or the gentle glide of
your hands but their scars are all over
my body and they won’t let me rest.

coffee rings flood the
rivers on the maps.
the number of lipstick-stained
cigarettes document the miles
under our feet. buttoned shirts
and greasy hair. letting only
the stars tell the time.
the world seemed infinite through
the mirrors. possibilities thrived
in the towering trees and the
deep green of life.
your hand in mine,
where it was always meant to be.

there you were
holding me under the sea.
sunlight dancing
through each wave that crushes me.
you claimed you’ve tried
to keep my balance just right
but it was your hands
keeping me down every time.
my concrete feet
do not need help from your grasp.
underwater, convinced
every breath was my last.
I feel your shadow
hovering over me
yet I can’t shake you
can’t find a way to be free.
you colored my flesh
your fingerprints all over me
but I still find a way to love you
as I’m stuck here, swallowing sea.

her skin shone like moonstone
as if the universe she held
was able to illuminate her
bedroom as she stood before me.
for so long she was nothing
but a daydream. an unexplored
option that I was too nervous
to venture to. but the way her
hands held mine and how sweet
the *** tasted when it sat on
her lips intoxicated me. I had
to touch her face to assure myself
that she is in fact real. that it
was really her navy blue eyes
that begged me to give in.
she was the most beautiful being
and she was just against my
fingertips. she held my heart
between her teeth, holding
the power to devastate me.
what was there to be afraid of?

You never gave a ****, did you? You pompous, self pitying parasite. You asked me if I trusted you and I truthfully answered 'yes' and you took that yes, oh you took it as a confirmation to do what ever the hell your needy, twisted brain desired. I trusted you to stay around. To respect me and stand by me. To not randomly disappear out of my life without hesitation.
I gave you my heart. I became that stupid girl that actually loved someone. That grew attached to someone. And naturally, it turned around and slapped me across the face. I idolized you. A grand mistake, and yet I could not avoid it.

I'm happy for you. No. I'm proud of you. And it feels weird saying that, as if I stand on the podium of a proud parent but no, you are in fact the one that is raised to the light. Our eyes have never met level anyways. As a friend, I am happy and overwhelmed of what you've become.
I'm afraid I do not have beautiful words to say to you. I've misplaced beauty a while ago. All I can offer is a smile and a goodbye.

you were not meant to stay here.

you like to count each candle
but hate when the wax drips down
burning you so naively
in its gentle, innocent
way. you blamed the blisters rising
on my hands, you stained them red.
these broken bones left to mend,
this weight that was never mine
is now left for me to bear.
you ask about the cracks and tears
when you didn’t handle with care.

i have found myself in a club. not established out of intent, but the tugs of the earth and its circumstance have strung us together. we found ourselves, brows beaded with sweat and hands bloodied and calloused. we did not mean to form, but we were meant to. to meet each other’s exhausted eyes, glazed over with indifference from the constant prejudice of cards dealt, and no words were spoken. none were needed. we met each other’s eyes and we knew that finally we had found someone.

we are the conquerers of the forgotten. we are the collectors of broken glass and innovators of redemption. we are artists of absurdity. failure is face all to familiar. but we are not bitter. failure is the reminder of the ultimate goal.

this was not of intent, but what beautiful people.

if it would put you at ease,
I will strip myself down,
baptize myself in your sea,
by your hands I will drown.

if it would quiet your mind,
I’ll sew my own mouth closed.
actions grow louder with time,
hollow intentions disposed.

you are the air in my lungs,
the god to which I pray
the religion on my tongue
I return to each day.

save me from a life without you,
give me a love that will consume.