this is the only way to say
that to really h e a r the music,
one must close one’s eyes.

-

when switzerland isn't switzerland,
the least you can do is pause.

-

and this feels different,
because it is different.

-

and when you fight,
i fight.

_

because if you fall,
i fall.

-

this is how it has always been,
and how it m u s t be.

it takes all of my
strength
just to keep track of the truth.
i have none left
to power a lie.

what does it mean
when you realize you
have been trained for
over a decade on how to
respond to an active shooter
via your exposure
to the realm
of educating children?

what does it mean
to know all
the actions one would take
in any building
with any variety
of construction,
or number of people
all with varying degrees
of physical ability?

to know the defenses
the tricks
the tape
the block
the quiet voice
of strength?
the look in the eyes
of control?

the everyday objects that
would make a good weapon.

what does it mean
to know exactly how many children
can fit in the closet?

here?

what does it mean
to know that HERE?

what
IN THE ****
does that mean?

when you catch a glimpse
of yourself
and realize you accidentally
have the hair
of the emperor of rome,
just seize the day, *****.
create a political system,
carve some statues,
force men to fight in a pit
to the death.
i don't know, man
lol

(especially if you are the fool)
-

i am the ship,
and i am the captain.
i'm dropping anchor
h e r e.
i am the anchor.
i am the sea,
i am the sun,
and i am the land.
i am the calm,
and i am the s t o r m.

(what you can see)

when no one can see what you can see.
when no one can see what you can see.
when no one can see what you can see.

ender,
i said,
i know you don’t like dubstep,
but
this song, b r o
it’s ill

today i realized,
absurdly,
that this very foreign,
warm,
light
amazing feeling
is what the dictionary
or jeopardy would
refer to as
euphoria;
and i'm sorry,
but that's hilarious.

this dope ***
bright red yellow pink sun
in the rearview.
an energy, without doubt.
while she sings
"don't hurt yourself"
and i decide
i will try harder
not to,
and that i only want
the imaginary brand new
futuristic race car
if i can have it
with complete abandon -
sure in the knowledge
that it could be crumpled
and imperfect in minutes -
a loss a loss a loss.

i would only want it
if i could truly accept its destruction
the cryptic length of
enjoyment without worry.
then i could
race that machine
be that machine
love that m a c h i n e

i had a thought
to write a thing
but as soon as it emerged
it sunk again
back to the pool
of brewing ideas

a new song
and
suddenly time
has s l o w e d
the air is thick
skin is hot
breath is short
my body moves
differently and
suddenly he
is here,
inside this new soundtrack,
a beautiful figment
of daydream and memory.

(in my heart of hearts)


to please stop
asking me to
a c c e p t the cookies.

( sweet corn | work zone ahead | do not pass )

i think everyone is everyone.
i simply can't help it.

some days
you hit every red light
and get stuck behind
a literal **** truck
for miles on end
when it's 85° and
the a/c is broken.

and i'm pretty ******* certain
that if you don't want to hear it,
you're not gonna hear it.

and if you don't want to learn,
you're not gonna learn.

and it's not my fault
you can't attune your
listening ears.

there is no
what should be
there is only
what is.

sometimes i get the edges
(the glimpses of a dream)
the moment you think to r e a c h
that thing is already
- gone -

the thought was conjured,
for a moment, just_
that i am already anything
i could ever need to be...
and better than even
i thought i could be
(in this backwards time.)

you don't even realize
the seconds turn to stacks
and what you thought was new
now is old old old
and yet here you are
and the only clear thought
is a new thought

(deepdeepdeep in the cut)



beautiful girls with long braids
quiet boys with tears in their eyes
yellow birds
and pink trees

flutes and drums and haunting strings
drifting smoke
sleepy cats
blanket on blanket on blanket

the sad thing,
is that you would
love to hear the story
i have crafted.
honest to god.

you would adore the idea,
you really would.

and yet,
it will remain in this
strange realm
of fabulous ideas
known only to me.

and ****, what a world
i have crafted,
if only you could see.

call it what you will
i know i can create life
with just this thought
alone

(i can, but i won't.)

i am this,
but i am also not this.

i see you
but i won't say so,
until i will.

but if i hear it,
i might feel it.
and if i feel it,
i might become it.

when someone loves you
they take you with them
as free and as far
for as long
as they
can

has the time come?
the limit reached
max allotment for
any semblance of a thing
to remain that thing?

it shouldn’t be
so hard to believe
that i made it for me
that i said it for me
or that i did it for me

i got t i r e d
of being enslaved
by the idea
that i had to
relentlessly justify
my very right to e x i s t
that i had to prove
again and again and again
my purpose
my worth
my supreme health and vitality
my endless energy
availability
flexibility
my moral ******* i n g superiority

(that’s why)

(with blue cheese lacking the desired tang)


sore arms
purple masks
East 1999
alternate routes
breadsticks
tears
cats on high alert
cold hands
gas stations
powder
witches
vampires
&
s p a c e s h i p s

you know
friday night
b u c k w i l d
when it involves
lidocaine patches
naproxen sodium
& ice packs
after challenging yourself
to a dance off
and don’t be a punk
if the patch dislodges
and gets stuck in your hair
just dislodge it again
#onwardandupward
#checkyourhead

i limited myself
on purpose
set up a procedure
for my future self
to pause at
a certain place
and be considerate
but when my warning arrived
from the past me
that turned future me
now to now me
and now me
and n o w me
i could still decide
whether to accept my
own rule or
completely discard it
and glimpsed i am
all the me’s
in all of the times
and in all of the projections
and in all of the reflections

what will happen
when the sun comes back?
what will happen then?
what will happen then?

will   things   love   time   thing   life   eyes   feel   light   people   mind   beautiful   thought   find   heart   man   place   face   moment   good   hard   night   day   imagine   earth   hope   sun   going   better   music   truth   hear   air   space   woman   men   break   white   suddenly   ****   understand   body   black   women   wrong   best   real   brain   art   word   cry   girls   *******   keep   remember   wall   fire   lies   path   pretty   sure   red   hold   blue   sleep   thoughts   thinking   speak   sound   human   terror   stand   tears   feeling   move   fool   dark   ****   matter   pain   voice   listen   sad   years   state   strange   learn   *******   water   sky   left   times   golden   crazy   record   forward   coming   person   wanted   fear   desire   bad   care   kind   felt   queen   sense   glass   making   winter   hair   days   deep   song   mine   true   power   long   dream   green   matters   breathe   entire   create   paper   single   woods   fall   lost   hey   realize   live   looked   stupid   knew   watch   beauty   moving   walk   quiet   strength   guess   decide   choose   close   help   silence   cold   reality   write   trees   fine   bright   pieces   feet   loved   eye   birds   smile   sister   cast   money   listening   bird   lines   question   honest   figure   hell   simply   gold   work   build   metal   fast   follow   lips   gonna   piece   blood   trust   ***   head   forget   describe   silver   silly   happened   color   bass   hate   wild   inside   hand   call   great   dead   walking   god   chest   big   ready   ideas   order   hands   grey   nice   year   afraid   car   game   pull   takes   paint   today   sadness   sounds   breath   burn   wine   high   lights   fact   job   clear   closer   point   grasp   cool   smoke   thinks   aware   minutes   heavy   stars   sake   full   ground   bring   straight   stay   throw   family   taught   waves   songs   second   children   literally   running   dreams   free   sit   alive   save   heard   open   easily   ways   education   nature   sweet   house   lose   happiness   death   wait   slowly   ago   tree   mouse   despair   bones   memory   fly   seek   storm   note   brilliant   circle   country   reach   side   wood   girl   hiding   baby   told   mitsubishi   boy   crying   yellow   retreat   corner   *****   story   moves   pretend   standing   boom   bed   meaning   guys   telling   cousin   whisper   watched   opponent   gaze   jesus   humanity   hot   cheese   slow   universe   warm   rush   soft   ****   escape   colors   gin   constantly   fair   imagined   leave   die   pay   young   gotta   utter   revealed   brought   school   leaves   data   clearly   apart   absence   guts   blankets   start   flow   idea   eat   liberated   happy   problem   nights   tiny   yeah   grow   dragon   arms   attention   orange   finally   recognize   force   seriously   play   sitting   wife   sick   opposite   expect   void   action   knowing   rare   purpose   deserve   strong   completely   teach   hide   shape   answer   father   simple   alert   sir   ice   turn   names   rage   decided   lives   perfect   circles   hours   wind   caught   tight   room   calm   worth   energy   future   liar   government   pink   falling   exactly   secret   challenge   vast   center   direct   lay   letting   stones   weight   surely   miserable   reading   assault   cuz   watching   happening   admit   met   serious   legs   president   stories   struggle   shine   shadow   unable   ahead   purple   smell   turns   worst   crushing   moon   shining   turned   roll   hurt   teeth   wanting   talk   child   land   angry   pounding   low   utterly   consider   failed   change   funny   mouth   held   distracted   feels   fail   news   empty   dance   ugly   mile   joy   raw   view   squirrel   teacher   dust   reasonable   fun   walls   fingers   road   complete   allow   touch   fed   confusion   reflected   growing   add   someday   paying   grass   born   strike   bend   pulling   brings   searching   dancing   burning   reaching   pretending   mirror   fight   violence   weapons

and apparently,
some days
your body hurts
and you peel
a cucumber in bed
when you realize you
should probably eat
and then you throw the peels
right on
the ******* floor
(just for now)
(just because you can)

so sue me!
i like to drive fast
let me
have this one
mf joy
and just move that honda, boy!
crank that shaft, dawg
and just get out
the way, dude!
all you have to do
is get out
the way!

if i were to
hear your voice
i would be
crushed to ashes
to dust
to gold
and thrown into
the sky
only to fall
as a star
to the earth
to dust
to ash
to particle
to light

i suddenly know
what i would make
for you
(if i were a person
that made things
for you)

i’m not good at remembering
dates or names or numbers
but i do remember this message
with utmost clarity

delivered to me in elementary school
sitting in a desk
silence
facing forward
toward the chalkboard
the teacher pointing
to the word “assume”
centered on the board:

arrows were drawn
and the lesson made clear

“when you assume,
you make an
*** out of
u and me.”

might as well
let fly the fear
of going back<<<
since it is
not even a place
and not even a thing

don’t tell me that,
i don’t like that.

what is it you
expect me to do?

identify the suspects?
map the connections?
follow the protocols?
test the responses?

-

it’s just that things are so fragile
the lines so thin
the intentions so pure

everyday i am born again
and everyday i die

sometimes the changing light
is a
blue-green
indigo-violet
turquoise-dream

and i miss you so much
that i cry
my eyes
right out.

remember remember remember,
forget forget forget.
remember, forget.
r e m e m b e r
forget.

pain p u l l s all
awareness
to itself