hey,
i dreamt about you last night,
i woke up feeling lost and empty;
why is it that after so long,
my subconscious still thinks about you?

what a coincidence it was,
when i saw a glimpse of you in the mall,
was it even you?
or simply a fragment of my imagination?
i turned around to dodge your line of sight;
i wanted to pretend i was never there.

seeing you again,
made me drown in emotions,
i thought i got rid of.
i remember the late nights,
the thoughts of you,
me trying to let you go,
and i really thought i already have.

i'm sorry,
it seems as though,
you're still engraved in my heart,
i can't seem to push away the thought of you,
or the loneliness your memory brings me.

but here i am,
writing,
hugging the stuffed toy you once gave me,
at 11:11,
hoping that someday and somehow,
you,
my wish,
would come true.

it's embarrassing but it's true.
i just googled "how to fall in love".
and i googled "how to fall in love" because i am not in love right now and i really, really want to be.
my google searchings were inconclusive and i am just as unsatisfied
mind, body, and spirit
as i was when i started typing "h" into the search bar
there is nothing in my heart right now.
my mother knocked and no one was home.
it makes me anxious:
how did i go from someone so overwhelmed by the enormity and ever-presence of her emotions
to someone so void of them that i feel an echo in my chest when someone says my name?
i've also googled sociopathy,
but apparently i'm not one of those.
so here i am, somewhere on a sliding scale
between all or nothing.
and i report from the field that it is not, in fact, all or nothing.
i know i'm not alone out here,
but it sure does feel like it,
when i reach out and even shadows don't reach back.
it's not like i've already accepted dying alone but it's not looking likely that i'll be marrying my college sweetheart, either.
i just want my feelings back.
is there a link to that in the first page of google results?
i'll even pay for shipping, i guess.

as cliche as it is, its a feeling I can't escape
no other word could sum up everything in my life so perfectly
there is a certain numbness I have when I think of it
bitter, lifeless
just a color of my dark rainbow

I miss your hands
the groove on your thumb
the freckle on your pinky
your soft palms intertwined with mine
how you used them to talk
how cute they looked while inside me
its been two years since I've felt your touch.
two years and I cant stop thinking of your **** hands

When its over, Im going to scream out of happiness until I lose my voice
When its over, I will leave my room
When its over, I will read that book I bought months ago
When its over, I never want it to come back
When its over, I will brush my hair
When its over, I will finally open my windows
When its over, I will make plans and keep them
When it's over, I'll let people meet the real me
When its over, I can do what I want because I'm no longer in control

When depression is over, I will be free.