allison

allison Feb 2017

I doubt you still care to read my ****** writings, but if you do I think that's a sign you're still here. Last night you hurt me in a way I never thought to be possible.  But I still don't think you meant what you said, i swore it wasn't you talking. The words you said cut so **** deep that I wish I was exaggerating when I said I'm still bleeding.  I wish I wished to hate you for breaking my heart, but I can't.  I know I'm young dumb and in love, but I also know my heart hasn't stopped pounding since I met you. And I know that sometimes love makes you feel crazy so I'm hoping your words last night were a form of grieving. I hope you come running back to me. Please, never doubt that my arms will be open.  My arms are always open for you and I promise I will hold you close. I will keep you warm and dry your eyes

My forever love, please, listen... You are so ******* beautiful.  It's no coincidence all the constellations spell out your name.  Cliches seem to be all I know anymore, but I have always thought we were more than a cliche.  Maybe that's a cliche in itself.  I'm not sure.  Maybe I'm blind, but all I know is I was writing to you until 3 AM and that's all I've been doing since I woke up at 8.  It's 11:11 and we both know my wish.  I wonder if you have made any.  You know I'm all about my signs and I can't help but tell you I've not missed one 11:11 since you left. I think the universe wants you back here, too

Darling, remember we were enough.  Remember the days where everything went wrong, but we were always right.  Or how we would go out knowing the entire time we couldn't wait to be back in bed next to each other.  Remember this night, last year, when we drove home from Chicago.  Remember how we got off the highway so we could pull over because we couldn't keep our hands off each other. I remember how gratifying it felt waking up everyday knowing you loved me. Remember the nights of endless binging and soul calibur. Before we met, remember how we talked hours on end, everyday. Not once has there been a dull moment between us.  Remember the shows we started and finished. Or how every movie we wanted to see, we waited to watch together. Remember the night you picked me up and danced with me in the kitchen. Remember how there was never a world outside of us...

Lover, my hands were created to be laced around your neck.  My body is your home and it's crying for you to come inside. My lips are cracked and I can't stop biting off the dead skin that once was kissed by you. And every night I wrap around my pillow hoping somehow it will turn into you. I know how hard love can be. Sometimes it feels as if we're a puzzle scattered throughout the house. But I promise we will find every piece and the end will be beautiful. Please do not forget that. The sun always rises and just as it sets, the moon appears. They say to live by the sun and feel by the moon, but like us, they work together. And today it's cloudy. And I know you're hurting but we are always in this together

#sad #alone #heartbroken

allison Feb 2017

him

I have loved him this way ever since I can remember. Endlessly. I've always promised that it's always been him. If we had never met, it would still be him, and I swear I would have died alone. And I doubt he cares, but waking up knowing he loved me had always been so gratifying. That alone had been a reason to look forward to everyday. Now I wake up in tears because my dreams of him seemed so real. Every morning I have to re-accept he is gone and start the process all over again. He's not mine and never will be again. But I'm still his and I'd rather die alone than belong to another someone

#love #sad #brokenheart

allison Feb 2017

3 AM

In another universe we don't meet. I go away to college and you got your wish of 20 years in the military. Or the one where we meet at a party and are too drunk to care about the other's presence. What I'm getting at is there are countless versions of ourselves that could have made different choices. We both had endless opportunities to take a different path every single day, but for some reason we played our cards right and our paths intertwined. I know my heart hurts now but I can't imagine how it would feel if no version of myself ever met you. Try to convince me that we weren't built to fulfill all that we are missing. Kinda like the sun always rises and as it starts to set, the moon never fails to take over. I know that some days we seem like a puzzle scattered throughout the house, but please remember the beautiful picture we will create in the end. I promise we will find each piece and put it where it belongs. And all the effort will be worth it. Please, just wait and see. My love, we are made up of the exact love, each of us needs

#love #sad

allison Feb 2017

my valentine,

We met and I was instantly vulnerable. Ungracefully and utterly vulnerable. Your calloused hands were my favorite things to hold and god, I wish I was in your arms. For awhile, you found constant beauty in my chaos. Now you're searching for beauty everywhere that doesn't involve me. You say you're gone, but I call *******. I see you in every dream, I hear you in every song, I feel you throughout every memory and I swear I still taste your lips. You left and told me to leave you alone but it's hard to let go with your hands locked around my wrists. No force in this universe could stop me from loving you but ******* I wish gravity could bring my heart back. I count the days you aren't here and every day I pray you choose to end this streak. And I have always called you "home" but homes burn down everyday. Ours was bound to eventually. I just wish we could have salvaged what we had opposed to it all becoming ashes. You broke every promise to me other than the one you made when you swore you wouldn't come back. Hopefully you follow suit and break that promise too

#sad #brokenheart #valentinesday

allison Feb 2017

Please

I miss your lips and arms around me. My love, it's my heart, it hurts. Darling, pick up the phone and tell me to come home

allison Feb 2017

5 stages of grief

I can't really coherently put my thoughts in to words but I need you to know that I still miss you just the same..

I talked with my psychiatrist today.  He says we make up scenarios in our heads and months from now we will tell our own version of our story.  He told me I shouldn't still be here, waiting for you, and I got so angry.  I was so frustrated that he wasn't listening to me.  He wasn't understanding how honorable you are or how we are different from other couples. How with us, it's always been us.  But then I remembered, denial is the first step in grieving a loss. I have known that you are gone, but it still doesn't seem real

Soon, I'll be ******.  Not like now, where I get mad and then sad again, but I might actually feel over you.  Doesn't mean I will be, but for the time being, my heart will feel some relief. You have made me so **** vulnerable. When it comes to you, I can't tell if my emotions cloud my judgement or not.  And that ****** me off too

Next, bargaining.  I will plead and plead for you to come back.  I will bargain anything just to feel loved by you one last time.  You, of course, decline

Depression will kick in.  I'll wonder what I could have done to make you stay.  I'll wonder if my constant begging drove you further away.  I'll need your reassurance, but it won't be there

So finally I'll accept it.  I'll accept you there, me here

#love #sad #heart #loss #grief

allison Feb 2017

sad people

They told me to fall in love with someone who inspired me to write novels. Here I am, hopelessly in love with you. I have also heard that not all who write are sad, but all sad people write. Happy people don't have time to write, they are too busy being happy. Sad people, sad people have all the time to write. I never quite understood this until you left. Now, I carry my journal everywhere and am constantly writing as if you are reading. I've wrote more the past two weeks than I have my entire life, and I think that speaks volumes