Punish me for the pieces she left behind
Choke me, harder, for all the lies she swore were true
I don't want you to make me feel good
I want it to hurt, there is something so beautiful about the hurting
Pain.
Do not rub my inner thighs, dig your nails into me
Pierce my soul without any hidden meaning
Why? You often ask, why so much pain?
I am pleading to feel, I am demanding to be felt
Drown me or drown in me
Either way
I eat my words and swallow them down, never to be heard
They come back up, alongside my dinner
Raw
I want to be raw, nothing but bones
Empty both

I've fallen for your infectious smile,
it makes me giddy
I like my smile next to yours
I've fallen for our conversations,
the ones that make us do a double take at the time
when 1 AM rolls around
I used to wish time away,
now I couldn't possibly have enough with you
I've fallen for your eyes- which are so ******* beautiful
I've fallen for the nights we stay together. our nights
you in your PJ's get me every time
I've fallen for how we both know "I have to go" doesn't mean leaving for at least another hour
Again, wishing time could slow down
I've fallen for the way you make me feel at home

When I woke up my necklace was all tangled around my tank top. I miss when you were there to help me fix it. When I went to sleep, after many countless hours were spent tossing and turning, I wrapped my legs around a pillow and pretended it was you. My feet never warmed up like they would have on your back. When I went to make breakfast, I accidentally made 7 eggs instead of 2. Because I know you always want 5.  Walking out the door doesn't feel the same without you there to hug and kiss, while telling me to have a good day. Knowing I'll come home to an empty house, instead of coming home to you, makes the days go by even longer. When I go to the store today, I know I'll stop in the Powerade aisle just for you. I wonder when these habits will stop. You are everywhere, even though I haven't seen you in days. I miss you. Come home.

I have always hated my stomach,
but you rub it when it hurts
and even when it doesn't
It reminds me how my mother always rubbed my tummy aches away
and I've laughed more than I've cried since I met you

My hair gets so ratty,
but you remind it makes me look fierce
You touch my face the way my grandma handles her china sets
Soft and gentle, I know I'm safe

Sometimes, I watch you and I notice little things that probably don't cross your mind
They make sense to me though
You are a test I could spend forever studying

We have always had that undeniable type of love
You know?
Whenever asked about one another, our cheeks would turn bright pink
And just as our lips curled upward to smile,
sweet words escaped from our mouth, no matter how tightly we tried to seal our smile
Who ever we ended up talking to
had to think our lover put all the stars in the sky
by the endless praise we gave one another
The kind of love that stained your sheets,
despite how clean they were
Our pictures have voices, next to our smiles you can hear us screaming "I love you...I love you with all I am"
Our voices became love,
we, in everything we do, have become love
The kind of love that made us encounter multiple strangers,
just so they could inform us of our obvious happiness and glee

I hope you never get new sheets
I hope you never bite me out from underneath your fingernails
I hope you never remove my stray hairs from your beard
after a long makeout sesh
I hope we are never apart long enough to where my scent fades out of your clothes

I doubt you still care to read my ****** writings, but if you do I think that's a sign you're still here. Last night you hurt me in a way I never thought to be possible.  But I still don't think you meant what you said, i swore it wasn't you talking. The words you said cut so **** deep that I wish I was exaggerating when I said I'm still bleeding.  I wish I wished to hate you for breaking my heart, but I can't.  I know I'm young dumb and in love, but I also know my heart hasn't stopped pounding since I met you. And I know that sometimes love makes you feel crazy so I'm hoping your words last night were a form of grieving. I hope you come running back to me. Please, never doubt that my arms will be open.  My arms are always open for you and I promise I will hold you close. I will keep you warm and dry your eyes

My forever love, please, listen... You are so ******* beautiful.  It's no coincidence all the constellations spell out your name.  Cliches seem to be all I know anymore, but I have always thought we were more than a cliche.  Maybe that's a cliche in itself.  I'm not sure.  Maybe I'm blind, but all I know is I was writing to you until 3 AM and that's all I've been doing since I woke up at 8.  It's 11:11 and we both know my wish.  I wonder if you have made any.  You know I'm all about my signs and I can't help but tell you I've not missed one 11:11 since you left. I think the universe wants you back here, too

Darling, remember we were enough.  Remember the days where everything went wrong, but we were always right.  Or how we would go out knowing the entire time we couldn't wait to be back in bed next to each other.  Remember this night, last year, when we drove home from Chicago.  Remember how we got off the highway so we could pull over because we couldn't keep our hands off each other. I remember how gratifying it felt waking up everyday knowing you loved me. Remember the nights of endless binging and soul calibur. Before we met, remember how we talked hours on end, everyday. Not once has there been a dull moment between us.  Remember the shows we started and finished. Or how every movie we wanted to see, we waited to watch together. Remember the night you picked me up and danced with me in the kitchen. Remember how there was never a world outside of us...

Lover, my hands were created to be laced around your neck.  My body is your home and it's crying for you to come inside. My lips are cracked and I can't stop biting off the dead skin that once was kissed by you. And every night I wrap around my pillow hoping somehow it will turn into you. I know how hard love can be. Sometimes it feels as if we're a puzzle scattered throughout the house. But I promise we will find every piece and the end will be beautiful. Please do not forget that. The sun always rises and just as it sets, the moon appears. They say to live by the sun and feel by the moon, but like us, they work together. And today it's cloudy. And I know you're hurting but we are always in this together

We had the type of love people would spend forever trying to find,
but the universe decided to give us that shot
It was the type of love that cannot be explained,
just known
When you left
I remember crying out to God and I think I screamed out his name more than yours just hoping for a response
Now, I don't believe in God,
but I still believe in you

if
I had
to describe you,
in one word,
it would be
"komorebi"
the sunlight that shines through the leaves
you are always there,
even when you aren't

i used to listen to music, loud, until my heart began to jump
but after meeting you,
the loud music became too weak

I used to make wishes at 11:11,
but now I rather spend my minute making sure you remember to make your wish

you've taken up nearly every inch of my head
*i can't get your name out of my mouth since you kissed it

i begged God to beg the priest to beg you to come home

Lately, I've been better shutting off the alarm clock come 6 AM than I have been shutting off my wretched mind. I'm 19, but soon enough the bags under my eyes will give my young skin another 10 years.  My mind is aging faster than it should and I don't have wrinkles yet, but if my mind doesn't stop folding and unfolding all my flaws, well, I'm sure that will take it's toll too.  I can't focus on anything aside from trying not to focus on the only clear thoughts my brain spits out... It's been cold for weeks. My face is always blotchy, but I can't tell if it's from the change in weather or constant changes in emotions.  I couldn't tell you what I've had to eat the past few days, or if I've even ate at all.  It's just like my mind to play tricks on me.  In fact, I know my head is trying to **** me.  I'm never reminded when to eat... and if I am? Well, what goes down must come up.  Food always looks best the second time around.  I never sleep, my mind is a constant turntable stuck on repeat.  The vinyl consists of all my flaws... All that I am not, or where on my body I am too much.   I'm always driving through the country, on that empty road, where nobody could tell my story.  All I can see is that big ditch to the left, or that big oak tree my little car would look so pretty twisted around... Oh, is that an animal I'm about to hit? Is that animal really there? Or is that my mind playing an evil trick on me, so I can feel better about swerving off the road? I don't care. I don't care.

so this isn't really a poem buuuuut i need to rant so yaaah

let's talk about the boring part of eating disorders, the parts that are never thought of because they seem absurd, or maybe they don't seem absurd, maybe they are so minuscule that they aren't even thought of...until you go through with it. how about the part where some days, you're doing so well. you eat. and you actually WANT to eat more. the thoughts of not eating aren't there because for a little bit, you're feeling comfortable in your own skin. you think, "hey.. i must be cured!" THENN the other days. the days you're all alone all day, with your thoughts only. when you eat, but are instantly full. wellll, maybe you aren't full, but your mind has decided enough is enough.  but of course, you have to eat... so you do. you entertain your thoughts. you remember why you feel so body confident, so happy/satisfied in your skin. it's because of the progress you've made throughout the years. the hard work you've put into your body............but you can't give up. so you don't. you sit and sulk "will this meal change my body?" and you know that that ONE meal won't, but it's the fact that you'll have to say that..everyday... and that adds up

Everyday, I have sworn that I have missed you the most. But today, today was different. Today, I missed you the most. I can't quite put into words how I have felt. I will say that I'm sitting on that country road behind my house, fighting the urge to drive straight to you. All I want is to come knocking on that glass door just to see you've had it unlocked all along, waiting for me.  But I know the door is locked with the stick in it. I know it would remain that way. Today, I drove down this country road and remembered how dark it was that night you needed me. Today, I looked at the moon and gasped. And I thought of how you used to smile when I would do that. Today, I felt you. I felt you at the reservoir when I was scared to walk back to my car, alone in the dark. I felt you driving down that first road I take to your place and for a minute, I was happy. I remember always being so excited to finally be back home with you. Today, I tried on a dress I knew you'd love. I loved it too, I just know you REALLY would.  Today I watched a movie on Netflix and I couldn't help but be so upset that you weren't there. I should have been watching it with you. Yesterday, I couldn't feel your touch. Today, I feel it everywhere

Everyone is exciting at first.  New attention.  New flirting. Love is what comes after the excitement.  After the giddiness and nervousness.  The hurt.  The overflow of unexplained emotions constantly pouring out.  And being in love is what makes you stay.  Being in love is the voice you hear in the back of your head, during an argument, telling you to calm down.  Be more empathetic, listen.  Being in love is knowing there will be storms, but knowing your love will remain safe.  It's whispering, "I love you" in your sleep.  It's finding comfort in another person and feeling safe with them.  The invincibility.  That's a word I always used to describe us.  We thought we would last forever and now I'm left here begging you to let me come over.  Being in love is wondering how your exams go.  It's pushing you to study instead of binge watching netflix.  Love is easy.  Being in love is what's hard.  You can love 1000 people throughout your life, all for different reasons.  But being in love, having a person that feels like home, that is rare.  You don't wake up and decide you are in love.  You decide you're in love when you first see their flaws.  Their emotional baggage.  And you choose to stay.  It is always seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  It's praying, no, pleading to someone you hope is real in hopes that they can bring the other person back.  Being in love takes patience. Forgiveness.  Selflessness.  It's wanting the last piece of pizza, but offering it to them because you know they haven't ate today.  It's making memories on a silly car ride. It's being strong for the other person because they need you.  In time, you will need them to do this for you.  It's finding other people attractive and leaving it at that.  There are no desires to pursue anything.  Being in love is all about being yourself, unapologetically, and being loved for all the things you are.  It's about loving a person for who they are and not what they are not.  Being in love is knowing you can live without this person, but wondering you would ever want or need to.  And darling, if you couldn't tell, I am madly in love with you

I've been driving around for hours and I'm leaving this voicemail to tell you that ever since you left, my head hasn't been the only thing out of whack. I have the heat on high with your favorite hoodie around me, but I can't stop shivering. I've never seen so much rain in January and I can't help but think the sky is mourning my loss too. I'm always nodding off if I'm not in bed, but whenever I'm in bed I can never shut my eyes. I called to make sure you could fall asleep knowing how adored you are. I called to make sure your dinner was more than just ramen. I called to make sure you locked the doors and finished your homework. I called to tell you that guy you don't like tried to contact me, but I blocked him, again. I called to see if you've been hugged today. I called to tell you I went to my favorite spot to watch the sunset, but I left just before it set because I couldn't stand to watch something so beautiful, so familiar, end like we did. Tell me, is it easier to sleep without me beside you, oblivious to how you really feel? Today on my way home I realized you weren't myhome anymore and I had to turn around. I wanted to tell you that my keys are in my car and my bags are still packed, just in case you ask me to come home. I called to make sure you're still smiling even though it's not because of me. I'm leaving this voicemail in hopes that you realize you're the reason I ever stopped wanting to die

Wherever you are, this is how much I miss you. I can't keep myself busy enough to get you off my mind. I can't convince myself there's really anyone for me, aside from you. Despite how hard I try to see that differently. Maybe you do want other people now.... And though that kills me, maybe it's a good thing. Maybe it'll show you how special we are together. At first, new things are always fun. But nothing beats true love. Which is why nobody could ever take your place. You give me all I want and so much more. You give me love, happiness, friendship. Comfortability. And I miss you so badly that I know there's no way you could miss me half as much. I don't think about anyone, I think about you. You have always been the one for me. If all I end up being to you is a faint memory, please remember that. Please remember that from the day we met, I have never given up on us. Not even when you have given up on me. Remember how I spelled "I love you" on your back because I was too scared to say it so soon. Remember how you told me that night, you loved me. I never ended up canceling our Valentine's Day reservations, so if you want, let's go. Let's forget this past week and be warm again.

It was the start of August
and my hairs barely brushed against
my shoulder
And now my hair is longer than it's been in years

Upon seeing you,
I knew this was different
Not like love at first site,
because I don't believe in that,
but seeing you was familiar
Like, it wasn't our first time meeting

Long story short-
you bewitched me- entirely
and
I have been enthralled by you since that first day

You promise to always stay
and oh, do I yearn for that to be true
But you cannot know for a fact
you will always stay

Something- anything, could tear us apart
Some people say love was not built to last,
yet I know love is meant to last
Especially true love

I beg for us to continue falling for each other
even if we break our bones in the process
Then we can kiss them back together
with bleeding tongues
and bleeding lips


Love will not outlive us

I can't help but relentlessly plead for a time capsule so that I could meet you sooner. If I had, I wouldn't have fell for that guy on the soccer team who began to take his anger out on me, instead of the sport.  And he wouldn't have had the chance to break my phone and give me a black eye for adding a picture of a concert to Instagram.  I wouldn't have flunked my first year of college because I was too busy doing drugs in hopes of feeling happier.  I would have spent my time kissing you and screaming out I love you, instead of using my mouth for excessive amounts of alcohol and pills.  And maybe I would have never cut or burned myself in hopes of growing prettier skin back throughout high school.  I would have learned to love myself a lot sooner.  However, I can't help but be thankful for these experiences and gracious my wish has yet to come true.  Looking back, I realize each and every one has given me a healthier, more positive mind-set.

I watched my innocence disappear at 13 years old as my clothes also disappeared all because a senior boy was stronger than me.  I remember begging to call my mom, but he couldn't hear me over his ******* moans.  I scrubbed my body til it bled everyday for two months.  I remember my mother would always tell me I am full of cities.  They caught on fire that year.  I watched them burn to the ground.

If given the chance, there are so many things I would do differently. Firstly, I wouldn't make you my entire life. I would realize the importance of balance. I would realize the crucial need for alone time, friend time and you time. I would get my own apartment and create a life. Aside from solely living in yours. Secondly, I wouldn't let my feelings be hurt every single time something didn't go my way. I wouldnt let silly things have any importance or validation to me. Thirdly, I would accept the silence needed after an argument. I wouldn't try and make you feel guilty for still being angry. Your feelings are valid, too. Lastly, I wouldn't feel the need to be included in everything. This goes back to balance. I'm sorry it took you walking away for me to realize these things. I'm sorry it's too late

There is nothing worse than knowing because you lack my affection,
You search for it through all those ******* who mean nothing
You want someone to take the pain away
Or make you forget how special I made you feel
But,
That's just it
How special I made you feel,
As a person
Not just a compliment on your photo
Or a million likes just to catch your attention
You can **** anyone
But we had so much more than that
Love,
Companionship
Love.....
And I'd take love over a **** anyday
It's sad that you search for solace
In the same exact ******* you did before me
When really,
You should be fighting to make it right
With me

The most mind wrenching pain is seeing you fade
due to the enamored and deplorable parts of your brain,
I so desperately plea and wish to be your aid

I've done all I can, even ******* prayed.
Your mind is playing tricks, my dear, and making you insane
for demons have entered your innocent mind and preyed.

You have lived far too long in fear
as you shamefully cover all of your skin.. I can see your joy fade.
Each day I see more of you disappear

it's almost as if I'm looking at your corpse premiere.
You think this is normal, and that you are okay
but, my darling, your condition is very severe and your mind is slain


My offerings to help are more than sincere.
Your delicate fragile bones are in too much pain
Please never forget that I adore you with endless revere.
These evil thoughts we will evade

I feel you all of the time, but it's never enough.  Your words are written on my palms and my cheeks are flushed red, stained with your fingerprints.  Before you, my chest was filled with cobwebs which latched onto my heart, remaining untouched.  It wasn't long after we met that you began to fill my lungs with flowers. You planted gardens inside of me and every single time you touch my chest I swear that acts as sunlight & my insides are filled with warmth.  This body was once so hollow, filled with only my echoed thoughts.  I want you to feel the stories of me in the crevices of my palms... and  I want to do the same to you.  I remember reading once that taste buds renew themselves every 2 weeks and I hope to God I never go 1 day without the remnants of your taste.  Please, my love, always hold me tighter.  Let me trace your spine, like the spine of my favorite book.  You've etched your name into my throat and I promise to never let it burn out.  My skin rises every time you touch me and it's more than just goosebumps.  My body is constantly arching out for you in ways I can't always control.  I don't know how anyone that has ever looked at you doesn't want to trace the maps on your body.  Ever since I met you, I still get lost once I meet your eyes, that never fails.  You promise to never go anywhere and I pray your map never changes, so that your heart remains my home.

You came home 

With liquor on your lips, stumbling to the ground

And since you fell

You made mommy fall too. 

"Go to your room sweetie” 
Mommy choked to say with your hands around her neck

But you said to come out

& to wipe the tears away.

The tears came pouring out 

so you said that you would give me something to cry about

as you threw a vase to my head

& told me I’m just like my mom.
10 years later I no longer wonder where you are

or why you weren’t there to tuck me in at night. 

10 years later I no longer wonder why you won’t come to my birthday parties

or who that naked girl was in your bed

when you thought I was asleep. 

10 years later I no longer cry “daddy stop it hurts.”

10 years later

and I no longer need you..
Although I never really did.
10 years later and I stopped feeling the shards cut my heart
like that **** vase cut my ******* head. 

10 years later and I realize-

I am just like my mom & I rather be like her 
than you

I have spent far too long scavenging for the little quirks of myself that he could learn to love
Suddenly, I'm 19, begging my mother to tell me how special I am
I beg her to tell me I'm beautiful, but hearing her say it reminds me of him, before he left
I pleaded her to get him to come back, to come home
After all, parents can do anything, right?
But she didn't get him to come back, she didn't even try
She assured me he was undeserving of my heart,
but that went in one ear and out the other
I remember collapsing to the ground
and banging my fists upon the floor
All while screaming out, hating the universe for allowing our souls to depart ways
Then, I buried all the love in me
I pronounced it dead, lifeless, gone
I put my love on a shelf

In another universe we don't meet.  I go away to college and you got your wish of 20 years in the military.  Or the one where we meet at a party and are too drunk to care about the other's presence.  What I'm getting at is there are countless versions of ourselves that could have made different choices.  We both had endless opportunities to take a different path every single day, but for some reason we played our cards right and our paths intertwined.  I know my heart hurts now but I can't imagine how it would feel if no version of myself ever met you.  Try to convince me that we weren't built to fulfill all that we are missing.  Kinda like the sun always rises and as it starts to set, the moon never fails to take over.   I know that some days we seem like a puzzle scattered throughout the house, but please remember the beautiful picture we will create in the end. I promise we will find each piece and put it where it belongs.  And all the effort will be worth it.  Please, just wait and see.  My love, we are made up of the exact love, each of us needs

I will never forget the way it feels to rest my head on your shoulder. Or what it feels like to rub my hands through your beard. I wish I would have kissed you goodnight harder. I wish I would have stayed up all night kissing your face and wrapping our bodies together. At the end of the day it's all about how empty I feel when you're not beside me.  Small things mean the most which is why I always tell the story of that one time you just grabbed my face and kissed me. Or the countless times you'd say, "shmile shmalls" until I finally did. I don't know if I'll ever find someone as special as you, but if I do, I hope he chooses to stay. With you, I got so very lucky. Having you as my best friend and my love. Only bad part is- now you're gone. And it's just me