Everyone is exciting at first.  New attention.  New flirting. Love is what comes after the excitement.  After the giddiness and nervousness.  The hurt.  The overflow of unexplained emotions constantly pouring out.  And being in love is what makes you stay.  Being in love is the voice you hear in the back of your head, during an argument, telling you to calm down.  Be more empathetic, listen.  Being in love is knowing there will be storms, but knowing your love will remain safe.  It's whispering, "I love you" in your sleep.  It's finding comfort in another person and feeling safe with them.  The invincibility.  That's a word I always used to describe us.  We thought we would last forever and now I'm left here begging you to let me come over.  Being in love is wondering how your exams go.  It's pushing you to study instead of binge watching netflix.  Love is easy.  Being in love is what's hard.  You can love 1000 people throughout your life, all for different reasons.  But being in love, having a person that feels like home, that is rare.  You don't wake up and decide you are in love.  You decide you're in love when you first see their flaws.  Their emotional baggage.  And you choose to stay.  It is always seeing the light at the end of the tunnel.  It's praying, no, pleading to someone you hope is real in hopes that they can bring the other person back.  Being in love takes patience. Forgiveness.  Selflessness.  It's wanting the last piece of pizza, but offering it to them because you know they haven't ate today.  It's making memories on a silly car ride. It's being strong for the other person because they need you.  In time, you will need them to do this for you.  It's finding other people attractive and leaving it at that.  There are no desires to pursue anything.  Being in love is all about being yourself, unapologetically, and being loved for all the things you are.  It's about loving a person for who they are and not what they are not.  Being in love is knowing you can live without this person, but wondering you would ever want or need to.  And darling, if you couldn't tell, I am madly in love with you

If you're reading this please tell me the door is unlocked

I don't think there has been one moment where I don't miss him. I'm constantly wondering why he won't come back even though I should be wondering why I'm still here. And I often wonder if there is anything I could have done to make him stay.  

I remember this exact day last year and god, what I wouldn't do to go back..... We were getting ready to take our first little trip together and oh, was it memorable. We have always been messy and gone with the flow, but I still don't think this is how things are supposed to be. He would hold my hand everywhere we went and all I could think about was how proud I was to be loved by him. How proud I was of him being proud to call me his. He would love me on my worst days. My ugliest days. The days I couldn't bare to love myself. And I would love him the same. And still, I love him the same.

We used to argue on who loved who more, but this was an argument I didn't want to win. I did anyways. I loved him so much more that I let him crush me and begged him time and time again to fix me. I still am begging him to. I have always said it will always be him and my entire heart wishes this wasn't true. And I hate that he still isn't here but what I hate even more is that I still wish for him to come back. I am longing to feel safe, in his arms, again. I wonder if that day will ever come

I can never sleep anymore. I've been tossing and turning the past hour trying to close my eyes for just a little longer. He said it's always me but that's not the only lie he's told me. He claims it's not about them, but they are all he is about anymore. And maybe he doesn't see it now but he will always be comparing them to me. I will be in his every thought while he ***** that girl in that apartment we made home. He will compare her to me throughout every conversation. He's hurting and I don't blame him for searching for these distractions. All I know is I'm trying to stop missing him. I don't want to see him everywhere and remember the laughs we shared.  I'm ready to wake up and be excited for the day, rather than dreading it. I'm ready to stop waking up thinking today will be the day he asks me to come home. I'm ready for my heart to stop breaking all over again every single day. I'm ready to accept that he was a part of my past, but will no longer hold a place in my future. And one day I will find someone who makes this pain worth it. He will love me and all that I am, even when we get on each other's nerves. He will love me unconditionally. He will always choose me, despite the circumstances. Like he should have done

Today, I have decided to move on.

Everyday, I have sworn that I have missed you the most. But today, today was different. Today, I missed you the most. I can't quite put into words how I have felt. I will say that I'm sitting on that country road behind my house, fighting the urge to drive straight to you. All I want is to come knocking on that glass door just to see you've had it unlocked all along, waiting for me.  But I know the door is locked with the stick in it. I know it would remain that way. Today, I drove down this country road and remembered how dark it was that night you needed me. Today, I looked at the moon and gasped. And I thought of how you used to smile when I would do that. Today, I felt you. I felt you at the reservoir when I was scared to walk back to my car, alone in the dark. I felt you driving down that first road I take to your place and for a minute, I was happy. I remember always being so excited to finally be back home with you. Today, I tried on a dress I knew you'd love. I loved it too, I just know you REALLY would.  Today I watched a movie on Netflix and I couldn't help but be so upset that you weren't there. I should have been watching it with you. Yesterday, I couldn't feel your touch. Today, I feel it everywhere