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Akira Chinen Aug 2019
I know I should keep
these feeling buried
until I am in my grave
I know there are some things
I just shouldn’t say
but I can’t help but wonder
what it would be like
to hold you through out the night
until the morning bird has come out
and sung his song
after the moon has watched me
strip you one by one
of all your clothes
and dropped them
as we stumble down the hall
on the way to your bedroom door
count each step sin by sin

and I know...

and I know...

these are things I just shouldn’t say
but these are the things
burning in my blood
that are going to haunt me
long after I am in my grave
a regret of either what I did
or what  I didn’t say
it’s going to burn me either way
so what should I do here
should I not be here at all
either night or day

and i know...

and I know...

this is a thirst for what I cannot drink
a first kiss that will never be
this hunger for what you cannot give
a warm body of comfort
throughout this long cold life
that gets shorter
the longer I hold my breath
and I’m drowning in my heart
as it is turning blue

and I know...

and I know...

I am just wishing on a distant star
from another life
when I was younger
when if you had been there
it wouldn’t be impossible
for you to be
the only thing my heart
would need to breath
you could have been
all the blood in my lungs
you could have been my one
and only love
but fate wasn’t a star I could reach
and pluck from the sky
in my life from another time

and I know...

and I know...

I know I should keep
these feeling buried
until I am in my grave
I know these are things
I just shouldn’t say
I know I am going
to regret them either way
stuck in my throat
or falling from my mouth
you can’t be the only thing
my heart needs to breath
you can’t be all the blood
filling up my lungs

and I know...

and I know...

I am haunted by
all of these feelings
that will follow me to my grave
no matter what I do or say
what should I do here
should I not be here at all
either night or day
what should I do here
Akira Chinen Aug 2019
My heart feels too heavy
to carry through another day
which means
it is still alive
still beating
and yet
to be honest
I don’t want to hold my head up
I don’t want to stay above
the waters of a shallow grave

what in this world
will give me back
the will to live
when hate is so quick
to take a breath away
to stop a heart
inside a strangers chest

what thesaurus of fear
what dictionary of ignorance
what is it that defines
the vocabulary of the blood
inside the mind
that loathes the brother
he does not know

the senators keep praying
praying for another distraction
the congressmen keep thinking
thinking of no one but themselves

and we just mindlessly nod
and bob our heads
debating who is to blame
pointing fingers while ignoring
our own reflections

apathy keeps us choking
on our own silence
and why are the living so quite
how is it that the dead
with no air in their lungs
no movement in their hearts
can sing so much brighter
can speak so much louder
than so many of those
that are still alive

nothing good will come
from the living
who refuse to speak for the dead
and the dead must be sick of dying
and I wonder why the grieving
aren’t sick to death of grief

and in all honesty I find it hard
to live another day in a world
that can make my heart

feel so heavy

too heavy

to carry through another day

but its there in that weight
isn’t it
that heavy
that burden of hope
that we know we are still alive
that are lungs can still take
and give breath
that our hearts can still beat
still pound beneath our ribs

and there in our pulse
no matter the weight of our hearts
should we not always
find the will to be alive
Akira Chinen Aug 2019
Something feels dead
and hollow inside my chest
and all I can hear
is the echo of distant gunfire
and the pleading of future grief

how many more bodies
will find their spirits
ripped away by bullets
piercing holes through their flesh
how many more lungs will burst
by the pop of gunfire
how many more hearts
will be poisoned by
the taste of lead
then no longer move

the only thing more endless
than the violence
is the debate of do nothing
or do even less
than nothing
and we all wear the target
of the wrong place
at the wrong time

wishfully thinking
it can’t happen here
even though it is
painfully obvious here
is now everywhere

I try to listen for anything
alive inside my chest
but all I hear is the echo
of distant gunfire
and the pleading of future grief
  Aug 2019 Akira Chinen
Where Shelter
your thoughts and prayers ****
highly ineffective,
bluntly,
they are defective
ain’t rendering no mo’ to god
and his good old timey thing,
righteous slaughtering of the innocents,
such fun for what does He care

what we got to do is do
something about on it earth,
time has come up,
the hurricane has begun,
and world is shaking from the movements in our bones,
for now is the hour
when we sail to the shore,
and until we are done,
the sun will not respect our faces

accept this introspective invective,
politely keep them guttural BS noises to yourself,
you know who’s the guilty ones,
that would be me and you

write to the congressmen,
who have been shot,
asking what ya got, forever protection,
the crazies know where you live,
state senators from places they don’t you represent,
all that we adjudged them lazy guilty, guilty of laziness,
and don’t forget to add a p.s.

we adjudge ourselves guilty as well,
too many knew in advance, the dangerous ones, who were
lurking, them waiting, us in desperation hoping,
it wouldn’t be happening then delaying one more time
all over again

”Oh the foes will rise
With the sleep in their eyes
And they'll **** from their beds and think they're dreamin'
But they'll pinch themselves and squeal
And know that it's for real
The hour that the ship comes in.

Then they'll raise their hands
Sayin' we'll meet all your demands
But we'll shout from the bow your days are numbered
And like Pharaoh's tribe
They'll be drownded in the tide
And like Goliath, they'll be conquered.”
(Bob Dylan)

8/4/19 12:10
there is no shelter anywhere from madness for the madness
is ours, inside, and we have learnt to live with it’s reoccurring.
Why?
Akira Chinen Aug 2019
Life is a beautiful vicious cycle
of love and pain
and I want to feel it all
let me fall when I fal
let it be terrifying as hell
let it make me tremble
from the first time
my fingers brush hers
to our first kiss
to our last kiss

and when it ends
let the pain break me
let me grieve my dead heart
and all its broken pieces
let me cry hard
and long into the night
let me be sleepless
and dreamless
fill me with despair
let me wish to forget my name
but never her smile

and when I am whole again
when I stitch myself back together
when I can breath again
let my breath be stolen
one more time
let me find love again
bigger than the sunrise
fuller than the moon
holier than the first god
and more alive than the last one

let it shake me until my bones are dust
and I am nothing but a shy
and quivering heart in a new palm

and if it ends again
let me break as never before
let me grieve as I did
the first time I was broken

pathetically and dramatically

let me feel it all
all of the beautiful pain
the vicious cycle of love and loss

why else are we here
if not to weep
if not to crumble in rapture
if not to feel it all
all of it
Akira Chinen Aug 2019
I am the unwritten dictionary definition
  of damaged goods
I have so much baggage
  that I lose the airport
there isn’t a single spot on my heart
that doesn’t have a stitch or a scare
I have become so comfortable
in my solitude
that I no longer remember
what it feels like to be lonely

how absurd is it to feel lonely
nearly eight billion people on the planet
and yet we can feel so isolated
and disconnected from one another
that we dare let our hearts
be taken hostage by loneliness

that we let the breath
of the moment be stolen
let words die in our throats
before they leave our mouths
as if we had nothing to say

to each other

to our selves

self inflected wounds caused by
the doubts we plant
in the dying gardens of our own minds
happiness nothing but a wooden quote
framed and hanging on our walls
mocking us
laughing at us

love nothing but a mask
so we can feel normal
sitting side by side
while our hearts drift
farther and farther apart

form each other

from our selves

how often does the past
****** the present
how much damage does yesterdays pain
carry into today

when will I let go of the names and the ghosts
that steal what might be joyful
when will I let it all burn down to cinder and ash
and exhale all of the smoke
that is nothing more than regret and fear

when will I take back today

when will I rewrite my own definition

of who i am

who I want to become

who will I be when this body
is lowered into the ground

someone too afraid
to have lived

too afraid
to have loved

or someone who had lived
someone who had loved

will death notice my departure
or will I have been dead
before I had died

how long will I let my solitude
be so comfortable
that I forget to feel lonely
Akira Chinen Jul 2019
I wish I could pull you into my heart
so you could see
how beautiful you make it feel
how it has found heaven
here in this breathing moment

and if you could just feel this
this heart beating as your own
that never again in your life
would you have to question
what true love feels like
because true love
feels like you
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