baby, these are eyes
heavy with guilt;
pupils like dandelions
in the shape of used
tampons;

a kaleidoscope
of secrets whispers
through yellow crooked
teeth

you said don't trust
a sailor, don't let her
come close

but i know better

i've tricked myself
into becoming a father

and now i wait
with my hands over
my mouth

behind a wilderness
without a name

the same greens, the same
browns, the same rustle of leaves
in between the same
frowns

it's your turn, you said
as i started to walk away

but this wasn't a game i wanted
to play

okay, you replied

and then you swallowed me
whole in a thick black duvet

i moaned your name

as i started to feel around
the absolute darkness.

a ***** cell,
a gallon of mother's milk,
cradle this heart
in your warm mouth,
teeth like icicles
on a midsummer's
night

the inevitable
death of a lover;
the Other,
so what's left?

the carriage,
hollowed out
like the skull
of Hamlet

haven't you
felt abandonment
yet?

carry on,
skyline of tomorrow;
glistening in the
far right,

flossed nicely

if breathing is this
painful
by nightfall,
i've let each family
member know

how much they
were loved
by one version of
me.

i wear your sweaters when you're asleep & i wear them when your not home to remind me of who i am;
your girlfriend, your fantasy, the love of your life;
but suddenly my mind wonders who am i without you?
i've lost myself inside of you, i've buried myself deep beneath your ribcages & made home inside your chest;
but then i remember i never existed to begin with because i've always been a shapeshifter.
twisting & morphing into what everyone else wants me to be, forgetting that i have a body, a mind & a soul all of my own;
feeling guilty for taking a second to breathe through the bars on this jail cell window.
i've been laying on the floor like a carpet,
letting everyone walk on me & pretending that it's completely acceptable;
& i've always hosted the parties to give myself a sense of control when in reality all i'm doing is serving people.
but please, my love, don't misunderstand me;
my love for you is always here inside of me even if it's gone into hiding;
this illness clouding my brain has been growing from a pinprick into a wrecking ball;
turning everything into black & white as if i'm living on a zebras skin.
you always loved the yin & yang symbol, well that's how my mind self-destructs;
for anyone who doesn't know, the yin & yang symbolizes the good & the bad, with a little good in the bad & a little bad in the good;
a small light in the dark & a hint of shadow in the light;
except the way my mind works, there is no flicker of a flame in the darkness & darkness does not exist in the light;
at least that's how my mind perceives things...
when i'm treated with love & adoration, my heart suddenly beats & you are an angelic being i am undeserving of;
but then again i never deserved any form of happiness, according to my thoughts;
when i am treated with abuse & neglect (or what my brain tells me is abuse & neglect), i shut down my emotions & once again become a ghost to my own body;
but then again this hollow numbness is the home i grew up in...
i don't remember much of my childhood & sometimes i wonder if that's a good thing;
was it to protect myself from the horrors that i'm not sure even existed,
or was it really a wonderful childhood that i purposefully forgot so i could give all the blame to my family?
i don't remember much of my childhood but i know i forgot it to relieve myself of some of this pressure;
some of this pressure that pushes down on me every minute of every day;
how do you expect me to feel when every feeling i ever expressed was shoved back down my throat because it was too inconvenient for someone else;
how do you expect me to speak when i was trained to bite my tongue because i was always too intelligent for anyone else's comfort;
how do you expect me to live when all i've lived for was to satisfy the needs of those around me so i could feel worthy of the air in my lungs;
& when i say "you", i don't mean you, just you as one sole being, i mean everyone;
everyone i've ever met has expected something of me;
whether it be my body, my mind, my skills or my words,
my heart, my thoughts, my possessions or me;
& you my love, you are everything to me despite my contradictive actions,
because you're the only one who has ever taken a moment to look at me dead in the eyes & ask me with pure love & selflessness
well what do*  you  want...?
*...i wear your sweaters when you're asleep & i wear them when you're not home to remind me that you love me as much as i love you.
& you may be the only person that could truly know who i am.

rewind
be kind, i haven't been
so
to others or myself
we are one
behind this teal
veil;
but rather,
i stay bottled up
in a grimed shell;
let's dance,
shall we?
to music unseen,
our hearts soaring
without wings,
but instead
riding upon
the air waves
of compassion

one day, i won't be
here anymore,--

the breath will have
subsided, and my body
given to the coast guard
for safe keeping;

what of my soul?
the mind struggles to
answer this ever-fleeting
riddle by complicating
matters worse: accumulate,
compete, and compare

meanwhile
the smiles, the frowns,
the lips aligned
in parallel design

play like an instrument
behind the curtain that is
the flesh

and what the flesh
desires, it desires
in droves

i hear my mother
in the background,

screaming something
about how i'll never
amount to anything

but she's long been
dead; and what remains
is a dear old friend

those faithful lines of
hers always keep me in check

they dot the i's
cross the t's

i handle all the rest

but let's
rewind, shall we?

be kind, what of that child
who never got much attention
or nourishment?

surely he's still around
here somewhere; waiting
in the shadows to be called
forth, with words such as:

'come out, my friend. no need
to be afraid; death will take us home
some day, but for now

we awake, we live

to love one another'

because I believe
we are birds of a feather.

drained the snake
tonight;
it's still battered
and bruised from
the five minute fist
fight

i could go another round,

that's if you don't mind
getting kicked while you're
down

or knocked up in this
boring old town.

here, let me buy
you a Mexican coke

don't worry, i got
a bottle opener
somewhere in my bag

found it

see,
there you go

don't worry,--

tastes good doesn't it?

welcome, my friend

to America

the coming days are like
a tidal of white walls

as children, my brothers
and i used to put our
crayons and markers
at work

i wrote my name
in cursive on my
wall, my brothers

drew big circles,
then little circles within
the big ones

and we stood back
like a live audience
with our mouths
agape

there was no such thing
as constructive criticism
at the time; 'yours
*****' seemed
to suffice

but even then,
that got boring

had i known i could
have had a hand in
shaping a sibling
into a spray paint
tagging maestro

i would have said:

i see what you're
trying to do there,

it's a human
being plastered
across a blank
sky

give it some life,
a little color;

like you are
handing over
a full heart
to all that empty space