I did not conquer you,
If that’s even possible,
I just moved through
Your defense with nibbles
And whispered words like morning dew.

You took me seriously
But laughed at the right times
And I fell from winter easily
To your summer of sweet wine
And love’s epiphany.

Your scent drew me in
Forgive me this clichè
Which I could not keep within
For I am still waiting for the day
We meet and commit sin.

I remember so little now,
In my advanced age of 35,
And all my life I’ve lived like
It was going to last forever.
But memories fade, and lacking
Evidence, photographic kind, of me
Being alive, what’s to say any of it
Ever happened?

"You should live in the moment"
And you can’t take material things
When you die.
But nothing survives death anyway,
That’s the point.
An end to make all the forgotten moments
Meaningful.

Don’t look away
When the man weeps
When the woman dies
When the child wails
When the dog whines

Cruelty is the universe moving
Suffering is the feeling of life

Don’t look away
Into the happy times
Into the fearful memory
Into the conceited depression
Into the fake gods

You can’t escape your fate
You won’t evade death.

The universe baby birds knowledge
*** to mouth
and you wonder why the lives of the wise are always so
******.
You think you’re woke but just repeat tropes created by
people selling a lifestyle that puts on trial the idea that being
standard is wild.
Kaleidoscope fractal of reality’s gaping ****** *******
wraps the goal of happiness in a cloak of human nastiness.
This crawl through life is so full of strife
that we spend the majority of it looking for someone
to moan and groan with as the bone is exposed
from the scrapes and cuts we earn when we're alone.

And I am alone.

There is no strength greater
Than the legs of a man fallen
From love's heights to crater
The mud who then crawls in
The filth of false creators
To rise and stand tall in
The face of fate's masticator.

This time of year always hits me
Like a stone in the gut
All the smiling happy faces and stories
Of romantic fluff

And in those lowest moments
I swear I can see
The bottom of that hole, rising
Rising up to swallow

I’ve given my all to this
Ridiculous life
This constant battle against strife
And my bones will fall

Fret not for the coming of day
I pretend to say
As if the night had a loose grip
The darkness would let slip…

The truth is
That gold and memories
Are just what you have.

And they both can bring
Joy
In their having
Gold in the trading
And memory in the making.

But they’re both just things
To possess
And both are very valuable.

I prefer that which
Consumes them both
Alcohol.

We fight daily wars
And it changes us
The fight to survive and pretend to thrive
Buy and buy
How much for your time?
Your day or year
At least they buy yours
At least you get to pick your cage.

The house and the fence
Porches and pets
Maybe love.

And that should be enough
You must not be greedy
See how they give to needy
See how the pleading stirs their soul
And aren’t you thankful
For all that you have.

Talk and talk
But that walk…
All hips and glide
Snide grin flips

Is there a season or
Warm hearts treason
Such a ****** cliché
As if your smile was for me.

I wish I could catch your eye
Or fly that moan and sigh
To the moon that I lost
…For that soul in frost…

I’ve cursed my father
May he rot in his oversized grave.
For what else can a son do
When dignity requires enmity.

I’ve cursed God
May it rot in its ****** tomb.
For what else can a man do
When suffering becomes ingrained.

I’ve cursed myself
May I rot in my muddy hole.
For else can I do
When cowardice causes such shame.

But have you really put yourself out there?

You should just try harder.

You'll find someone eventually.

Heart burnt charcoal dark
By overheated passion.
It crumbles in
Your well intentioned fingers.

Blinking at my screen
Not so fast as it.
Thought arrived, of explosions
Not so fast as it.
And life’s lived therein
Not so fast as it.
This unfolding infinity
Not so fast as it.
Expanding explosion of everything.
Not so fast as it
Could be the beat of a heart,
Not so fast as it.
But that big bang is,
Not so fast as it,
Slowed by our interior perspective.
Not so fast as it.
The shock to chaos for reorder
Not so fast as it.
Like moving or supernovae
Not so fast as it.
But thoughts flee,
Not so fast as it
Changes perspective.

Finding confidence
Or rather
Finding apathy
What happens when nihilism
Overwhelms pessimism
Overwhelms doubt.

We're just dust organized interestingly
So smile
At me or her or him
And ignore failure’s omnipresence
Enjoy your freedom.

We always equate success
With mountain tops
As if ascending the rocky spires
Is where you want to go.

It’s probably a bible thing
Moses and commandments
Seems silly, saying **** like that
Like God is on a ******* mountain.

And what do you get from success?
Money, comfort, happiness, love?
No, you get what you’ve always had
As any mountaineer can tell you

Nothing but views and cold at the top.

That avalanche of *******
You call living day to day
With empty eyes and arms sliced
Blades
Blood
Bury your ******* dreams
In the back yard of that corporation
That office full of death and undeath
Those wise words wishing well
On your descent up the ladder.
Life lived like loss and happiness offset.

I’ve always found it easier
To define myself by what I’m not
Because I don't want to be cheesy or
Whatever, so I started smoking ***
And doing things that made my parents queasier
Than if they’d just eaten a bunch of my socks.

But now I don't know who I am
Like, I don't have a defining feature
And it feels like my future is just a sham
Because I’m just an ideology preacher
So pick something and be it, don't be just a **** creature.

Welcome is the breaking branch,
fallen from hopes and pleasant futures.
May it land safely on the
neck of despair.

Buds of love, lust, and luck
sprout from now withered twigs,
never blossoming on trampled
underbrush.

Rust dust crusts husks
of broken men before
the droop of her pouty lips.

Lust thrusts guts just
in time to feel truly
helpless before those
******* blue eyes.

Blind mind dined fine
on the entrails of
groaning peasants.

Kind grind bind spine
Of the loose backed
Weak kneed man

I still think of her and lament my lack of her….

I don’t know which is worse
Feeling cursed by winter’s cold isolation
Or future’s immolation by past’s failure.
Like some sailor in lonely seas
Knowing that perfect she, just doesn’t exist for me.

Do you think I’m worth saving?
Could I convince you?
How much does it cost to save
a life, or how much
Is a stone cold heart actually…

The you and I
In my future bides time
For my dreams to combine
And put you before my gray eyes.

Beautiful light clashes with my ugly darkness
Eradicating the masticating thoughts of rejection

Smile at me please
Maybe my frozen stone heart will unfreeze

There must be something wrong with my soul.
I’m willing to be who they want
Just so I can be who they want.

But I’m still just one
In a world of zeroes and twos
And Three Dog Night sang right about
One.

But I smile to people and hide how
….Feeble….
I feel.

Inside I am chaos and wreckage
Jealous of how happy she is
Outside I’m fat and ugly
Dying slowly with every laugh.