Isn’t this confusing?

To be a hopeless romantic

Searching for your twin flame

Curving the mundane

To find The one whom is equally yoked

I'm Lost and wandering

In what once was
familiar territory

But this open space has

Transformed itself into battle grounds

I'm sparring viciously for one's attention
Because there are women

That are willing to lose their identities

To faces with no name

And are often times too eager to spread
Fibia bones to avoid the vacancy in their beds

And then there's me;

Attracting men

That only latch onto women for therapy
Refusing to take responsibility for their own healing

Claiming a Queen as his property

Because he fails to have control over his own life

and i have learned how to adapt in this chaos
Forcing to close myself off

From the one thing I've wanted so badly

I guess we can consider this a toxic relationship

Where you have you the power to bless me with your shadows

Every so often

Because i allow you to re-enter the cherry blossomed gates of my universe without apology

For each and every time you’ve left me wondering

If you even still exist

I feel the stings of your inconsistency

The moment you decide to reappear

Upon my flesh

With sweet kisses of memoriam

Of that dreaded night of our introduction
Where gulps of Easy Jesus, whispered “take it Easy, Jesus,”

Yet i still chose to drown in my sins anyway

That beautiful brown clouded my vision
Led me to the scent of freshly cleansed white sheets

And four white walls

That reflect the violence that attacked my privacy
Acquainting me to the silent monster
That’s never present

Yet readily shows up for our quarterly meetings

Reminding me of

You

Not everyone who shows you an ounce

Of attention during your states of vulnerability
,
Where your brokenness has drenched blood into your arteries,

Clogging the bit of hope you had left seeping in an abyss,

Deserves to bask in the taste of your ancestral secrets.

Why weren't you taught the science of the lion and the gazelle,

Where predators seek out the weak and down-trotted,

Just For their leisure?

just because they’ve seen tears shed

And they've caressed the nothingness that
wallows in the pit of your stomach,

does not entitle them to your graces

You must learn when it’s time to protect your peace.
You
must learn when solitude is necessary

I tend to fall into a complacent obsession
Over unhealthy attachments

That will lead to me self-harm

And carving suicidal thoughts along

The dotted lines of my veins

Just so I can portray my favorite role

Once again -
The victim

My parting wish for you

Would be that you find someone

Whose kisses unlock your chakras

Open your third eye

Without conjuring up your inner demons
That you’ve Buried at the base of your spine
I pray that they be exorcised

And i hope that their destiny aligns with your ancestry

And you find happiness at the tips of their fingers

And find God in their breath

You are a King

Never let any living being with a functioning nervous system

half love you
I'm also referring to the man that stares back at you in your reflection
You see,
You have worn yourself thin

Your diamond crown has wilted

Into that of jester

From burning yourself raw by entering scorned women

With burning hot resentment

Manifesting in their wombs

You’ve played boo-boo the fool

To many A devil in tight dresses

Perpetual Man eaters

Posed as your Eve

Who werent meant to be your
rib
In the first place

You’ve allowed them

In your breathing canal

And you wonder why you have suffocated
You fail to realize that these creatures don’t care for you

In ways you wish your father taught you
were acceptable to be nurtured

Did he not teach you that self-love wasn’t at the foundation of narcissism

And endlessly adjusting your physical attributes

Won't mask the emptiness you feel when you go to bed at night

You have operated out of self-destruction for so long

your incompetence has set the standard

Of sub-par credentials in the women lay down and you bust open
To coddle their insecurities
 To sleep
Just so you won’t stare at a vacant space
White walls echoing  the secrets of your loneliness

You play etch-a-sketch with the tracks of your tears on black pillowcases because you are forced to shed them in the dark
You aren’t in alignment

With the man God has called you to be

And now, the only person blocking you from your destiny is you

The “getting to know you” phase, for me,
Gets exhausting

Because scorned kings will allow me
the pleasure of being introduced to their insecurities

Their aged old vices

before I can get the chance to even learn the given name on their birth certificate

Hi, “my mother never nestled me in her ***** and my father doesn’t give two ***** about me,”

When all I inquired about was your zodiac sign

You had the audacity to claim

Your love language dripped off my tongue
I didn’t know that physical touch could taste so sweet

We’ve made love to a codependent fallacy of laying in the midnight hour

In each other's anointing oil,
convincing ourselves that this is love

Not that insertion is an addiction

And the only physical touch that you are fluent in is a pelvic ******
and the only language your tongue

Is fluent in

Is betrayal

I want to fall in love with how your mouth formulates vowels

And how your teeth articulate its consonants while mentioning my name

I want to dissect your psyche with my tongue

And witness what your thoughts taste like

You are the cherry

Resting atop my chocolate, wet dreams

Mixing these intimate philosophies

With your poetry

While you penetrate me with your eyes

Our wildest fantasies are intertwined

Like DNA at the peak of conception

I’ll be the Ntozake to your Uncle Luke

Let these fragranced words drip wet on these dotted lines because i thot about you

I just wanted to tell you that I forgive you
Wanted to tell you that
There’s no need to apologize

For i already have taken full responsibility for coddling your self destruction

I hold myself accountable for mind ******* your insecurities, orgasming myself into an illusion

and giving you the audacity to feel entitled to do me the way that you did me

This beautiful toxicity was at my disposal
For lying in bed with your agony replaced me having to face my own in the mirror

So, why don’t you accept this apology from me

I promise you I won’t throw palm trees at your presence

And I will smile every time you see me grace your walkway

Because you have given me motivation to be a better

Healthier woman for a man who doesn’t even know
That someone like me exists

I promise you now, I’m preserving my energy

You can no longer suffocate the peace in me

This is the end

I made the decision to love you

Not because your actions were deserving
But because loving me properly

Involved too much work,

Requiring an isolation that I was not willing to forego

Due to selfish, adolescent inadequacies
That i held onto for the purpose of continued victimization

So I chose you as a cohabitant in my desperation

To gain some type of clarity

Control over miscarried thoughts

And feelings

conceptualized into flesh and bone

Cole said,
“I know your deepest punishment is that you’re not with me,”

And i felt that
Felt that with the utmost empathy

You see,
Karma is well endowed

For I know that you stare into the looking glass

Face drenched with tears

Because that Apple in your eye

Has fallen far from its tree

And you can’t replenish it’s seeds in your soil

Because the core is
deeply embedded in me

I’m a hopeless romantic

Living and loathing

In a world whose inhabitants

Have the sick fetish of savagery

Walking around like a cold-blooded *******

Who has forgotten her heart is still worn on her sleeve

I’ve been roaming around in my self-conscious

Because my thoughts are the only things that won’t leave me

I’ve been drowning in plagiarized I love you’s

From the lips of those who don’t understand

Their falsehood only coddles my abandonment issues

Leading me right back to that window
Pushing blinds back

Anxiously anticipating your visiting hours
That you have forgotten about for

the third time

This week

You were born with a target on your back
Not solely because the melanin in your skin
Is a reflection of the sun rise

But the patriarchy made it unacceptable
For me to love you, anyway

Due to imposed inferiority

The inferiority of the Caucasian man
and pseudoscientific dispositions;

he saw the power of your birthright

Way Before your conception
and deemed you dangerous

A danger to society
A danger to yourself

A danger to your creator, which is me,

Because i was taught by my father’s actions that you would learn to how to hate black women

So i was made to believe that carrying you was an attempt at committing suicide

Finding out your gender

Was like puncturing my aorta

A self-inflicted wound

Because out here in this sphere of chaos,
there was a possibility that I could lose you

Lose you to the streets
Or , more scarily,
lose you to the barrel of a .45 being held by a Chad

Who would confuse your prepubescent body

with that of a man’s

while holding a water gun outside and mistaking your robust laughter for angry outbursts

But
I was mainly worried that I’d lose you to yourself

So Becoming shelter to black testosterone

Felt like suffocation

For my mind became a chamber of pessimism because those that carry the Y chromosome only dispensed

their love in me

Never for me , and always with a condition

That was until i heard your heart beat
And with each flutter and strengthening kick

I vowed to guard you with my life on

Lock

Your entrance into this world taught me it’s okay to be human
And Your tiny little hands, as they gently brush against my face,
remind me that it’s perfectly normal to resurrect my being every time

I succumb to the unrealistic expectations of mankind

I thank you, for introducing me to my destiny

I look into your eyes and I realize that
God must be a black woman

because who could ever create something so beautiful

And as a woman alone, a black woman alone
Raising up a black boy and molding
Him into greatness in such
bone chattering realities
Is terrifying

I promise,
Mommy’s got your back

And though your father has disappeared into the clouds

As the narrative of black men abandoning their offspring

Lingers into the density of the night behind him

Know that I will always be a present

Even if the world has already singled you out,

Betting its odds against you,

I guarantee I will be your highest bidder

There’s no need to be afraid

I don’t care if your power is viewed as a threat
And your anxiety will cause you to viciously watch

Your back as the days progress

Know that
You are bulletproof

For I created you with resilience

And i am your portal

Navigate through me
and I guarantee
you’ll find your refuge

Right back on pride rock where you belong

And I’ll be standing there
with open arms
Remember, i am your lion’s guard.

I’ve been trying to be in agreement
With you and your power
Begging you to use it wisely
Versus allowing maggots to
Plant seeds in your Fertile Crescent
Convincing yourself that you’ll birth butterflies
But somehow they won’t escape from their cocoon
You are bruised
And scattered
From accepting changing faces with the same name and vernacular just to feel the depths of your vessel
Beat it up just enough for you to think you’ve discovered your worth
And now,  you think you are dying
I told you, you’re worth more than fake ******* and the subtle loneliness you experience when he comes inside of you
You are the universe
Yet you’re Buried in darkness
Only to make your journey around the sun
To find redemption
It is time
To come together
Come back to me
And coexist in one being
Surrender to your truth

You would’ve been 25 today
And yet today, we have not been blessed with the graces of brown eyes, brazen golden shoulders
Telling the begotten tale of a black man’s prosperous survival
In a cruel world meant to defeat him
We didn’t get the chance to hear the sound of your arms wrapping around your mother
As she announced her bid for the office
Or see the thoughts flowing
Out of your eyes as you gazed
Into the clouds, creating space craft that would fly past the ionosphere
Today, you would’ve been 25
Sharing memories of adolescence and manhood with those that follow you
Chugging a beer with your kinfolk as your father beams at you proudly
Today, you would have been 25
And all we can do is mourn
For you and the millions of black Boyz
Whose hoodies are viewed as a threat to a society that views them as your bullet proof vest

I seem to think of you

When my trauma wakes me up at 3 AM
Convincing me that the smell of your touch

Will bring me to me a euphoric ******
When all i can remember is the shrill sounds of your rage

With your phalanges around my throat in bouts of anger
Or ecstasy

Tricking my frontal cortex into thinking
That this is what security feels like

Where real love equates to immense suffering

And “i love you”
wreaks in self sacrifice

But that feels better than accepting

The silence of loneliness at night

Because you're not here for our

Emotional incontinence to rock

Each other to sleep