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 Aug 2021 WickedHope
AJ
BPD’s Lost
 Aug 2021 WickedHope
AJ
i’m still heartbroken,
lost without the person i turned to when my world was upside down.
but you proved that you stopped caring,
just like everyone else before you.
i know i am difficult,
a mess that’s so broken you kept getting cut on the pieces.
you promised me you would be there through thick and thin,
but now here i am becoming a narcissist writing about the pain you’ve caused.
I love him
I tell myself
I know that
We will be together forever
I don’t believe that
We could be separated
My thoughts tell me that
He’s the love of my life
Sometimes my heart lies and says
I could live an eternity
Without him
Like my friends say
“We’re perfect for each other”
And you can’t tell me
He’s not the one.

Now read from bottom to top.
Under the arch of Life, where love and death,
Terror and mystery, guard her shrine, I saw
Beauty enthroned; and though her gaze struck awe,
I drew it in as simply as my breath.
Hers are the eyes which, over and beneath,
The sky and sea bend on thee,—which can draw,
By sea or sky or woman, to one law,
The allotted bondman of her palm and wreath.

This is that Lady Beauty, in whose praise
Thy voice and hand shake still,—long known to thee
By flying hair and fluttering hem,—the beat
Following her daily of thy heart and feet,
How passionately and irretrievably,
In what fond flight, how many ways and days!
I was 14 when I was put in prison.
Controlled by a guard that would threaten if I disobeyed to collapse all I knew around me.
To ruin the lives of those I loved but he wouldn’t
I promised my word of silence, tell no soul then no souls would be lost or damaged.
I was their protector.
They’re only hope.
Do as I say he demands.
Wear this!
“No don’t wear that.”
and call me by my name
“Who am I to you?!”
Daddy
That crippling word used for control
Taking away any meaning that word could mean in different context
Crumpled me up by his fist and blew away the dust
I tasted freedom for the first time
19
I sipped on the ability to run, free
Fly
I was able to breathe
Those souls were released
But what do I do with mine?
Fill it with the poison of what I hadn’t experienced before
Drugs
Alcohol
I became the destructor of those souls
Crashing and setting fire to them all
With my hatred for anything tying me down
And throwing those chains back on
Turning my back on those who would’ve searched for the key til the end of time.
I ran
back to prison
My own prison of thoughts and chances I missed
Consumed by the “what if’s”
Losing my mind
Lost
But slowly crawling to a stand
Stand to a walk
Walk to a run
I will fly again
I will fly
The poison ****** from my body.
I am living.
I’m flying
22
My attempt at smash poetry. Be gentle with me.
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