"You don't want to look back at your life and realize that you wasted it in front of a screen, do you?"

That's what they say.

And to them, I'd say
There are times that I feel everything around me is crumbling.
That I'm crumbling,
That my mind is turning against me.

As much as I try to fight it
I can't help the crippling depression and anxiety
that comes from seeing
a raincloud in the distance
Or sometimes, for no reason at all.

I can't control how the depression festers,
the intrusive thoughts that tell me
everyone would be be better off
if I wasn't around,
that there's a way to assure
that I'll never be caught in the rain again

I cannot count how many times I've turned to substance abuse to stop the thoughts.
I cannot count how many times the substance has worsened my condition,
Made me paranoid, Afraid of myself,
afraid of what will become of me
if i allow myself to stay

I cannot count how many moments I've had where I shoveled mountains of food into my mouth during a binge because I wasn't sure what to do with my hands.
I cannot count how many times I've punched a wall or slung everything off my desk because I needed to act impulsively in a way that would harm only myself.
I cannot count how many times I have thought of ending my own life.
I think about it every day.
More than once a day.

Sometimes I get so bad off that I can't do anything at all.
I know I can't die
my desk is already empty, i don't have the strength to throw a punch
The thought of food makes me want to *****

Those really bad times are when I turn to
my favorite TV shows for comfort

Watching a good series is like
getting ****** into a different world,
escaping from reality, all while
Being gently reminded that
there is good in this world.
that there are reasons to stay
Even if the only thing keeping me there in that moment
is the cliff hanger that was left for me at the end of the episode

If the distraction of the plot alone wasn't enough already,
the characters teach me

Katara teaches how to stand up for what you believe in and to never lose hope
Zuko teaches that you can shape your own destiny, and do what is right.
Toph teaches that you should never let another person define your abilities

Jim and Pam taught me that love doesn't always have to die as you grow older
Dwight and Angela gave me hope that things can work out in the end, even if the road is rough

Amethyst teaches that you should be comfortable with your body and its abilities
Garnet taught me to never be sorry for being who I am
Pearl taught me that it is possible to move on from losing someone you were in love with
Steven taught me that you should always stand up for what is good

Leela showed me that women can kick some SERIOUS ***, and that we should be proud of it.
Fry showed me that home is defined by being surrounded by people you love

Rick taught me that in the grand scheme of things, a lot of the things i blow up in my head are very very trivial, and that i should focus on more important things... like science!

Lastly, Morty taught me
"Nobody exists on purpose, nobody belongs anywhere, everyone's gonna die, come watch TV"

life asked death "why do people love me but hate you? Why do those with depression see it differently?" Death responded "Because you are a beautiful lie and I am a painful truth, but for those with depression they realize the lie and see me as an escape"

Im done caring.
Im done with school.
Im done with homework.
Im done with the foster system.
Im done with my brother.
Im done with my mom.
Im done with my dad.
Im done with teachers.
Im done with no self harm.
Im done with trying.
Im done with life.
Everything is **** and nothing is getting better.

You start with a puny piece of metal. You would think its crazy that this control over you but it does. You put it to your skin with your heart racing. Thoughts start to flood your mind. At first you press lightly making a pretty red line. Not enough. You put your blade over the crimson line and press again. Not enough. You press again working up the courage to press harder. Not enough. You slice and you slice till you get to it. The vein. One more cut. You feel faint but decide its time. Blood starts flowing. Your heart is racing. Thoughts flood your head. You hold on for dear life. You realise you have been screaming this whole time. Your sister runs in seeing the blood and you on the floor. Red Everywhere. No way to stop it so you let go. Your horrible thoughts stop. Your sisters calls for help stop. Your heavy breathing stops. Your racing heart. Stops. Everything stops.

You have had a hard day. You decide to go to the beach to relax.
When you get there you only feel worse because it's empty. It's cold and rainy. You start to think. You think about your boyfriend who wanted nothing but money and *** from you. You think about your best friend and how he molested you. You think about your brother and how he told you to **** yourself. You start to feel worse and worse. You don't know what to do. You try to distract yourself. You count the number of cinder blocks on the dock. You notice one is loose. You get and walk over to it. You try to pull it out. Its stuck. You wiggle it a bit more and it pulls out. It's heavy. You end up dropping it in the sand its so heavy. You think about how your life *****. You think about the kid at school who called you fat. Then you start to think more about how your brother told you to **** yourself. You think enough is enough. You pick up the cinder block and you walk to the end of the long dock. There is a short rope tied to the dock probably from a boat. You try to untie it. After untieing it for over twenty minutes you finally get it loose. Short but long enough to do the job. You tie one end to a cinder block but it falls off immediately. Then you try copying the knot you just untied. You pick it up and it stays. You put down the cinder block on the end of the dock. You take off your shoes and sit next to it. You let out a sigh. You take the other end of the scratchy rope and tie it around your ankle. You pick up the cinder block and put it on your lap. You start to get scared. Your breath is heavy. Your heart is racing. You stand up with the cinder block in your hands. You think this is it. You take a calming breath. The cinder block seems to feel lighter. You make the decision. You throw the cinder block with all your might and when you do you immediately feel regret. You realize this was not supposed to be your ending. When the block falls it jerks you toward the water breaking your ankle and scratches your back on the dock. When you crash into the water it is so cold it feels like a thousand tiny little knives. You scream on instinct only to realize no one can hear you. You ankle feels so swollen and full of pain. As you slowly drift to the bottom of the lake you scream and flail your arms trying to get to your ankle to untie it. You cant reach. Your almost out of breath. Your heart is racing. Everything hurts. You need to breathe so bad. You have no choice. You breathe in the water. It burns. It burns your nose. It burns your throat. It burns your lungs. Everything hurts worse and worse. You start to lose consciousness. Your vision is blurry. Everything burns. Everything hurts. Then the pain is gone for good.

You have had a hard day. You decide to go to the beach to relax.
When you get there you only feel worse because it's empty. It's cold and rainy. You start to think. You think about your boyfriend who wanted nothing but money and *** from you. You think about your best friend and how he molested you. You think about your brother and how he told you to **** yourself. You start to feel worse and worse. You don't know what to do. You try to distract yourself. You count the number of cinder blocks on the dock. You notice one is loose. You get and walk over to it. You try to pull it out. Its stuck. You wiggle it a bit more and it pulls out. It's heavy. You end up dropping it in the sand its so heavy. You think about how your life *****. You think about the kid at school who called you fat. Then you start to think more about how your brother told you to **** yourself. You think enough is enough. You pick up the cinder block and you walk to the end of the long dock. There is a short rope tied to the dock probably from a boat. You try to untie it. After untieing it for over twenty minutes you finally get it loose. Short but long enough to do the job. You tie one end to a cinder block but it falls off immediately. Then you try copying the knot you just untied. You pick it up and it stays. You put down the cinder block on the end of the dock. You take off your shoes and sit next to it. You let out a sigh. You take the other end of the scratchy rope and tie it around your ankle. You pick up the cinder block and put it on your lap. You start to get scared. Your breath is heavy. Your heart is racing. You stand up with the cinder block in your hands. You think this is it. You take a calming breath. The cinder block seems to feel lighter. You make the decision. You throw the cinder block with all your might and when you do you immediately feel regret. You realize this was not supposed to be your ending. When the block falls it jerks you toward the water breaking your ankle and scratches your back on the dock. When you crash into the water it is so cold it feels like a thousand tiny little knives. You scream on instinct only to realize no one can hear you. You ankle feels so swollen and full of pain. As you slowly drift to the bottom of the lake you scream and flail your arms trying to get to your ankle to untie it. You cant reach. Your almost out of breath. Your heart is racing. Everything hurts. You need to breathe so bad. You have no choice. You breathe in the water. It burns. It burns your nose. It burns your throat. It burns your lungs. Everything hurts worse and worse. You start to lose consciousness. Your vision is blurry. Everything burns. Everything hurts. Then the pain is gone for good.