I'm sorry, I care so deeply about you. You have made me feel so deeply, so grateful and special. I wish I felt better, I wish I felt more worthy, I wish you felt I was worthy too... I am sorry. I want you to be happy again. I want your eyes to light up the way they used to when you saw me. I want to feel comfortable with both feet in, I'm sorry I've never committed fully to you, it's something that scares me to the core, like maybe if I jump on board completely I'll sink, maybe I'm not enough and if I give myself completely to someone they'll know, they'll know I'm not enough. I'm sorry I have never given you that, I'm sorry I never made you feel like enough. I will always love you Jeff, I will always want you to be happy, I just don't know how to be okay, I just don't know what to do. I will never forgive myself for how I've hurt you.

So hollow now
You're hungry for another hit
You just needed a little bit
But I'm not your dope anymore
Pupils don't rush to the edges of your eyes no more, eager to meet mine
Baby she's a dime
**** her into your blood stream
Stuck in some pipe dream
She hits you hard baby
And you like it
maybe

I woke up in a cool sweat with tangles in my head.
hands shaking ever so slightly
the sheets kicked off my bed.
I tried to swallow hard,
holding back a scream
the beeping of my clock
helped me escape from my bad dreams.

Have you ever caught a Firefly,
Cupped between your fingers on humid summer nights?
And have you ever put one hand in front of the other,
Trying to keep a lady bug from crawling off of them?
Or picked up worms out of puddles in the rain,
So they wouldn’t drown?
And do you ever feel butterflies,
Their perfect wings,
Flitting against your stomach.
Did you feel butterflies
When you saw me?

It’s too hot to sleep, and so I’m sitting on the curb. A mosquito whispers in my ear and I lazily sweep her away, I don’t have time to listen.  Not tonight. Not now when his breath is stained with alcohol, not when his eyes are red from restless nights. Wakeless nightmares. He sits on the curb in silence--sitting next to me--hunched over, his spine silhouetted on his skin. And we sit there for hours, exchanging no words, only breaths. Each taking a turn breathing in a little poison.

Her fingers dance
Inches from the flashlight.
Inches from the bottom bunk wall
And like magic,
A bunny I could hold in my hand,
A butterfly the size of my face,
A dog, howling at the glow in the dark stars and moon
Pasted on the ceiling.
Tonight we giggle in hushed tones.
Tonight I don't race off to Mamas bed.
Tonight she chases away the bad dreams with shadow puppets

The stars have left us
Replaced by the morning light
Now I close my eyes

Do you remember,
Lying on the tennis court at 2 am,
our backs damp from the midnight rain,
and the sky sprinkled with pinpricks?
Do you remember the silence,
the blended darkness
that fit into us perfectly?
Do you remember how you looked at me
And smiled,
Told me how happy you were,
That we would always stay together?
Forever?
Because I do.
And I hope you do too.

Midnight.
I sit in bed, folding paper airplanes.
the streetlight casting soft shadows as they race around my room.
Tumbling, turning, tossing themselves in the air.
Like shooting stars.
And I count the seconds before they land.
Close my eyes
One, two, three.
Wish
Before they crash.
And when morning comes the
Paper planes scatter the floor, a war zone
Their wings twisted from falling fast.
Crumpled from a quick descent and mourning footsteps.
Eight o’clock
I pick up the trash.

People used to tell me
“You say sorry way too much.” This of course would always bring on a clumsy apology
“Yeah I know. I’m sorry.”
They’d also say that sorry is a ******* phrase, that you’ve got to change before you can be sorry.
But I know for a fact that when I apologize I’m saying so because I  am sorry.
I’m sorry but no I didn’t do my homework last night.
Oh I’m sorry that ***** dish I left in the sink—Insert lame excuse here.
Hey, you know that book you let me borrow? Oops, sorry.
See? It’s all better. And so, I’m sorry:  
To that desk for breaking your braces through your cheek.  
For not plugging your ears to those malicious words that no back, not even yours, was meant to bear.
That you went hungry because my allowance wasn’t for you, it was for a my little pony instead.
That you still aren’t better,
at least… not yet.
Sorry To that glass that broke the wall right behind your head.
That you can’t stop suckling on that bottle no matter how hard you try and pull your lips away.
That you lost your hair, house, job and, someone seems to have stolen your smile.
That you have never really been loved, at least, at least not the right way. And maybe it’s my fault…
But when worst meets worst and your hands are beaten and blistered from carrying your troubles. When your mountain is far too tall to climb. Just know that I am sorry. And that’s all I can be
is sorry.

My breath fades into a ghost
Feet crunch on a crust of ice
Branches stretch like skeletal fingers
Angels have left their silhouettes

Feet crunch on a crust of ice
Boot prints leading them away
Angels have left their silhouettes
Children gloves are strewn across the yard

Boot prints leading them away
To a place frozen shut
Children gloves are strewn across the yard
And door knobs stay untwisted

To a place frozen shut
When cheeks are stung red
And door knobs stay untwisted
Beneath frozen palms

When cheeks are stung red
Where summer used to dance
Beneath frozen palms
And everlasting sunshine

Branches stretch like skeletal fingers
Where summer used to dance
Beneath frozen palms
My breath fades into a ghost

Kisses
His lips
Stained red from cherry lip-gloss and his skin still damp from midnight lust.
Our arms and legs lay tangled beneath the stars.
These are the good nights
The, Nightmare, Night terror
Free nights.
Filled with burnt out cigarettes and hushed tones.
These are the nights
That push the cortisol from my mind to be replaced by a
Cheap serotonin fix.
These nights are my lullabies and goodnight
Kisses
His lips
Push their way against my squirming flesh, my tongue too tied to protest.
His hands caress,
My arms and legs. twisted behind locked doors.
These are the restless nights
Tossed and turned like mildewed clothes
Filled with empty cups and muffled moans.
These are the nights-- I’m sorry
The nights I pray for sunrise
Kisses.
Her lips
Find their way to my worried ear, stroking, Hushing.
“It’s okay baby girl mama’s here.”
Shhhhh.
These nights are long nights
When my legs are restless from running through my head,
Monsters,
Hiding underneath my bed.
These nights are filled with screams, they
Strangle my throat, and Chills prickle my spine but
These nights are saved
By her forehead
Kisses