What if I never stop loving you?
I think that's what scares me the most.
I had been doing just fine for months.
No tears.
No sadness.
I accepted things.
I thought I let go.

But it's 3am in the morning and I miss you.
I don't want to but I do.
I shouldn't be crying but I am.
It's pathetic that I'm still grieving as if you were dead.
This isn't fair.
While I'm stuck hating myself for loving you, you don't even care.
You're not hurting.
You're not broken over this.
You're not feeling loss.
I ******* hate this.

How many times do I need to pray for God to take this away.
Take this love that's hollowed me out.
Take this sadness.
Take the suffocating sorrow.
Take away the memories of him that bring me to my knees.
I don't want to love this man anymore that has broken me to my
Very core.

For the first time in a long time I saw you in my dreams.
I remember running to you in a field of nothing but black roses.
The sky was grey and so was the sun.
When I finally reached you, I clutched onto you and I said nothing as I stood on my tip toes and welcomed you with a passionate kiss.
I remember time slowing down and giving me this moment.
I remember every single nerve in my body dancing as our lips reminisced how much we have missed each other.

I also remember breaking our kiss.
Telling you I loved you, but also saying I shouldn't be here and that I had to go.
I'll never forget the look on your face as I started to fade right there in front of you..
Watching the sadness swirl in your eyes as you asked me why.....
And how I simply replied...
because you're going to destroy me.

Pain is my only reminder that I'm still alive.

I lie awake most nights...
Hold myself..
And..
Cry.

What else would you have me do?
I'm numb.
Its been months.
And my heart is still so broken.
I've asked God many nights.
Why do I still love him?
Why...
Why...
And please take away these feelings inside.

But each day passes and God never answers.
The agony and sorrow I feel is so ******* crippling...


Yea, this must be Hell.

It happened again..
The tossing and turning.
The can't sleep.
Thinking of things you shouldn't.

For the first time in months my mind found you.
I was fine at first,
Until I remembered how much I loved you, and the pain that came with it.
I regretted entertaining the mere idea of you almost instantly.
As I felt that familiar venomous sting of pure sadness and agony spread through me.




I hate love.

I have to confess something.
As for me, this is like nails on a chalk board.
It's like a sharp blade to my throat.

I shouldn't feel this way but I do.
I shouldn't write about this but I do.
One can only gather, there's something very wrong with me this much I promise is true.

I miss you...
There i said it.
I confessed it.
This is beyond wrong to still love a man so untrue.

You were my first love this much is true.
But I was consumed by you.
By loving you.
By thinking you loved me too.

I know now that; that none of that was true.
That you never loved me, and this much I had to learn was true.

I broke down and finally filled my prescription.
Got to the point where the darkness almost consumed me.
I was depressed but for once not over you.
Being that sad is a real thing you know.
But don't let the darkness win, don't let it consume you, or it will.