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  Apr 4 Chris Murray
julius
sorry i made you walk
when i promised roses
and i'm sorry i talked
about things that were pointless

you don't make me nervous
you've only made me anxious
that i'll **** up if your eyes
turn silver when you melt

don't fall for me
i'll be your regret

i warned you a thousand times,
spelled it out for you on the fridge
that i am not right, a little too bruised.
but you just smiled and asked
for me to do the same to you.
god, why did it have to be me
  Aug 2020 Chris Murray
South City Lady
She drapes her beauty
over a gossamer sleeve

breathes music box melody

through the spindles of dreams

elopes with the stars

and whispers
lavish possibilities

through a cauldron of clouds

she, the whimsy,
midnight Blues fantasy

seeped in gin
drizzled over
my sins

she is madness
and meaning

commingled in
pearlescent
glow
I was inspired by John Destalo's style in "Scavenger" and Patty and Gideon's homage to the Blues and the beautifully soft phrase "cauldron of clouds" in Shamamama's "Sleepless."  The phrase bewitched me.
I know you don't believe me anymore
but I still want to say it.
So, here goes... I'm sorry.
I'm sorry for letting you down, time after time.
I'm sorry for repeating the same mistakes, over and over.
I'm sorry for not trying hard enough to get straight A's.
I'm sorry for thinking that A's & B's were good enough.
I'm sorry for not having any common sense.
I'm sorry for being hard-headed & stubborn.
I'm sorry for being passive-aggressive without meaning to.
I'm sorry for not being mature enough for my age.
I'm sorry for breaking the rules.
I'm sorry for going through the fridge without permission and eating food that doesn't belong to me.
I'm sorry for occasionally taking things that aren't mine from around the house because no one uses them anymore.
I'm sorry that I'm not as angelic as my little sisters.
I'm sorry for all the headaches I've given you.
I'm sorry for all the fights I've caused between you and Dad.
I'm sorry for being a disappointment.
I'm sorry that I like to watch TV.
I'm sorry that I get distracted easily.
I'm sorry that you think I'm weird.
I'm sorry for how I look when I take a picture.
I'm sorry for having an uncontrollable habit that led to me creating scars all over my face.
I'm sorry for having depression and anxiety.
I'm sorry that I have ADHD that I don't know how to control.
I'm sorry that I don't fit in anywhere.
I'm sorry for spending 12 of my 16 years of life trying to make you as proud of me as possible, but instead making you count the days until my 18th birthday so I won't be your problem anymore.
I'm sorry for being a horrible person in your eyes.
I'm sorry that you think I'm heartless because I never cry in front of you.
I'm sorry that you think I don't care about anyone or anything.
But most of all,  I'm sorry that you think that this is actually who I am...
I'm sorry for never reaching your crazy standards and for never being good enough.
I guess... I'm sorry for being human.
"I just want to be happy,"
I said, as tears fell down my face
I just want to be happy
and get the hell out of this place.

I just want to be happy
but I know I'll never feel that here
in this place where love is scarcely shown
and most time is spent in fear...

I just want to be happy
I don't wanna measure up
to some stupid freaking standards
that society made up

I just want to be happy
I just want to feel free
I just want to feel secure...
like I can actually be me

I want to lay down my burden
kick my heels up & relax...
I just want to be happy...
Is that too much to ask?
Happiness seems to evade me at every turn... stupid me...I forget...I'm not meant to be happy...when will I ever learn?
  Dec 2019 Chris Murray
Squid
I don't have the words
Your words
The words that bring me to tears
The words that comfort me more than the man of the ocean's melody
It's absurd
How I can have all these complexities within me
Only for them to be swept away when I try to convey them
I long for your way with words
The ability to speak in an impacting way
Forgive my sense of inferiority, friend
I know you hate pedestals
But I could never envision myself atop one either
It feels great to be writing again.
  Dec 2019 Chris Murray
georgia
thought about putting a wedding dress on,
maybe then you’d look at me.
all you want is ***, baby, slow down,
we have all the time in the world if you want me.

i don’t know why i put up with you,
you make me feel so low.
and talking to you is like talking to a brick wall,
but i’d never tell you that, because i know you would explode.
and as much as you cause me misery,
i’d never wish the same upon you.

we’re different, babe.
i care for you, and you pretend.
and even though i’d never admit it,
we both know how it’ll end.
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