They said they just knew.

“I knew they were the one.“

What a powerful thing to know.

How much uncertainty gets taken out of life. Because they knew.

The bar is set high.
Do you know?
Do you know like they knew?
Don’t you want... to know?

Felt sick to my stomach this morning.
It reminded me of you.

Where am I?
“You’re dead.” They said.

“It was quick, that’s why you have no memory. No pain, you came straight here.”

And where is here?

“Heaven of course”

Right right.
Well, glad I made it.
So what’s next? Do I go inside?

“Nope first you have to settle up your will.”

My will? Like my last will and testament?

“Yep!”

I think I did one of those, when I was living?

“No no sorry... not the will of your earth stuff. The will of your energy.”

My what?

“Your energy. The energy that was given to you upon birth.”

What do you mean?

“Energy never dies, it just goes into other things.”

Ok... sorry i’m still a little lost.

“You know when you felt like someone who died is with you? Or you get a sense they are watching out for you?”

Yes... of course.

“Did you think that was just in your head? Your emotions getting the better of you?”

Well kind of...

“Wrong! That’s their energy. They willed a portion of their energy to you. That’s why you felt them. They gave you a piece of themselves. It’s the most core thing you can will.”  

Wow. So I get to choose who feels those moments with me?

“Yes. Yes you do.”

Ok this might take a while...

“Don’t take too long, all of the people who willed to you - they’re right inside so excited to see you.”

I’ve been missing you -
So much if physically hurts.
I’ve been thinking of you -
So much I’m sometimes convinced others can hear my thoughts.
I’ve been loving you -
And I can’t figure out how to stop.

You reminded me I haven’t found what I’ve always wanted...yet.

You just have to jump! They said.
But I never wanted to free fall-
Until I saw you in the waters below.

At the end of the day I have no regrets.
I was the best version of myself in this relationship.
I gave everything I could.
I didn’t put up masks or walls or conceal the way I was feeling.
I gave it everything.
And I can’t make him love me if he doesn’t.
At the end of the day it doesn’t matter why he doesn’t love me.
Or that he can’t love me because of trauma or mental health.
He just can’t love me.
And I am worthy of love.

Part of me hopes I’ll get married and have kids just because of the reality that regardless of how successful I am, I will be deemed a lonely failure by many if I don’t have a family.

Part of me hopes I’ll never have a family so I can change that stereotype.

Something remarkable happens when for a brief moment you forget that it is very possible to fail. - When a moment of brave prideful courage overcomes you and you feel like you can consume the world. You take it personally, like a mantra bubbling up from your being, "I can fix it! I can fix it!!" But so many times when we get to the problem our courage is replaced with doubt; the mantra sinking into the crevices of where it hidden again. Within us. Waiting to be birthed. Waiting to fix, something.

They say time moves differently for everyone.
I know mine slows down when I am counting down the days to see you.
I think I’ve found the easiest way to extend my life.
Have a date with you, always 30 days away.

I just want to be your one and only.
The first one you call when you get lonely.

I got angry at you today.
But I don’t think it’s my fault that I want to be exactly where you are all the time.
After all, you made me this way.

I think you were the love that gave me words.

But never bothered to teach me the language.

I am not damaged.
I am loved and lovable.
I will continue to open myself to love.
Radiate it.
Seek it out.
Call it out.
I will be the love I am searching for.

I will be the man most men will never be.

A friend of mine, who spoke English as her second language-
Responded to a girl we knew obsessing over her boyfriend, Bobby.
She lost him at a party and was freaking out and kept calling him, worried he was with another woman.
My friend finally pulled her aside and said,
“There are many Bobbys.”
“The world is FILLED with Bobbys.”

10 years later and I’m realizing how true that is.
There are people you think you can’t live without, but you can. So easily.
There are so many people you can have chemistry and deep emotional connect with.
But you forget that, when you’re getting it consistently from one person.
You think you’ll never find it again.
But it reality, the world is filled with Bobbys.

My brain is wasting all of its time on these **** men.
Not worth it’s time or processing power.
I should be using it to build my empire.
I’m never happy after thinking about love interests.
At best, I’m left with an anxious longing.
So why do I put myself in that loop?
I am the happiest, and feel the most alive when I am creating.
Creating new, powerful things.
Growing.
Why do I let myself get distracted by the things that don’t bring me joy.
It’s time for some mental spring cleaning.

I used to think the feeling of magic could only be found in another person.
The rush you get when two souls connect and the world spins slower and everything feels better.
But I’ve started feeling it lately without people.
I’ve started feeling it alone- looking at my life, my plans, my future, without the fantasy of a partner.
Maybe I just didn’t allow myself to see it before.
I had to always project it on someone else.
But it was always here.
Maybe it’s me.

And at the end of all of that heartbreak.
All of the dinners you couldn’t eat.
The bottles you drowned yourself in.
The tears you left on every fabric you touched.
You’ll realize -
He was nothing special.
But the way you loved him was.

I’m anxious.
It’s a general type that scares me.

Although it’s not general.

I rarely open this website if it doesn’t involve love.
It’s become my little secret outlet.
The true feelings come out here before I can write them in a diary.
The gut instincts appear in anxiety sentences in this box before I believe them.
So I guess what I’m really trying to ask right now -
Is this enough?
Will it ever be enough?

Him: "I don't understand why you're refusing to meet me. Let's just talk."

"Because in the months I've been away from you I've learned to honor one thing more than anything else."

Him: "What's that?"

"My sanity. And I lose mine when I'm with you."

All along i've had this slight mental image. This slight mental distortion in my mind. The image that I was missing something not living on the fence, or completely on the other side. I had this image that there was something appealing, about living only for yourself. To live a life of me me me, and to not care about Thee. But i've finally found what I could never see before. It's not everything it seems, the world and it's shallow dreams. All of the things that I thought would bring pleasure is a graceful illusion. That traps people in the same spot, but yet still no conclusion. The exact same spot. Compromise. Living so much less of a life than what their called to. Never fully fulfilling their destiny.

There is no trace of you.
All belongings mailed back.
Not even a rogue sock to show you were here.
No social media post or our love that I can look at and think of when we were happy and debate on deleting.
It’s like you were never here.
Your key no longer on my ring.
Your name not on my tongue.
And yet, I wreak of you.

My first takeaway from my trip was that I love Greg and I should tell him.

But is that the right thing to do?

I keep having this vision of him making ***** jokes in the kitchen while cooking and I blurt it out and he gets wide eyed & overwhelmed with the weight of me finally vocalizing what I think we’ve both known for a while.

Am I too much for him? Would I be a burden? Would I keep him from blossoming into the most free and interesting version of himself?

Am I not enough? Do I not want and care about enough of the things he does? Does it matter that I don’t have a strong conviction to compost and fight for the environment like him?

Is me saying, the thing we know and I am pretty sure both feel going to just mess up the whole beautiful dance we’ve been doing the past 2+ years?

Should I take my own advice in my old Greg poem of just seeing where it goes, letting it leave easy if it does instead of fighting for us?

Or is he consciously or subconsciously waiting for me to express my feelings because if he did it, if he were to match me, He would have a lot more on the line than me. Relocating to a new city, changing his plans, making new friends. And I am already here. Grounded with the inability to move for a few years.

Will he be willing to take the leap?
Is it possible that us together could be just as wonderful as I imagine?
Growing together and encouraging each others individual growth.

Relationships and commitments have always made me feel like I’m giving up something.
That I would go from all of these possibilities of me to this limited, reduced version with a more fixed future and outcome.
But with him, I feel like I am expanding.

And I know we won't be forever and we might not even be for long. And maybe you're not the one but your one. And maybe we don't match but neither do my socks or the plates in the kitchen. And maybe the end will be messy but so is my car and life. So why shouldn't we just enjoy it along the way?

Today I will not let the past, whether it be yesterday, a month or year ago define my day.

I will press on knowing this day would be wasted if I spend it in the past instead of the present.

I put to lie all of my losses in the grave and press on to the future.

I will remember and not take for granted, not everyone woke up this morning, but I have.

I am privileged with another day and I will honor that responsibility.

I will press forward.
I will do this because of the light in me.
I will do this for myself.
I will do this in honor of those who did not wake.
I will cherish every alive moment today.
I will honor the gift that is life with my best self.

I got a new boy.
He makes me dance to the radio a little more.
I got a new boy.
I’ve started day dreaming a little more.
I got a new boy.
He holds me and says, kiss me a little more.
I got a new boy.
The question is always, will it be forever?

He told me he had this insecure moment.
Where with everyone else he had gone out with if he thought about the idea of getting serious he believed he’d enhance their life, make it better.

And with me, it was the first time he felt like I would be better off without him. That I could find someone better than him.

I told him he shouldn’t discount himself like that.

He said -

“You don’t understand - you have seen the best of me tonight. I don’t think I’ve seen the best of you.”

But I think he’s wrong.
I don’t think I’ve seen the best in him.

We kissed to ring in the new year.
You are one of the nicest people I’ve ever met.
You brought me breakfast in bed.
I’m scared that you don’t mean the things you say.
I’m not sure if it’s my intuition talking or self-preservation because if I believed what you said.
God if 50% of it was real.
I’d be in way too deep.

I saw you in LA.
You were just as lovely as I remember.
Our week together wasn’t a lucid dream.

You brought flowers to dinner for me and Cait.
You paid for dinner.
You cuddled me through the night.

I don’t understand how you can be this nice.
What’s the catch?

You came up to Tahoe for the weekend.
I’m not sure I’ve ever met someone as nice and thoughtful as you.
I’ve never felt so cared for.
It made me feel overwhelmed.
Uncomfortable even.
How cared for I felt.
It made me want to push away.

Everything I want.
But I’m squirming in your affection.

I realize I wouldn’t squirm if you pulled away.
If you back burnered me.
If you acted like you didn’t care.

I would instead run towards you.
Trying to be wanted.
To win your affection.

I won and I don’t know how to accept it.
I don’t know how to hold you.
To accept the love I keep trying to earn.

Every time my phone buzzes.
I hope it’s you.

Is there a world where you and I exist together?
It feels like there must be.
Somewhere in the dimensions of reality similar to this one.
In some, I stay in movies.
In some I never leave home.
In one, I’m married to Jason and we raise 7 kids in a Baptist church.
In another I’m an equine vet.
Another, a professional golfer.
And in another -  I am with you in two lawn chairs by a lake, cooking dinner over an open flame as we watch the sun go down & I kiss you good night.

Just not in this one.

One day.
You will be able to look back at the person you lost.
And their life.
And honestly think to yourself.
And know it to be true.

"I am glad I am not there."

It might even shock you.
You see a happy moment in their life and you look at it.
Without any envy
or loss
and think.

"Wow. I am glad i'm not there."

For me.
That day was today.

If there’s one ******* thing in this world I never want to stop seeing. It’s your smile, your real smile, when you look at me.

You are goddesses.
You are powerful.
You have the power to create life.
You have the power to not.
You are fierce.
You are resilient.
You are smart.
You are beautiful.
You are a force of nature.

We are a tribe of humans that have be suppressed for generations.

Let us rise up together.

Admire fellow women without questioning your own attributes.

Encourage one another instead of compete like society tries to force.

Fight against the judgement.
Fight for the love.

LET US RISE. TOGETHER.

I remember your laugh and all the good times we shared. I remember when we were a big part of each others lives. How I could depend on you, I was sure of you. And as I now see your life through pictures and captured moments that I'm not a part of I can't help think to myself, why did I ever think I didn't want to be a part of it? Why did I make you optional?

This pain is different.
It’s visceral.
I’m hurting in parts of me I didn’t know could feel pain.
I can’t eat.
When I sleep I dream of him.
I keep telling myself every logical thought.
But it doesn’t keep me from feeling this ****.

We talked on the phone for 6 hours.

You said you always felt safe with me. I admitted I hadn’t found the level of openness or comfort I had with you with anyone else. You admitted the same.

We talked on the phone for 6 hours.

You said that you had been more comfortable and vulnerable with me than any other person besides your childhood best friend.

We talked on the phone for 6 hours.

I admitted I hadn’t been able to match our chemistry with anyone. You admitted the same and said you still often thought of me for inspiration.

We talked on the phone for 6 hours.

I thought I was the one that hadn’t moved on but you were standing still with me.

We talked on the phone for 6 hours.
I normally hate talking on the phone.

I just watched this movie past lives.

It’s about how childhood sweethearts reconnect in their 20s virtually and then again in person in their 30s when she is married.

It’s the what if movie - what would have happened if she hadn’t left Korea, if things would have been different, would they have ended up together. But they didn’t and she’s married now to someone else and lives in the East Village.

It’s not a movie of lust or affair. She doesn’t do anything wrong. They don’t cross the line.

At the end, he’s getting in the taxi for what they know will be the last time they see each other. And he asks what they will be to each other in their next lives. She says, I don’t know, he agrees and then says “See you there.”

It’s gut wrenching and heart breaking and I feel like that could be me with you if we don’t do this. I don’t want you to be a what if.

Birds of a feather flock together. It's what the saying reads. But a lot of times I feel like I have no one of my feather to flock with, I am just a pelican alone at sea.

Usually, when I drive by really large homes my first thought is:
“Wow -what do they do for a living.”
My second thought usually is:
“What their net worth.”

Yesterday, I spotted an absolutely giant home and my first thought was:
“I wonder if they’re happy.”
My second was:
“I wonder if they love their partner like I love mine.

I caught myself after about 30 seconds.
Was I really thinking about this old super rich couple’s happiness?
I surprised myself.
Then I realized.
“Ah- that’s the lesson.”

I thought a wedding board was dumb before you.
Friends pinned for a wedding with an unknown man.
Now I find myself glancing at wedding pictures.
“An elopement in Italy sounds nice”
Popped into my head.

If I’m going mad.
Don’t take me out of the rabbit hole.
I like it here.

The little cove on Sifnos we hiked to and swam for hours.
The back lot filled with pine trees we rode horses on as kids.
The field of blackberries we’d get splinters in picking enough for a homemade cake.
The nook of your arm, my head on your chest and your hand on my back, as we drift off for a Sunday afternoon nap.

It’s a shame you’ll never see these poems like I planned.
It’s a shame the deep love I had for you went to waste.
It’s a shame I never got to present my PowerPoint about how all of my fears and yours didn’t matter if we had each other.

But I hope one day you find someone else who loves you enough to put her feelings in a .pptx file for you.
I hope one day I find someone who loves me enough to want to make one in return.