I got to the point where I didn’t have enough self-respect to get out of it for myself.
But I did it for my daughter.
Let me explain.
I loved a guy. More than I’ve ever loved anyone. And I’m not sure if it’s one of those loves that can be replicated.
But like most crazy loves we were toxic and our highs were in the clouds and our lows were in hell.
We did things.
We both did things.
That were not ok.
After we ended it.
He ****-shamed me.
He called me easy.
A notch on a belt.
It was awful.
It was cruel.
It was All said in anger.
After time went on we reconciled. He apologized for what he said. He tried to make amends. He’d call me and say things to **** me back into this chaos of us.
I wanted to go back.
I still want to go back sometimes so ******* bad that it eats at my soul.
But I don’t.
And I don’t do it because of my fierce self-love. I wish I could say I do.
I wish I dig my heels in and look into the mirror and give myself a fierce talk and I’m good.
But sometimes that’s not enough.
When it’s not.
I do it for my daughter.
Because I will not allow her to have a father who has ****-shamed her mom.
I will not allow her to have a sexist father, who thought less of a woman because of the number of people she chose to have *** with.
I will not sit on her bedside when she’s crying over a boy and tell her she deserves to be treated better when I know I chose I did not.
I will not be the coward that tells her to be strong while gritting my teeth to suppress the memories of abuse I have endured.
I will sit on her bedside.
Look her dead in the eye and tell her, honestly.
I have been there before.
I’m better for it.
I decided to raise the bar for all women when I took a stand for what was unacceptable and she can and should continue to raise that bar.
In that moment. It will be worth it.
Here's to all the women who have been **** shamed.
Here's to all the women who have been told that somehow a ***** changes who you are.
Here's to all the women who have been called easy, a notch on a belt.
Here's to all of the women who have been told their value is held in their virginity.
Here's to all of the women who said back:
WHAT THE **** are you talking about?
Then rose up and proceeded to slay in every area of life.
Him: "I don't understand why you're refusing to meet me. Let's just talk."
"Because in the months I've been away from you I've learned to honor one thing more than anything else."
Him: "What's that?"
"My sanity. And I lose mine when I'm with you."
You are goddesses.
You are powerful.
You have the power to create life.
You have the power to not.
You are fierce.
You are resilient.
You are smart.
You are beautiful.
You are a force of nature.
We are a tribe of humans that have be suppressed for generations.
Let us rise up together.
Admire fellow women without questioning your own attributes.
Encourage one another instead of compete like society tries to force.
Fight against the judgement.
Fight for the love.
LET US RISE. TOGETHER.
One of my favorite quotes is from an old guru.
"God dwells in you, as you."
God dwells in you as yourself.
Exactly the way you are.
We are earthly bodies. Constricted by time, flesh and resources.
But, there is something we can do that heavenly bodies cannot.
We can feel the Earth. Put our hands in the dirt. Hug each other.
God works through our hands to feel the Earth.
Be kind to it and all of its creatures.
Time is everything we have and don't.
I will choose to live the time I have in a place I want to be.
You will be able to look back at the person you lost.
And their life.
And honestly think to yourself.
And know it to be true.
"I am glad I am not there."
It might even shock you.
You see a happy moment in their life and you look at it.
Without any envy
"Wow. I am glad i'm not there."
That day was today.