Look at you,
All happy.
The reason?
Easy,
Not me.

As much as I enjoy
Your smile
I see I can't make it
Nor be the reason
For it's appearance.

I'll stop forcing it,
Once all I saw was smiles.
Now I only see a blank stare,
As if I drain all happiness,
From you?
No let's not think that
But
It's what my mind says,
Could it be true.

The once look of
Happiness
Joy
Smiles
The warm feeling of
Spring and Summer

Now the feeling of
Uncomfortability
Discontent
Nothing
The cold feeling of
Winter

Well where is
Autumn
That's the feeling I want
The one I seek
The one that seems
It will never
Manifest

Why do I do this?
These thoughts,
In my head,
Scream cursed words of
Disappointment,
Unfulfillment,
Sorrow,
Hope.

How am I to ignore
The words that
These thoughts are telling me?

You can't make someone happy...
No one can fall for you...
You're just a middle man...
Easily forgettable...
A placeholder...
Uninteresting,
Little to no importance,
With no room to grow...
They're better off without you...
Be honest, who would?

All the smiles I wish to have,
Feels like it's unattainable,
Something only for a wish,
The luckiest thing for,
The unluckiest person.

Who am I kidding?
I already know,
These thoughts are louder.
Drowning out my thoughts of
Sanity,
Happiness,
Love.

I wish I could see you,
You think I'm joking but,
I wish I was...
So now I have to wonder,
What is it
That I miss?

You're beautiful,
That puts me on my toes,
You want my attention,
Personally I like a little chase.

You say you like my niceness,
My generosity,
Yet everyone equally receives it.

A stranger simply,
I lack mental knowledge,
I wish to know the inside,
To be curious.

What is my life?
A rollercoaster of ups and downs,
A climb up a hill,
Only for gravity to pull me down,
Why does it feel this way?

Does the universe hate me?
Whenever I get happy,
I mean consistently happy,
Why does something crumble?
Starts as a small break,
Sometimes,
Others are a siege upon my world,
A battle I'm unprepared for.

Then tell me,
Tell me what to do,
I wish to be happy,
I wish to smile,
Without fear of sadness.
How much more payback,
Do you require?

May I ask one thing then?
There is something,
Or someone,
I wish to find a piece of happiness,
With them.
May I have that as,
An untainted happiness,
My constant smile,
The only rollercoaster,
That never falls.