I wonder if I suppress my positivity
And subdue my better nature,
For it is my penance,
My cross to bear,
My guilt exposed,
For sins laid bare

They say you can’t teach an old dog new tricks,
I’m beginning to agree,
Entrenched in my negative thoughts
And destructive patterns of behaviour,
I seem unable to change...

Rather than grabbing the proffered hand of help
To climb out of the deep dark hole
I have dug for myself,
Why oh why
Am I so determined
To drag him in with me instead?

It doesn’t matter how many times people say you did your best,
They never truly know the truth of the situation.
Only you know just how much you weren’t there for mum
In her hours of need.

Dementia is a cruel fate,
And even crueler when living with a narcissist
Who deliberately causes a rift in the family.
Does the guilt ever go away
For those left behind?

I miss
The tenderness
The soft tone
The passing touch
The squeeze of an arm
The gentle caress
The post-****** hug
The explanation of how things are

Now it feels
Remote
Distant
Disconnected
Two foreign ships passing in the night
Noticing the other’s faded glow
But ne’er again the Twain shall meet

How can it not be thus
When you treat him how you do
Flying off the handle at the drop of a hat
Shouting and screaming
Pushing him away
Both on tenterhooks
Treading on eggshells
Waiting for the other to blow

You can never change another
Only yourself
Focus on how you want to be
Take care of yourself
Eat well, Eat little, Eat often
Offer him those little touches you crave so much
Be gentle
Be kind
Both to him, And yourself

I miss
The tenderness
The soft tone
The passing touch
The squeeze of an arm
The gentle caress
The post-****** hug
The explanation of how things are

Now it feels
Remote
Distant
Disconnected
Two ships passing in the night
In the eye of the storm
Noticing each other’s faded glow,
But ne’er again the Twain shall meet

Lost in the tangled thoughts of
Seductive voices
Calling “Come hither,
We’ll help you escape from the pain and torment”.
In those last moments
Remembering not those who care,
Unable to reach out to grasp what surely would be
A proffered hand of help,
A staff of support,
A pillar to lean on,
If only they had known
The oppressive pull of the deep dark abyss
Enveloping all around,
And ******* you dry.

The cavernous pain and loss,
Excruciating guilt,
Unanswered questions,
Swirling confusion
Of those left behind,
A mother burying her favoured son,
A best friend losing his confidant,
A world shining less bright
With the loss of potential of what might have been.