i sink into stability 
trying to push away the idea
that despite myself
i may float to the surface
finding i am no longer immersed
the chaos and uncertainty
a landscape i can't escape
wet drops of peace sliding off my skin
evaporating into my surroundings
as if they had never been

The brownish Yukon April first
passing bisons and buffalos herd
slowing down to quench their thirst
and  moving on on April third .
walking clouds are mountain sheep
the sheep are fluffy as clouds of June
 you see the mountain stabbing so deep
the sky and sheep crowding the moon
The moon of Alaska is the biggest moon

Rain drops feeding leaves
Deserts growing cold at night
Spiders spinning homes

I owe all my life
to the light from my window
don't tell the wind though
air is quite necessary
but the sun is essential

1am, your floppy hair, freshmen on the dorm floor
debating theology as if we knew what it was
and i saw your mind, but i also saw something more

and i saw you all over
in colorful flowers, sunny days, old churches
i heard your voice
while watching anime or listening to tales of ole'
and sometimes even when i sat alone

your endless search for perfection intimidated me 
building up a dream of a woman
i'm not sure either of us will ever meet
and i wasn't her
i knew i never would be

but i remained in your orbit nonetheless
desperately compartmentalizing my heart from my head
as if friendship was enough
as if i wasn't in love

and i wrote about you anyway
as if our story could end happily
rain boots dancing in a puddle
a jubilee of you and me

when i finally said the words to you
i made them so much smaller
"i have feelings"
the confession of a coward

and as you answered my exclamation with a question mark
i retreated
maybe friendship is enough
maybe i'm not in love 

you wanted to know you meant something
but i kept my breaking heart to myself
trying to salvage what we were
hoping my declaration hadn't destroyed it 

but i was destroyed
and i had been so good at hiding it all away
that i still sometimes find another broken piece
the remnants of rejection
the love i can't quite extinguish