I'm sorry for all this
For the way I left
Abandoning you
At the worst time
I left you...
Without hesitance
The way I left ...
It just wasn't right

I left for a fresh start
I hoped I could still see and hear you
But my hopes came crashing down today
And I'm left in my broken shell

So this is our "family" now...
Broken and falling apart,
All because I was selfish...
I'd rather abandon you
For my selfish desire
Than suffer for you
So you could still see the good in "family"

And for some reason,
I can't help but wonder...
What if I didn't do anything?
And I kept my mouth shut?
Would our "family" have gotten
Better...
Worse...
Would there be more damage?
Mental or physical or verbal?

I shouldn't have done this
But here I sit
Questioning my decisions
Wondering if I changed anything?
Did I made your lives a living nightmare?
Drugs and abuse...
Alcohol and arguments...
Did I do it?

Dear little sister I'm sorry,
I probably shattered your heart...
You were so innocent and I broke that...
You watched me leave you...
Not looking back as you were ripped from my arms
By "mother" as he looked on
Still yelling with each other as we cry in each others arms
I'm mumbling so many apologizes

Dear little brother I'm sorry,
You have to be unhappy now...
You have to take on my role as protector...
I never wanted this for you...
You weren't supposed to become me...
Broken and afraid of what happens next...
You may still be mentally together but you're afraid...
Of what will happen to you and *****...
You probably are wondering where I am?
I wish I could tell you...
It breaks me to think of you anything like me

Dear both of you,
God I'm so **** sorry for this!
I'm sorry for everything to come,
Past, Present, and Future
Both of you deserve better

Darling Brother and Innocent Sister,
I'm Sorry For My Happiness
As It Has Caused You Pain
Stay innocent and don't ever leave each other behind.
Don't do what I did...
Even for happiness...
Don't leave each other...
I hope that one day,
You Can Forgive Me

Sincerely,
Your Big Sister Who Is Regretting Everyday Without You

a diamond in the rough -
I took a chance
ruby stained lips -
my hearts second glance

we painted the town as if
red was the colour of timidity
our shadows forever glowed
with a blue halo

but now we're older
past thirty, at least
and we're tired of chasing stars
being chased out of bars

"let's settle down"
you say
and I can imagine it
wild hearts - tamed by age and exhaustion
free spirits - locked in by doors and windows

but I've found my diamond
and will wear it on my heart
into old age and mundanity

wrinkled hands clinging tightly to each other
hot mugs of tea and newspapers on a Sundays
our last breath, shared

what if I'd been born
twenty years before you
and missed you

soooo...
as much fun as it is
to break myself over and over again
I'll get extra critical
of the boy I want
making him no longer desirable
just about as much so as I am to him
soon I won't notice him
and I'll be able to ignore the texts
I'll make him so unworthy of everything that is me
and my chaotic being
sorry
I don't mean to
this is just my mind doing a poor job protecting me