The heartbeats dead,
It's long and gone
and yet I run my
fingers over my flattened stomach.

There used to be a beat
that I didn't feel before
but I feel lost without it now.

I lost you and I lost it
and I just want to stop
losing people.

I wonder if it would
have been a boy or a girl.

I can imagine a little girl
in my arms, with dark brown
hair and chocolate brown eyes.

Hopefully she would've gotten
your hair and smile.

Or a boy, squirming in my
arms and giggling with glee.

I know it's for the best that
I lost it.

I mean imagine us being parents.
It would've been hell, you couldn't
even handle a relationship,
how would you have handled a baby?
A family?

So it was good that I lost it
and just maybe it was good
that I lost you.

All you have ever done was hurt me.

Or maybe it wasn't, because
without you I feel ruined.

I still haven't told you,
for the sheer fact of what do
I say?

We haven't talked in awhile
and if it was brought up now
you may just think I'm saying it
to get you close to me.

When in fact, you sicken me,
with you perfect laugh and
perfect smile.

With your personality,
it would've been a heart breaker.

You deserve to know,
but if I tell you it's real.
All of this will be real.

All of it is real, my life with
you will be gone and I may have
lost the only child we may ever know.

Our child is gone, because
I wasn't strong enough to
carry it.

Just like i wasn't strong enough
to lose you.

I run my hand over my flattened
stomach. Again I feel nothing
no heart beat.

I don't want to tell you because
if you looked at me with pity,
I think I would die.

I don't need your pity.
All you ever did was lie
and it's because of you that
we lost it, if you had been
more careful, there would've
never been an it in the first place.

I brought this on myself
loving you was a mistake,
just like believing you loved me
was a mistake too.

You were never mine in the
first place, just like it was never
mine.

I place my hand over my flattened
stomach waiting for a beat that will
never come.

"It's dead," I whisper not looking at you.
"There's nothing there." I look at my
feet and revel in the silence.

I didn't know what it was and yet it
was apart of us, of you and me and
if you don't care fine. At least I told
at least I tried.

The heartbeats dead, it's long and gone
and yet I run my fingers over my
flattened stomach, hoping you'll
envelope me in a hug and help me
forget for just a second.

Sitting with the rich kids. Watching as they smoke their cigarettes, you notice their dead smiles. When I first saw how they lived, noticed how much freedom they had which I craved. I thought of them as blessed. But after they lit cigarette after cigarette I noticed their smiles.
Sadness can not be easily covered up and as another cigarette bud was flicked into the freshly cut grass by a rich kid, I looked up at him. Smiles can only be real or fake and when you plaster fake smiles on all the time you begin to point them out in crowds. These smiles were plastered on all of the rich kids faces.
Another cigarette flicked into the grass and another and another. The world is flooded in cigarette buds, and now I can see what having their life must be like.
Lonely.
They are just like us, except they have the money to destroy themselves. They have the money to **** themselves, they can smoke cigarettes or drink until there's nothing.
Watching them laugh and knowing that they are just like us, I felt bad for them. If the rich kids aren't even happy then who is? If the rich kids are trying to destroy themselves, then who wishes they were still breathing? We are all the same, ****** up in the brain and dancing in deaths door frame.
Sitting next to the rich kids, I took a cigarette from one of them. I let him light it as his eyes focused on me. If we are all the same, why not be destroyed together?

Somewhere through the night you stopped loving me. I wish I could change that last moment with you, I wish I could've said I love you more and held you closer to me. Took in the smell of your skin. Ran my fingertips across your every inch. You said you loved me that night but something went wrong because your feelings left just like that. Suddenly you were gone and I was left to pick up the pieces of my own shattered heart. I was left to miss the smell of your skin and the feel of your fingertips tracing my sides, I was left to wonder if you really ever loved me. Because how could you just end it so abruptly, if you did? I've been reliving my memories trying to figure out where I went wrong. But I don't know if I'll ever figure it out. All that matters is your gone and I'm left behind, only a memory that you choose to ignore. My love, I would die for you every day if I could. If in three years you walked back into my life I would welcome you back with open arms. My love for you has become infinite, I wish I could scrawl your name in the stars. I wish I could write your words all over my skin. I wish you didn't leave me, I wish you had stayed. You left a ghost in the place that I used to be. All I have left is the desire to haunt places that used to be ours, if you ever come back you'll know where to find me.