I remeber when I was so intoxicated
I stumbled around until I dropped
And when I hit, I hit pretty hard
Now I'm sober once again, and
Well I'll admit I miss being dizzy

Doctor run a complete blood test
Something isn't right
Or is it all normal to be in pain?

Do not call me "smartie"
Do not call me "sweetie"
Do not call me "honey"
Unless you are being sweet
Otherwise I'm not your
Smartie, sweetie, or honey

You shouldn't fall in love with me
Because in the beginning,
I'll be swaying back and forth
Won't be sure if the leap is worth it
And you'll be mad, that I'm wavering
You shouldn't fall in love with me
I'll want to go really really slow,
Like a turtles pace slow
And then I'll want to speed the hell up
And then go really really slow
And then, if for some reason,
You're still sticking around,
Then I'll become fully comfortable
Most likely

Lately it's been harder to look people
in the eye
As if I'm trying to hide something

I'm letting myself go
I eat like I am starving
I push the gym off to "study"
Hip bones being enveloped
By this self hatred
Spilling over my pants
I curse and scream
But the next minute I'm swallowing

Don't tread carefully
You'll hear the glass cracking
Run! let it all shatter

Now I'm draining, oozing in it all
Soaking up the unsatisfaction
Of *not knowing

She drew and she drew
Until she looked at all the pictures
And they all were versions of you

Falling backwards
Into the red forest below

You look in the mirror
Try to force a smile and pose
Then end up burying your face
In your sweaty palms and
Forcing the pain back,
Walk out, and pick out something else

I'm not immune to throwing shade

I don't want my parents
Ruining anything anymore
From now on
Everything is a secret

And just like that, I dropped it
And just like that, its faded

With the last two poems being about my parents
I guess you could say I'm running into some issues

The thing is, I coud survive without all of you
However, I would have never lived without each of you

What have we’ve done to the world
Look what we've done
What about all the peace
That you pledge your only son...
What about flowering fields
Is there a time
What about all the dreams
That you said was yours and mine...
Did you ever stop to notice
All the children dead from war
Did you ever stop to notice
This crying Earth, this weeping shore

We cast away our emotional bursts
We become so needy at night
And turn it away like a side effect
But what if the depth of solitary
Causes this true want to come out?

Funny how we cross the line between emotions so often
Funny how one simple thing can turn a beautiful day
Full of dangerous lightning strikes directed at you
Maybe the bolts come from other people, things
Or maybe the lightning  is coming from the
Dark clouds, thoughts  suddenly looming in your mind

What's the point in trying anymore
Wasn't it better when I was emotionless

I've seen things that cannot be deleted
My mind replays them when Im too relaxed
So I'm always on edge and secretly jittery
You made me promise not to tell
And told me I was strong
Now there's something I cannot get over
And that is that you were *wrong

Today I woke up happy
Which hasn't happened in a while
It's been a pretty long time
Since the world has seen my smile

You're expectations are too high
And I'm tearing myself up about it

"Where does it hurt?"
Everywhere
"Specifically?"
I guess right here
"Your heart?"
Yeah
"That's not a good sign"
"How long has it hurt"
A while I guess
"When is it worse?"
At night and sometimes day
"This could be serious"
"We will take you up for a scan"
Doctor?
"Yes?"
*Please make it go away

She goes from skipping down the streets,
Smile as big as her unreasonable new dreams
To running her cold fingers along the edge,
Thick extension cord
Adorns her neck like a string of pearls

I don't like eye contact
I will not hold it,
Except for special occasions
But my eyes prefer to look
At ones lips when the talk
Then dart around
Sketching a mental picture
Of the surroundings
Like if I become too enveloped
In the person talking
They will see through my pupils
And into my mind

I only wonder do you feel it when our eyes lock?

Your smile doesn't lie
But your eyes do

I should have known it all along
But now I see what was going on
Let me tell you how low and vile
How corrupted and ******* up
But you won't change will you?
You see no harm in what you did
But it's become apparent to me
Exactly what you want

It's all faded away
Only the memories bring back the magic

When someone uses this word
It seems very funny  
But it's not funny.
Because this word is
Trying to define you
In one single derogatory
Word.
It's trying to wrap up
All of you're feelings
All of this hesitant love
And cram them into
One
Judgmental
**Word.

My faith in humanity is at a low that's all
People out there getting stuck with people like him
Who wants to spend their life in chains?

All day, feeling like ****
Is he ever going to quit,
Faking a laugh
Faking a smile,
For me to be happy?
It might take awhile

So many poems about the what if
But I wasn't prepared for the reality
That my family could fall apart all together

Thanks for reminding dad
I REALLY DO GET IT NOW
IM ALREADY SUFFERING
BECAUSE IM LONLEY
AND NOW WE ARE BACK
ON THIS

I'm afraid that I'm easily replaceable

It washed over me like a giant wave,
Engulfing me, and choking me,
And forcing me to open my eyes

I don't know whether to say I don't feel like myself
Or if I should accept this is as my new self

I'm just confused,
Because it's not right,
Or maybe it's just me
But, I'm lost, and sad
I'm torn, and troubled
And I'm really good
And making it look
Like I'm not

This time only three people mumbled the prayer as quietly as they could
Everyone else fell silent

I was sitting at the top of the Ferris wheel
Alone in gondola, swaying at the top
The lights flickered below, and a breeze blew
And I hit an all time low,
When I reached for a hand, any hand
But there was not one there

The walls that were closing in
Have been smashed through
Now all I can see is the opening,
And it's time to get up and walk
Into the vast field of possibilities

And throughout this time alone
As I watched Chronicles of Narnia
And blasted the weirdest music
I realized I was just filling in the silence
How much more wonderful
Would it be to have someone else
To fill it in for me?

I used to like fishing
It was such a joy to catch a fish
And boy were they good to eat
Fried fish fresh caught
Right outta our bayou!
But today... I got a different look
Today a baby swallowed my hook
The metal device stuck inside
I saw te terror in his eyes
Twitching awfully, worm still attached
Flicking it's fin's, trying to breathe
The gills forced painfully open
Trying to breathe even if it meant
Forcing the hook deeper into an *****
Body occasionally spasming,
While I frantically look for pliars
Pliars to work out the hook
But of course I couldn't find any
I squeezed two finger nails
Into it's dime shaped throat
And pulled on the hook
I couldn't wiggle it out.
So I did the only thing left
I cut the line
It had been 5 minutes
I knew it was too late
The baby fish was limp now,
I still slid him into the water
He floated on his side to the surface
His gills twitched open,
Trying desperately to breathe
Soon the small gill twitches got sparse
And the baby's eyes turned foggy
I sat there, helpless, as I knew
I just took a life away from this world
It was ****** in my eyes,
And all the torture the baby endured
The pain, only to get a slim snack
The deaths for most of the fish,
Are too slow and tortuous..
I do not fish anymore...

All my life, all I have ever wanted to do was fix people

When you try your best, but you don't succeed
When you get what you want, but not what you need
When you feel so tired, but you can't sleep
And the tears come streaming down your face
When you lose something you can't replace
When you love someone, but it goes to waste
And high up above or down below
When you're too in love to let it go
But if you never try you'll never know
Just what you're worth

"Girls are like rocks
You skip the flat ones"
I'm sure whoever made this
Got a lot of laughs
But I promise you
The 'flat' girls...
We're not laughing.

My late Grampi used to say 'flat rock'
In the mountains when one appeared
And flat rocks taught me to be still
And actually take in the mountains
To stop rushing through the hike
And just stop and breathe for a second
In life I want to stop rushing
Let things flow like a lazy river
Find more flat rocks in life to lay on
And help more people lay with me