It's funny how when I learned to tumble in gymnastics,
I never thought it would just be my hands and legs doing flips,
Because now you have my heart doing
them

Four special occasions
Four moments of this
Lasting for days each
Why is it that song
Why is it that person
Why this beautifully
Sickening feeling
Spreading across my
Body and waking me up
Why do these butterflies
Flutter up to my chest
And vaporize to haze
Swirling around my heart
Which would be beating
Fast, if I could feel it
Flutter numbing
Sweet intoxication
But only four special times

I couldn't see you
You were forbidden to see us
But every chance we got
We latched on and cried

Okay. I am going to talk now.
And I'm not gonna be poetic
Rhyme, or make lines or stanzas. I'm just gonna talk. Because this is MY life, and MY opinion and this is a website where I can get out MY feelings. And I shouldn't have to feel like putting up a filter. I don't feel all that special, not standing next to some people. I feel like, like I'm not someone that you'd say "wow I like your outfit" or "wow I like your voice". Because guess what. I wear lame tee shirts from football games three years ago with jean shorts because I don't have TIME or money to shop for appealing clothes to where I can express myself. I can't make an aesthetic. My parents are always telling me how much of a selfish person I used to be. So I DONT ASK for clothes anymore. If I did, it would be so out of the ordinary, the answer would be a painful no. But this isn't about clothes. It's about Never being noticed. I swear sometimes I am wearing the invisibility cloak from Harry Potter. I know quite a few people with a list TO THEIR KNEES on how many people they KNOW care about them. People they can say for SURE care about them. My list. Well you can't call two or three people a list can you? Maybe it's because I don't have those characteristics that draw people to me. I don't have that "strong presence". I don't. I am Miranda Kramer. A junior who looks more like a freshman. When I talk, people don't turn their head to look. When I speak, I find over and over again people talk over me. So, naturally, I don't talk as much as I used to. Yes, rejection is a fear of mine, and so is being ignored. Being replaceable. And YES I wrote a poem about this before, but I don't think I can stress enough that I don't have that twinkle in my eye. I don't have the cute smile that lights up the world. I can't list a single thing that makes me unique, yet I know I am. I know everyone is. But is it true or not that some people are more unique than others? Imagine a sapling. A cute, small, unique pine sapling. Now picture that sapling sitting at the root of a giant oak tree. No one sees the sapling anymore do they? Well that's how I feel compared to most everyone else. People who feel loved, who KNOW people care about you, I am so happy you have that list. I hope you keep adding to it. I'll sit here. Holding the pencil in my sweaty hand, anxious, because I can't tell if that person cares about me. Do they? Or am I forgettable? Am I forgettable? Am I? I can't really tell anymore. I can't really tell anymore

Forgive? Trust me I do
But forget? I try but
It's always on my mind

Even if no one believes me
Forgiveness is the greatest thing we have
How can anyone sit on a throne and condemn others when they also sin every single day.
It's in no ones place to judge.
But we are all human, and we all will.
**Just remember it was Christ who hung out with the prostitutes, liars, cheaters, thiefs and heretics.

You constantly shoot me with comments
Word bullets ricocheting off of me everyday
But then you somehow want me to confide in you?

I saw you today
Inside my drawer
Forgotten,
But not really
I touched you today
Ran my finger
Down you today
But then I threw you away
It'll never be worth it

"Give me your tired, your poor, your huddled masses
Yearning to breath free"
Yet we voted for a man ready to force people *out
We voted for a man who won't let people in
People tired, and poor yearning for the "land of the free"
Let us all remember this country was built on immigration
Founded on immigration
Let us not forget what this country originally stood for

There's a point when the welfare of others begins to take its toll on you
When the wellbeing of someone is more important than yourself

You have to love yourself enough to stop
You have to love yourself enough to say no
You have to love yourself enough to realize
It was hurting you, and the whole time it wasn't okay
You have to love yourself enough to move on

Take a moment to think about how lucky you are

All I know, perhaps the only thing I know
Is who I am. And I've never been more at peace

It's always about white boys
Or ranting about school
To tell you the truth everyone
Seems to have melted into
The same mold, the same
And lost their individuality
I'm wondering if I am too
And it's making me sick

Every time it turned 11:11 I wished to be with you
My last 11:11 wish for you, is that you find someone
Who makes you want to cross the line over and over

I like the idea of friends snuggling
And holding hands all the time
But anything more and I'm asexual
I've always talked about love
And wanted to kiss, and 'stuff'
Who doesn't?
But I realized if I actually picture it
I freak out. I can't do it.
Maybe it's because I haven't found
Someone I am completely and utterly
Invested in, that might be it.
So until then,
I'll make the bestest of friends

As much as I try and laugh
A voice in my head whispers
*They will never like you

I had to convince her
Don't hurt yourself
Far to precious for it
You don't want that
On your skin forever

I don't think people realize that I just want to be held
Because I'm scared and anxious and nervous and stressed
Please please please please hold me.
It seems as though everyone has someone to hold or be held by
It seems as though when people look for someone to give affection to its never me
*They look the other ******* way and I don't think they know how each time I feel even more unlovable then I already felt

As snot and tears flow down my throat
I lay shaking because he's right
Who am I kidding, I'll never be a doctor
And I've known it all along
The only thing I am
is a **** up
And that's the simplest truth there is

It's funny..
The things I think will be fun
Turn out to be okay,
But they all let me down
In some sort of way

It's hard to be real cheerful with my future looking grim
And it's hard to smile brightly with a light that's going dim
Used to know what I was doing, it was everything I had
Now I can barely get excited, even as a senior grad
I just see another episode, but next time even worse
I don't know what is wrong with me, future looking cursed
Each day it's gotten harder to stay focused on my grades
With what seems a haunting ending that is already pre-made
I tend to be impulsive and aggressively react
There's no way I like my future, but there is no turning back

I look and you look away
Accidentally we lock eyes
Stop staring, what will they say?
This is a secret, keep it in
We have to stay quiet,
Never tell of our sin
When we look can they see
The love between you and me
If they did we would run away
This is the price for being gay

Heart racing
Eyes searching
Yours
Palms sweat
Legs weak
Faith testing
Yours

Gifted people are everywhere
She, well have you seen how smart?
How about her beautiful paintings
Those two can sing amazingly
The way she tye dyes? That's talent
How about that guitar she plays
She could make any shot on the court
Her kind words have to be a gift
And then there's that one
She can't sing, shoot, paint, play,
All she can do is dribble a ball, averagely

You're telling me to give up my dream
Because of what? Pride? Money? Cost?
Or is it because you think I can't do it.

Lust is taking
Love is *giving

What was caging me in
A glass box, walls closing
Remains only shattered
Pieces on the floor

"When I was a kid, I would get these headaches, and I went to the doctor, and they said that I needed glasses. I get the glasses, and I put them on, and I'm in the car on the way home, and suddenly I yell. Because the big green blobs that I had been staring at my whole life, they weren't big green blobs. They were leaves on trees. And I didn’t even know I was missing the leaves. I didn't even know that leaves existed, and then...leaves! You, you are my glasses. You showed me something I didn't know existed. You are my glasses."

I had a goal, something to get
But now, I see how impossible
It was for me to strive for that
And with that sudden realization
Maybe it's time I get a new one

who knows why i came back to this site
maybe its because my source of communication sits dead in the muddy waters in that cold lake
and without a soul to talk to, i write myself:
Dear Me:
i know you're trying, so don't worry about that. i know you are a happy person and you just long every ******* day to let go of this sadness that creeps in at the worst of times. i know you don't like having to always be fidgeting, how you always bounce you're feet during church or class.  i know you love God, and i know you are trying. Dear, just be still. stop worrying, stop fidgeting, stop remembering. look at what you've accomplished, and smile. you've done so much and you have so much more to give. let it go. and if you can't let it go, and when your strength is gone and your hopes fall low. remember I love you, God loves you, and you were beautifully made. goodnight. xoxo

Going to give up again huh?
Like the last time
And the time before that
And the time before that
I'm numbing up to you
I should be warming up to you
Not numbing
But you've pushed me
Like the many times you have before
But you've metaphorically pushed me
Off the ******* edge
And if I wasn't so ******* numb
Then the pain would simply be
unbearable
So quit, lie, cheat, give up
Fine.
I cannot afford to care

I'm on my knees
only memories
are left for me to hold

Don't know how
but Ill get by
Slowly pull myself together

Theres no escape
So keep me safe
This feels so unreal

Nothing comes easily
Fill this empty space
Nothing is like it seems
Turn my grief to grace

I feel the cold
Loneliness unfold
Like from another world

Come what may
I wont fade away
But I know I might change

Despite my frustration towards my appearance
I am actually quite grateful with everything have
I know I, and others, take it for granted sometimes

I look at you, remember what we had
And wonder how it all went wrong
Then I remember you weren't in love
And when you left you took the piece
Of my heart that I had given to you

Is there a soul out there,
Who doesn't need *** from a girl,
And would be okay with playing
scrabble on our honeymoon

You know Im growing up
With this increasing adulthood
I know my responsiblities

I prayed every night
You guided me and now
At last I see this light

I stuck my finger in the new gunshot hole in the wall
It was still hot, and the gunpowder still lingered in the air
I was still numb, unfeeling, fingers tingling, heart stopped
I can't rightly explain the feeling, but it was weird, uncanny
I remember when I heard the gunshot this morning,
I looked at my mom, and I stood frozen, cold, gone, nothingness
Expressionless, completely numb, listening for a sound
Besides the ringing of the blast in my hollow ear drums

Walking down the hallway
He walks by and my mind races
Look down. No, look up.
Eye contact
Should I smile?
The moment is over
You awkward idiot
Stares at the ceiling
Stop no don't think of that
Finds a distraction
Stop! Stop thinking!
Reaches the door
Okay, big smile on three
Walks outside
"Hey guys what's up!"

I was thousands of feet in the air
Soaring over an ocean
Controlling my entire fate
With a simple motion I determined
What happened
And I've never felt more alive

Happiness should not be a visitor
It should be a permanent guest

everyone writes poetry about problems nowadays
and i get that, because I do it too
I understand how getting it all out in a poem relieves
but, i don't know, i just wish i could see someone
write about happiness. I kinda miss happiness.
Its kind of slowly slipping away,
like dewfall disappearing in the day,
gradually.
Please everyone who is upset, take a moment
Stop. Breathe. You have more than you know.
People love you. People care.
Yes get out your feelings when you need too
But every once and a while...
Can we just smile through the darkness?

I have fantasized about many things
But mostly of the sun, but breezy days
And unheard of crazy music blaring
And smoking and alcoholic happy days
And old cars, with new hang-outs
And all of it happening this year

I want to be happy,
I am sometimes happy
I am happy when I'm outside,
I am happy when I'm watching bobs burgers
I am happy when I am listening to my music
but I haven't been myself lately
I haven't smiled genuinely much
I wear sweatshirts during hot weather,
And feel extremely uncomfortable without one
All the traumatic experiences are coming back
I feel like my parents are treating me different
Even though my dad hasn't,
I feel as if he's teetering on insanity,
but maybe I'm the one teetering
I feel like I'm scraping by in school,
I can't see my future anymore
But I still want to be cheerful and perky?
What's wrong with me?

Being happy
And being a happy person
Are two different things

Everyone has something that haunts them
Some have multiple things
Hovering over like a rain cloud
For me?
It's when I walk by the buildings
And see my reflection in the glass
When I grab my iPad
And quickly turn it on so as not to see
The person looking back
I want to have self confidence
But it's hard when my reflection plagues
My mind with the most unkind words

God, help them
Help those in need,
Today I watched, yet again,
My friend give away her lunch
Does anyone else see it?
Another doesn't see the point in life
And is slipping into depression
Another cut herself,
(I know what that is like)
But all these beautiful people
Are hating themselves in ways,
And I know that just me alone,
Telling them they are beautiful
Is not enough to heal them,
Jesus, you healed thousands,
I'm begging You to rest your hand
Upon these people,
And let them know
*They are enough