I want to leave this school
I want to leave everyone here
I want to start over new
I want to find new people

The title of a predetermined holiday
Won't magically change things
*It's up to me, you, us to do that

What's new about it?
Relapsing doesn't count
As anything new

What is with these dark thoughts
Is it the morbid end to this dark year
Perhaps next year will bring
My happy self back, and my family too

Catch me I'm falling
Losing myself in the air
Don't leave me crawling
Catch me and show me you care

my eyes are closing
and the fan is humming
the light is closing
and my brain is numbing
my dreams will come
to take me away
then I will awake
for another day

That song made everything not okay.

Sweating, breathing, silent screaming
Shaking, crosses, mixed love making
Kisses, crying, forced good-bying
Late night terror, morning dream
Guardian angel whispers in my ear
I'm screaming so loud, no one can hear
One more prayer, one more look
Look at my own heart I've took
I've thrown it into jail you see,
To save me from questioning eternity

Sweating, breathing, silent screaming
Shaking, crosses, mixed love making
Kisses, crying, forced good-bying
Late night terror, morning dream
Guardian angel whispers in my ear
I'm screaming so loud, no one can hear
One more prayer, one more look
Look at my own heart I've took
I've thrown it into jail you see,
To save me from questioning eternity

No one talks to me anymore

I don't know what's happening at all anymore
Actually I do know what's happening,
When I was sure I had it right, I was completely wrong
Everything is so different, and this sounds like ****
But every time I see you something else takes control

I'm so used to being able to fix things
To be in control, to tell you what to do
But there's no fixing this, no fixing it

Of All the make up
The eight new creams
I just can't hide it

Remind me again of how hard it's going to be
To never know love again

Snap out of it

Funny how I thought that was normal

When the plane seems like it's nosediving
And you can't gain control
When the future worries you
Because of the past
Just shrug and smile and know
That few as they are,
There are people that truly care

I know exactly why a wave of nostalgia comes over me when I hear those songs
It was who I was, the real me, and who I am trying desperately to be again

I'm not this emotional, depressed girl
Not a suicidal sorrowful girl either
I'm a girl who is dealing with my past
The best I can, and maybe my past isn't that bad
Maybe it's not something to dwell on
All I know is that it's affected me
And I'm dealing with it one way or another

I am teetering again
And I guess it's up to me
To decided which way
I fall

Only by watching him and falling in love with what he did
Did I realize that I need to be working far harder to Be able
To do what he does in my own future, a dream come true

Throughout the day I've found out exactly what I'm missing
The problem is, it's impossible for me to get it in this place

You stand there and you stare
And you aren't being seen
They don't see you
They will never see you

Kissing is as far as I will go right now
And maybe not even kissing,
The thought itself sounds nice,
But I'm saving myself for something
Something that will pop,
And I'm sorry that nothing has popped
My mind and heart tells me no
That this isn't the moment I've waited for

This pain in my chest that won’t go away
I tell myself to just take it day by day
I didn’t realize how far I’d gotten this way
Even though it’s not true, it feels like it’ll stay

They say it’s your heart,
But I say it’s not
It’s everything you are,
Yes it’s the whole lot

Though I appreciate the kindness now
It doesn't fix the damage done then

We fill the air with useless words
Filling the empty space,
Minds and hearts yearning to fill the void themselves

I feel numb, no sensing,
As if I lost the ability to feel
As if everything is happening
All at once around me
And I'm not even aware

I always said I wasn't a city girl
I didn't like the idea of concrete and high rises
Or the idea of traffic jams and noise
But I found I've changed my outlook

It was alive, the whole city was
So many different people,
From so many different places
All in one city

The buildings were huge and glassy
And lights created beautiful spectacles
Splotches of strong green trees
Checkered the whole area

There were old red brick apartments
And cafes and shops and alleys
And there were gigantic slick towers
That reflected like mirrors

There were giant magnificent churches
And there were bicycles ringing
And horse carriages in the parks
The night was filled with neon

The country girl in me made room
For the urban girl to make a home
New York City the melting ***
And the only thing I missed was  
The stars.

I am so ******* happy
And I feel like there is a reason
Something I should realize
But I'm too oblivious
To notice anything anymore

I'm afraid I'm like the ocean
Always moving, changing
Never to be held in ones hands

its an expanse of nothingness holding within her belly a chasm of black water
i imagine it would be like the inside of a coffin, except going on seemingly forever
she’s warm and she touches every part of me, yes she fills every inch, every crack
she’s beautiful, and I want to dive into her
I want to drown in her

The water laps against my waist
Deep in the water, eyes squint
Heat radiating off skin, and quiet

It's a drug
Im addicted
More like
Overdosing

I seem okay
I trick myself into feeling okay
But when it's quiet
Or when I actually stop
Talking enough to listen to my mind
I'm not okay
I'm dealing, I'll make it
But I'm not just *okay

You answered with a dismissively cold "okay."
And I knew it wasn't going to happen

Older, that's all I feel
Older, everything's real
Older, I found the why
Older, but who am I

It's like something set me on fire again
Expect this time it's not about burning
It's not even about the heat
It's about the light that's shining out of me

My mind needs to know that it is daytime, not the night
Therefore I should not be crying right now in the open

They say beauty is not just skin deep,
They say it's on the inside that counts
But what if I think what's on my inside,
Is just as ugly as what's on my outside

On the outside I look sick
My lips are pale my eyes sunken in
My hair tangled, face grey
I stand frowning, still,
Breathing slowly, silently

On the inside I press against the walls
I beat the ground, and I sob
I shake with sobs,
And I fall on the floor
Crying help me  help me

*I just want to feel right again

My heart jumped into my throat
And my stomach lurched
My lungs dissolve into dust

Cryptically typing a hurried thought
That defied every response

I look in the mirror and no one stares back
I see him in things that I do
When they see me, when they discover
I promise, I hate me too.

I was holding on tightly,
But my eyes began to close
And my grip loosened
And now I am floating
Drifting through time
Why be closed when
It feels so good to be open

You think I don't want you,
you think I'm not interested
You hear the snappy comments
You must think I hate you
However, I can assure you it's all the opposite

Sometimes I feel like I am the person everyone says is totally cute, datable,  
But I swear I'd never be an option in their eyes

I don't want to be optional
I want to be *required

There is no other option for me
Opening my mouth cannot be an option

She looked real pretty walking up
Her medals, hanging, sway
Sorry you got stuck with me,
A failure every day

Her feelings are the same
But her attitude is different