I look in the mirror.
I don’t appear.
This girls eyes are stained red.
Her hair, a rat’s nest.
Her cheeks are red.
Pale skin.

I try to think.
My mind doesn’t pop up.
I swim through my head trying to find it,
But the smoke gets in the way.
I see nothing real.

Nothing matters, will matter, or ever has mattered
In this haze of mine.
The only concern
Is how many giggles I can release
Per minute.

I have goose bumps,
My feelings are nonexistent.
I’m walking through a dream.
I don’t have to dwell on sadness,
I can release myself into a different kind of wild.
The kind I control.
In my head.

It is not without great vanity that a man loves a woman. She sits hours upon days, sunsets upon moons, waiting to be missed. He is inconsistent with his efforts, and as her love swells, he retreats back to the mannerisms that exemplify why women want what they can never have. He looks in the mirror feeling so lucky to live in his skin, so lucky to be so loved, while she looks in the mirror wondering what it is about her that does not intrigue him enough to fully commit to a heart as fully committed as her own. He knows his power, he wears it well.
It is with great vanity a man is loved.

Maybe deep down she'll always be that girl that wants what she can't fully have.

Loving people that'll never know how to love her, really love her.

And a few times she'll realize her worth but then she gets consumed in this futuristic land of fomo.

fear of missing out

That wide range between reality and what if.

Reality existing in hands other than her own.

What if being behind those closed doors that make reality worthwhile.

Fearful of abandoning reality because there's that small chance that what if comes through.

Fear of missing out.
On you.

Dear First Love,
       With all my heart, i can truly say i love you. U will never know how much you mean to me. You have made me smile, and you have made me cry, but through it all my love never died. I never knew i would fall so hard, but i will say i dont regret it at all. Ive grown to love everything about you. From your curly hair, to ur freckles, to the tip of your toes. You've impacted my life in so many ways. I dont know if you know how much i appreciate you. Thanks for all the times i needed you, and you were actually there. Thanks for pushing me to go get my permit, giving me the hope that a job would finally come my way and being there when i needed to vent on some tough times i was going through. I couldnt ask for anything more. I hope i did my job in being there for you when you needed me. I tried my best in being perfect just for you. First love, just know together or not i will always love you, and every moment your thinking of me, im thinking of you too. Our realationship has been tough. Really tough i might add. But its brought me so much happiness in spite of all the crazy drama. Theres memories weve made that i will never forget (smiling while writing). My favorite memory was the first time i really started to like you. Sitting in the car holding hands just listening to music. You creeped your little self into my heart that day. Ever since ive never been able to go a day without thinking of you. Remember when we used to go ice skating, or when we raced at mcdonalds, or when we used to write poetry about each other all the time. Lol. I swear we communicated better through poetry then words back then. I always understood you more though your poems. Another memory i can never forget was December 25th. Great day. First the present with all the wrapping paper then the movies. Then you asked me to be your girlfiend. I was so shocked i couldnt believe it. I swear that was the happiest day for me.I remember my exact feeling. I remember thinking to myself woow, hes really mines now, all ive ever wanted, the guy ive always wanted to be with, i loved you then and there, just couldnt say the words. We hadnt gotten to that stage yet. But there came a day i knew with every inch of my body that i was in love with you. I couldnt help it. You were just perfect to me even through your wrong doing. I fell in love with the Eric that loved to hug and hold me, the one that knew i was what he wanted so faught for me, the guy that tried to make things better right after he messed up. That was my first love. The Eric that tried. Im just waiting for him to come back. I miss him so much. I havent seen him for a while but i know hes still there. I hope one day, when your ready for love the right way, that i will still be there. Ill be waiting for now. Ive always had hope in us. We still have more memories to create, prom, dances, ocean city, maybe paris lol. I cant wait and i hope that we one day comeback to enjoy those days together. But for now. I must let you go, because my heart is hurting and i dont know how much more i can take. Ill always be there for you first love, i promise, i just hope one day youll be ready for me and my love.  I love you so much Eric Martin! Your my heart.

Sincerly Mariah

P.S. forever my little freckleface

She spoke of poetry
as though it were her
goodbye letter.

No-
not to the world,
but to her pain.

And what was baffling
about her was
how someone so beautiful,
both inside-out,
be broken and darkened
by her past.

But something
that I was blinded to
in the beginning
was that even in all
that darkness,
a light so majestic,
absolutely luminous,
existed.

It was her that was
blinded of the true beauty
she was blessed with.

Her insecurities blinded her
of who she really was,
of what she could be
capable of.

She was her own enemy.

You two look great together.
Some may even say
a match made in heaven.
He's my best friend,
almost like my brother,
and you . . .
You were my everything-

This relationship was my
Armageddon.

The two most important
people in my life
committed
the most horrendous
betrayal
known to a man's heart.

I was fooled, I was played.

Both of you grabbed my heart
and just destroyed it;
y'all tore it apart.

My soul,
my smile,
my everything
was just an illusion.

I loved this woman,
heart and soul.

And he,
who I thought was my brother,
knew exactly how I felt
for this woman.
He knew I wanted to give her
my name.

But they both schemed
a plan together.

Traitors.

And now I'm here,
drunken with anger and hate.
Asking myself,
"What did I do wrong
to receive this fate?"