Just breathe,
You don’t cry in front of people,
You know that.
It’s not that bad

Why are they all so mad…
You don’t get why they’re so mean
You get that he ******* up
You get that, trust me
But when you forgave him
You expected them to do so too
But they didn’t
And to make matters worse
They’re mad at you for being forgiving

And it’s not even up to them, **** it
So why should you care
Crying isn’t necessary
And you’re fine
Nothing is really wrong
Your suppose to be friends are just
Being jerks to you and him
Nothing is wrong
You're fine

Just breathe
You don’t cry in front of people
You know that.
And you’re not going to today

I want to cry on your shoulder
Because you are the one person
I know would be okay with me crying
I grew up from a young age
Told that I’m not supposed to cry
I think my mom just meant
I was crying over something stupid
But this sentence came up
Time and time again
So I figure it to mean
That I’m not allowed to cry
And around my friends
I rarely cry
Because they expect me to be stone
They expect me to always be okay for them
And I don’t like it when I cry to myself
Because I feel tired of being a pity party
So the only option I have left
Is say I am tired
Because if I yawn enough
And pretend that my water filled eyes
Are just heavy from lack of sleep
I might forget that I want to cry
Because I can’t cry anymore
So you ask me if I’m okay
I tend to reply
‘Yeah, just tired’

Knight in shining armor
Riding on your gallant horse
Roses in your hand
You rode up with your sword in hand
Ready to slay a dragon
And hang the moon
All just for me

You’re probably the best knight to have come round so far

If life were a musical
I’d sing all day and night
But I don’t sing all that well

If life were a dance competition
I’d dance all day and night
But I don’t dance all that well

If life were a play
I’d act all day and night
But I don’t act all that well

When am I going to step out of my shell?
When will I stop caring about my imperfections?
When will I remember that life is just life?

When will I allow myself to be less than the best?

A rock star and a bookworm
Don’t match
An extrovert and an introvert
Don’t match
A loved and an unnoticed
Don’t match

But somehow
You and me
Do

Building in the workshop, slowly fixing a little girl
who looked up to this extraordinary man who loved her so much
Even without the same bloodline in their veins, she chose him out of seven.
He didn’t seem as though he was disappointed or ashamed of her.
He just loved to see her happy, while building toys and rabbit traps.
Loved seeing her smile as he taught her how to use the saw
and cut through her family’s civil war
And hammer the nails, called bad feelings down into her mood board,
Knock, Knock, Knock, Slam

Sitting on the porch with a not as little girl at his side,
Watching the birds, and the deer, and the grass.
He sees the inner bickering, in the girls head.
She had figured out that she was broken,
She just wanted to be fixed.
He wanted her to know
That walking on old broken glass from the once clear window
Will only cut you more and make you bleed harder.
So he handed her the mood board
And started to read aloud charlotte's web,
As the little taps began.
Knock, Knock, Knock, Slam.

Laying, cold as a corpse in his hospital bed,
She never saw it but it’s was she went through her head
As her mother, one morning, deadpanned that Bob was dead.
My favorite grandparent had died
For months on end, the moderately grownup girl couldn’t get it outta her head,
That she refused to look at him the last time that she could
Because she was afraid that he was empty, that he was different,
That the purely good man was slipping out.
She hadn’t been with him when he finally needed her help.
So she cried when no one was looking and missed so bad.
Broke down in the places she felt the least broken.
She went to her first funeral as the only child there.
Her mood board has one spot left,
She’d been saving for the day that lung cancer won
So she pounded out one more
Knock, Knock, Knock, SLAM.

In seconds
I go from
Happy
To okay
To sad

Music is my life
And I’m not even all that great at it
I can barely read music sheets
And I’m far off from having perfect pitch
My singing is sometimes off tune
And I stumble over notes

But to me
While I play Rock Band
And sing Karaoke
I don’t care that I’m not good
I just sing
Because it gives me passion
And sets me free.

I've been convinced of being in love before
But now I'm not so sure I ever was
Because I know this is it
How I can't explain how I feel
How I can't pick the best thing about you
How I can't get through a day without thinking of you
Smiling at the thought of you
How everyone can tell that I'm head over heels
How I can't even talk about you without blushing
How I can't hide how I feel
I've never felt like this before
And I know this is real love
And I know that nothing before this was
Now patience is the key, but I have faith in this
And I'm keeping this feeling for as long as I can
I'm keeping you for as long as I can
And that's all I need

My name is Nerd
My name is Geek
My name is Dork
My name is ******
Because I like geeky things

My name is Show Off
My name is Try Hard
My name is Uptight
My name is Vegan
Because I’m trying to get through life
(And I was eating chicken when you came up with that last one)

My name is Teacher’s Pet
My name is Bookworm
My name is Theater/Show Choir Kid
My name is Little Sister of…
Because you’ve seen me have jet focus in the activities I take part in

I’m starting to think
That you might have forgotten
My real name
Because I hide behind the things I do and am
So just a reminder
My name is Reagan

You tell me I’m not depressed
I’m just resisting happiness

This was my secret
Not yours to tell
This is the whole reason
I didn’t plan to tell you until later
I wanted to tell brother before you
But somehow it came up in conversation
And now you think
You have the authority to tell whoever you want
It’s my secret
Not yours to tell
But now you have
And you are acting like
Super Pride Sister
Because of my secret
This is so like you
To make everything about you
For your reputation
It’s my secret
Not yours to tell
And I wasn’t planning on telling you
Because I’m not even sure if I approve of it myself
How is it fair
That my secret
Is about you
It’s my secret
Not yours to tell

My friend mentioned her mother
She had said something rude
She said, ‘you should be happy’

Now this is coming from a mom who judges her child for being queer
And she expects her kid to be happy still

It’s coming from a mom who knows her child has depression
And she expects her kid to be gleeful still

It’s coming from a mom who forgot about her child’s birthday
And she expects her kid to be joyful still

One comment
Innocent enough
Can make someone lose themselves furthermore
In the dark caves of their brain

Be careful with your words

Sometimes
It’s hard to think of that other paths
You’d be on if you went a different way
When you came to that fork in the road
But you can’t go back
Only forward
And you have to figure out a way
To make do with the path you’re on
And make it the best **** journey you’ll ever take

Perfection is the worst
Yet I want it so bad
So everyone will leave me alone.

Perfection is the worst
Because it doesn’t even exist
But it’s still expected of me.

Perfection is the worst
Trapping me in forms
Locking my joints in place.

Perfection is the worst.

‘Let go of the little distractions,
hold close to the ones that you love,
because we won’t all be here this time next year,
so while you can, take a picture of us.’

-Frank Turner

When I look at this picture right now
I see all my friends
Enjoying some Dairy Queen ice cream
Our eyes are alive
Our smiles are bright
And laughter can be heard through the frame
I remember not wanting to go
I never hang out with my friends
At least not outside school hours
And that night had been rough
And disappointing
But now I thank my mom for forcing me to be social
For one night of my life
Because that was one of the best nights of my childhood

When I look at this picture
Fifty years from now
I will see all my friends
Enjoying some Dairy Queen ice cream
Our eyes are alive
Our smiles are bright
And laughter can be heard through the frame
And I will miss all the friends
Who have left
And who I lost touch with years before
And I will wish to see those eyes in person
To see those smiles shine in my direction
To hear the real laugh escape from their lips
This picture will mean the world to me

I love looking at your profile
Your jaw
Your eyes
You hair
And I’m stuck in a trance
Of observing your cuteness
While biting my lip
From hesitation
Fighting the urge to kiss you
Until you look over
Noticing that I’m watching
And smile
...It makes it even better.

Puke
Every other Saturday
When you go the entire week,
Sometimes even two,
Without eating an actual meal
And then you go to a place
Where someone is actually paying attention to it
And you don’t want them to be worried
So you eat
More than you want to
You puke
Not on purpose
But it still happens
And I’m not worried
But others are
They pretend they are
They try to get me to eat
But their effort isn’t there
They’re just trying to show that they’re worried,
Even though they’re not,
Just for reputation
But my dad is actually worried
And I don’t understand why
He doesn’t care about anything
And no one else really cares about this
So why is he worried
I’m fine
It’s not that big of a deal
I just don’t eat when I’m not hungry
I don’t need a chart
You don’t need to shove food down my throat
Really it’s fine
And I do eat
Snacks
And other small portions
To keep me fine
I know how to stay fine
You don’t have to worry
Every time I puke

I asked myself to this day
Weather or not I would be the same
If they just stayed together, if they just didn’t split.
I had thought things would get better, that nothing would ever change
But that was wrong
and the longer I care
the more I drown in my salty lake of tears
That’s hidden under my bed from the world who thinks I’m smiling.

I wonder to this day
If only they let me watch as he moved away
Instead of sending us to naptime
And let us wake up to change.
Seeing him a reck and her in joy made me feel broken too
And the longer I care
The more I drown in my salty lake of tears
That’s hidden under my bed from the world who thinks I’m smiling.

I question to this day
If my mom told truth to us or lied to us to get agreement.
She said we were a packaged deal, he’d love us all the same,
Was I just a gullible four year old then
Or was it a truth that changed, I don’t know
But the longer I care
The more I drown in my salty lake of tears
That’s hidden under my bed from the world who thinks I’m smiling.

I worry to this day
If I’d ever get phased out
If one McKay was an up roar
What would the rest be like?
Only the three of us left and we all feel left so lonely and cold
But the longer I care
The more I drown in my salty lake of tears
That’s hidden under my bed from the world who thinks I’m smiling.

I still feel the pain, the morn, and the scrutiny to this day
Even after 10 years have past
Anxiety rules me
Making fear overstay its welcome
Making me care
And pushing my head beneath my salty lake of tears.
That’s hidden under my bed from the world who thinks I’m smiling.


I noticed to this day
That if I don’t care
I won’t feel the pain, the fear, the insane
The triggers might go away
And why these things won’t just go away, I  really do not know.
I do know that the path I took had a lot of broken trees and dying flowers,
And I know that I’m tired of drowning over and over in my salty lake of tears
That’s hidden under my bed from the world who thinks I’m smiling.

But I can’t stop caring
so I continue to drown.
I can’t tell you why, simply because I don’t know myself.
But I think the world thinks I’m smiling because I let them,
Not because they don’t want to read the rest of this boring, dusty book,
But because I put a lock on it and hid the key.
So I care, and care
Until I am submerged by my salty lake of tears,
That’s hidden under my bed from the world who I let think I’m smiling

Screaming.
From the bedroom four doors down.
From inside my own head.
From my dad, as he leaves.

Screaming.
From the bedroom three doors down.
From inside my own head.
From my oldest brother, as he leaves.

Screaming.
From the bedroom two doors down.
From inside my own head.
From my next brother, as he leaves

Screaming?
No, the next door is passed.
Nothing is wrong.
Targets aren’t painted for the adopted.

Knock, knock.
The door.

What a great day to be a McKay.

I’m slowing down again
In the time of blooming flowers
Or dying leaves
Thoughts are slowing down again
Only a few get in
And of those many few
Most of them are dead

I don’t understand you foolish friends of mine
You all say he is a god
A legend
An idol
But I don’t see it
I think you love my brother more than I do
Only because you see his better side

While I see the brother drawn in by Assassin's Creed
You see the kid who danced with strong motion
And sang with a beautiful voice
Something he technically hated

While I see the brother punching holes in the walls
You see the kid who was a child-like goof
And played like life was a game
Something that he only did for show

While I see the brother who barely has time to talk anymore
You see the kid who would chat for hours on end
And give you all the attention in the world
Something he’d never do for me

You all don’t see him anymore
He moved away from you
But you foolish friends of mine
Still look up to him
Thinking he is the god of show choir

But I see him every now and then
If at all
And I think he’s awful
And I don’t look up to him
...not anymore...
Because in all honesty
He’s always shined for you, never for his little sister
Who just wanted to be like him

And now you’re all disappointed,
Because I can’t live up to his show choir god-like persona

Sixteen is safe.
1...2...3...4…5...6...7...8...9...10...11...12...13...14...­15...16
Count to sixteen
To simply refresh.

Sixteen is safe.
1...2...3...4…5...6...7...8...9...10...11...12...13...14...­15...16
Count to sixteen, sixteen times in a row
To calm down.

Sixteen is safe.
1...2...3...4…5...6...7...8...9...10...11...12...13...14...­15...16
Count to sixteen, sixteen times in a row, sixteen times a day
To stay sane.

Six is wrong.
1...2...3...4…5...6...7...8...9...10...11...12...13...14..­.15...16
Six is dangerous.
Don’t interrupt at six.

Sixteen is safe.
1...2...3...4…5...6...7...8...9...10...11...12...13...14...­15...16
I restart everyday.
First one when I wake up.

1...2...3...4…5...6...7...8...9...10...11...12...13...14...1­5...16

I’ve said it once
And I’ll say it again
I don’t like people
And I don’t like inserting myself into conversations
And I don’t like being expected to add my opinions
And when I’m already having a bad day
On the edge of tears
I don’t want to have to do any of this
But you make me
And I deal with it somehow
Just barely making it without crying
I don’t like being part of the loop
Socratic Circles ****

The only thing I’ve always longed to be
Is someone special
But I’m not
I am the invisible girl
No one sees
All I’ve ever wanted to be
Is someone special
But I am extraordinarily plain at best
Weird at worst
Not someone worth mentioning
Not someone special

Walk up the steps,
          Sit on the stool,
                  Adjust the mic,
                         face the lights,
                               And sing.

Strum the strings,
Hear how your voice rings.
Close your eyes,
And shed your disguise.

Sing about the things you feel,
The things that don’t seem real .
Sway with the song,
And hear the crowd sing along.

Don’t think about stumbling on the words,
Or tripping over the cords.
Hear the melody and hum,
Think about the applause sure to come.

All your problems left when you stepped on the stage,
Now it’s up to you to finish the song, to write another page.
It may seem like hell
But you gotta step out of that shell

Strum the strings,
Hear how your voice rings.
Close your eyes,
And shed your disguise.

I promise that everything’ll be alright,
You’ll win the fight.
The stage fright won’t last long,
So sing your song.

Walk up the steps,
               Sit on the stool,
                          Adjust the mic,
                                  Face the lights,
                                                And sing.

Don't tell me I'm like them
When you don't know what that means
Don't say I'm disappointing you
When you don't know the you disappoint me
Don't argue that I need to shape up
When you don't know how I'd want to shape up
Don't hit me with your words
If you don't know how they will land

I am aware
That you hate it when I put myself down
But it’s the only logistical way for me to live

Think about it
If you find all your flaws first
It will hurt less for people to point them out

So yes, I think I am awful at acting
Even though I was cast in the play
And you tell me to stop putting myself down

And yes, I think I’m awful at singing
Even though I’m on our show choir team
And you tell me to stop putting myself down

Yes, I think I’m awful at singing
Even though you think I sing like a nightingale
And you tell me to stop putting myself down

Here’s the thing though
I find it easier to put myself down
Than listen to everyone else telling me my flaws

And you might not like it
But sometimes, it’s the only thing keeping me out of my head
And you tell me to stop putting myself down

I am aware
That you hate it when I put myself down
But it’s the only logistical way for me to live

Falling in love with you
Is like suicide

...Except…
Different results
…Obviously

Not saying that loving you makes me want to die…
...God...
This is an awful analogy <insert loud eye roll>
But it’s the only one that works

Loving you is like jumping off a cliff
On purpose
Suicide
Except in the end
Instead of the death I would normally want
I end up in love
After the best drop of the century
Falling from the cliff

The other night, dear, as I lay sleeping
I dreamed I held you in my arms
But when I awoke, dear, I was mistaken
And I hung my head and I cried

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine.
The brightest star of my life,
The light of my day,
The cause of the tingling warmth in my heart.
The only smile I search for in a crowded room,
The only voice I listen to when you’re up on the stage,
The only person I miss when I’m feeling lonely.

I'll always love you and make you happy
If you will only say the same
But if you leave me to love another
You'll regret it all some day

You make me happy when skies are grey.
When I’m down in the dumps,
When I’m feeling like no one loves me,
When I’m hating myself,
Your arms around me are what I want to feel,
Your smile is what I wish to see,
Your sweet words are what I want to hear.

You told me once, dear, you really loved me
And no one else could come between
But now you've left me and love another
You have shattered all my dreams

You’ll never know, dear, how much I love you.
How much I need you,
How much I want you to be here with me,
How much I miss you when you’re away.
I hope you can see what you mean to me,
I hope you know I’ll be here for you like you are for me,
I hope you don’t change your mind.

You are my sunshine, my only sunshine
You make me happy when skies are grey
You'll never know, dear, how much I love you
Please don't take my sunshine away

Please don’t take my sunshine away.
There are many things that would make you leave,
There are many things that could dim your light,
There are many things that could cause a supernova.
Please don’t take my sunshine away,
Please don’t take my sunshine away,
Please don’t take my sunshine away.

You say LOL
After I sent TGIF.
But really?
Should I laugh?
This week has been awful.
I feel the weight of the world.
Stuck in my own head.
I’m soaking wet from being drenched in my thoughts.
I want to go home.
SOL.
Not to the home that I hate.
To my dad’s house
Where I can forget for a moment,
That life’s not all that GR8.

I am sorry
I really am
I’m sorry for you having to deal with me
I listen to sad music
And am always thinking
I feel like a hundred voices are always screaming in my head
And you are always there to get me smiling
To help me ignore the voices
And to get me out of my head
Thank you for sticking with me
I’m kind of a handful, I know
But I feel like I’m okay when I’m with you

I heard you said that I was pretty,
But it was obviously a mistake.
How could a guy like you
Have feelings for me?
I'm not cool or good looking.
Not funny or slimming.
Nor am I formal,
Half the time I'm just trying to be normal.

I get the feeling that you're proud of me,
Are you wrong, too?
I'm not as smart as the smartest kids,
But not as average as the averages.
No one ever notices me try and do something,
So how'd you figure that you noticed my nothings?
'Cause last time I checked, I was a bore.
When I talked to you, you walked toward the door.

I see that you are smiling at me,
Those white pearls showing.
That doesn't make much sense to me
Because no one likes me the way I am.
I've had fake friends before,
But this seems real as well as odd.
I'm too closed up and definitely too weird.
Too different for anyone as normal as you with all your previous nasty sneers.

This is weird,
It just isn't right.
No one can love me,
At least not the way I am.
I just wish I could see what is fake and what is real,
Because now I don't know how to feel.

You liking me,
That's just not right,
It doesn't make sense,
And it makes me confused.

That's just not right

I am a master at lying
It is an art
I’ve become so good at it
That when I say
I am fine
I almost believe myself

I don’t actually know what I am typing
This is going to be like one of those sentences that you start
But don’t know where it’s going so you just keep talking

I am happy
Happier than I have been in so long
For a really long time
I thought God was against me
I didn’t know if I should put my faith in him or not
It’s actually called agnosticism
But I felt as if I had done something really bad when I was young
Because God kept throwing punches
And then he gave me some happy back
But then he took it away
And then he gave it back

I don’t know
It’s confuzzling
Yes i just used that word
I’m one of those people
I use fantabulous as an actual adjective
And I add -ly to any verb to make it an adjective
Yes, in case you were wondering
I’m pretty sure I’m crazy
But besides the point
I am happy

I’m not sure if anyone is reading this far in
This is pretty long anyway
And basically I’m just ranting

I have some major mental problems
If y’all have read any of my other poems you would know that there are a lot of things that ripped my heart out
And yes, I am also one of those people that uses the word y’all
I have anxiety, worried about everything and I get anxiety attacks at a good chunk of the football games I go to
I have depression, or some sort of mood swingy thing goin’ on there
I don’t really know
I’m just really sad all the time
There’s a lot more, but those are the most demanding of them all
It kinda makes life unbearable
But I live

Oh, oh, oh!
I just came up with what to call this piece
The Dumpster Fire Rant
Yeah
That’s my mom’s favorite saying
Or at least a close second to ‘do you want to be sent to live with your dad’
But the point is
I don’t know what the heck in huckleberry heck I’m talking about
Again, yes, I am that kind of person to say that
I’m basically just ranting here
Ranting about my major dumpster fire of a comedic life
And no one has probably even reached this far in the poem
Because it’s too long
And it’s basically me being a major dork
But I don’t care

I get made fun of quite a bit
I’m a nerd
And I’m considered smart, even though I’m pretty stupid in my opinion
I sing
To be exact, I sing and dance
At the same time
It’s called show choir
And no I’m not queer in any way, shape, or form
...well…
Nope.
That’s not a question I feel like talking about
If I answer what I am
I get scared and run in the opposite direction
Even if it’s something I can’t change
So I rather not think about the possibilities
I am the girl who stands in front of the mirror each day
And decides I am pretty
Only to be told by everyone
Including my family and closest friends
That I am ugly
Even if they don’t say it directly
They make the slightest comment
And I feel like I was shot

I am also the girl who reads at lunch while listening to Frank Turner
The artist who no one I know knows
I am the one who says the darndest things
Like fudge buckets, or shiitake mushrooms on a swiss burger on a Wednesday afternoon
And I say croutons like crouwtons, and tells autocorrect to shove off when it tells me that’s wrong
I am the one who eats mac and cheese with ketchup and ranch
And I am the one who drinks orange juice with my spaghetti
I get it
I am weird
And I am a target
And I practically am asking for it
But I can’t explain it
That’s just the way I am

I am pretty fricken sure that no one is still reading this

Sometimes
I just need a good rant
And I only know you virtually
So you are my therapist
Except with less awkward silence and the weird fact that you’re being evaluated by another person
And can practically see their thoughts behind their eyes
Or is that just me?
Anyway
You didn’t have to say anything
Or even read the whole thing
Or any of it at all
But it’s out there
My rant is out there
My dumpster fire is burning bright
And it is out there
So thank you virtual therapists who I don’t know and probably haven’t even read this far in.
Thank you.

Thousands of hearts are strung on the wall
I grab your hand and jump off the cliff
Taking the Great Fall
Landing in the cool waters below
Submerging us in love

I saw all of those empty cigarette boxes in the back of your car.
And I felt disappointment, yes, but that wasn’t all.
I also felt like you were slipping through my fingers.
Like I wasn’t holding on to you tight enough.
Like you were submitting yourself to an endless doom, that one day would end you,
And I just couldn’t stop you.
You were fading with every light up.
You said you stopped, and I believed you.
But then things went wrong.
I wasn’t there to hold on to you.
I wasn’t there to help you calm down.
It took me a while to see them again,
But eventually your hiding tactics failed.
They got flimsy and careless.
And all I can think about now
Is how one day I’ll be looking at the proof.
One day you’ll be lying in hospital bed
Living as lifeless as you’ve always looked.

The phone goes round and round.
What could this all mean?
And at two o’clock in the morning, really what could dad need right now?
One by one, I see the faces drop.
And the phone goes round and round.

Why won’t they let me talk to him next?
Why won’t they just tell me what’s going on so I can go back to bed?
Why are they all looking at me like that, with fear and worry behind glazed eyes?
Why will no one answer my questions?
And the phone goes round and round.

Oh dear god, just one person away.
I have my guesses as to what this is.
I’m crying already and the phone hasn’t even come to me yet.
The list of people who I think might be it.
Who might be gone.
And the phone passes to me.

Hello?
‘Cancer’
And just like that my life was flipped.
The world fades,
As I pass out from crying too hard.
And the phone goes round and round.

It was worse for me,
Watching someone die is loads worse than them just being dead.
You see them suffer and you see their pain.
It becomes so hard to look,
Because you become too scared to see the death.
And I remember the phone going round and round.

How could it be him?
So strong, so brave, so gallant,
Struck down by cancer.
The one person that never ran through my head,
When I listed people who I expected died.
That awful phone went round and round.

When my time came, a month later,
I had so much to say,
Just in case I never saw him again.
I love you, you’re doing great, keep fighting…
Please.
That awful phone went round and round.
The problem was that I never said anything.
It was too hard to see the pain you were trying to hide,
But I saw it, and couldn’t see past,
So when it was time to leave, I said my love,
Banking on the fact that he’d be there for Christmas.
That awful phone went round and round.

Six months later, the phone came out again.
And my tears fell, last again to get the phone.
I’ll never see him again.
It’s hard to remember that he’s not in pain anymore,
When you see that awful phone going round and round.

Has anyone ever thought about death
Like, really really
Because I refuse to believe that it’s just empty nothingness
Because empty nothingness *****
And I refuse to believe that it is just a deep sleep with dreams
Because sometimes dreams turn into nightmares
And I wouldn’t be able to wake up
That’s not fair
I hope death is more than the ultimate black
Because that means that all the pain I’ve gone through
Was for nothing
And that’s some major BS
Because I’ve been through a lot

I feel a great guilt
When I think to myself
She is the worst.
I know deep down, she does love me
At least more than she should
I’m the one who tells her she’s not being fair
I’m the one who says she’s the worst
For loving all of her kids, except me
For giving more attention to the others
For wrecking my whole life
So many times over
Sometimes it feels like she doesn’t see me anymore
Like she doesn’t think I’m as smart as everyone tells me I am
So I deny their complements, because if she can’t see it, then it’s not there
And then I complain
I focus on all the things she does that make me feel so sad inside
I can’t see that she’s trying to help me
Out of worry
I take note that she never says I love you just because
It’s only when she thinks I need it, or when she knows I’m upset with her
I see that all she wants is to be liked
But really she’s trying to be there for me when I need it
I feel a great guilt
When I think to myself
She is the worst.
But she’s trying
And she does love me
More than she should
Because in all honesty
I am the worst
Please forgive my guilt.

Sometimes I feel
Like I am a background character
In my own story

I sit and watch my friends’ lives unravel
Like a movie
Taking everything in all at once
I observe
And think of what I could say right about now
But when I go to say what is on my mind
I suddenly get a feeling of shyness

It’s easier to be the background character
It’s easier to forget the plot of your own life
When everything is revolving around everyone else
And it’s nice to see everyone’s smile
When I remember their favorite things
Or their birthdays
Because I spent more time observing them
Than speaking my opinion

There is a difference
Between distance
And being alone

Distance is taking me farther away
Taking me on journeys to find new treasure each day
That will maybe make me happy again

I don’t have to travel to be alone
And each day I find that the loneliness has grown
It’s not something I need to go searching for

Distance is an excuse
So your worry and my pain can make a truce
And to keep me farther from the things that might actually help

Being alone is a problem
Keeping my emotions solemn
Even as people are holding my hand as we walk this path

Distance has long car rides
And self hating tour guides
And things to distract me from homesickness

Distance is melodious
It allows me to run from the loneliness
...Only to find more alone

Trust me when I say, there’s a difference
Between distance
And being alone

I noticed my heart was stained with some ink
So I threw it in the washer
Without reading the label
Which said
‘One time use only’

Someone else
Who?, I’m not sure,
Threw it in the dryer
Of which I did not know

So when I took it out
To my dismay
It was shredded to pieces
And the stain was still there.

Last time I cried
My chest tightened so much
That my breathing
Was off
Or more accurately
Air would not come
And I was shaking
I was sitting in my dark room
Crying silently
While shaking violently
And I couldn’t breathe
My heart was racing
And my mind pacing
Running through thoughts
Of death and failure

I don’t understand how I descend so quick.

I have carved into my skin
Like prisoners carve the tally marks of their days left in jail
We’re all counting down to something, just in different ways

There is something I want to get off my chest
But I can’t
Because if I admit that it is affecting me
I’ll stop holding strong
I’m not hurting
It’s just on my mind
And I’m worried that if I start to talk about it
I’ll start to feel hurt
And so I’d like to save myself from feeling more sad
But keeping it inside is equally painful