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R B M Dec 2019
My hands are shaking violently
I’m not so sure why
But I can’t exactly expect myself to sit still
When my mind is always moving a mile a minute
My body was bound to catch up
R B M Nov 2019
Have you ever just let your fingers run over the keyboard
And looked up to see what you have written
And been shocked
When the first real thing you’ve let yourself think in a while
Has suddenly showed face on the page
R B M Jan 2020
Sometimes I feel
As if my brain is running on a hamster wheel
And like I’m plummeting into a deep dark hole
Getting out of bed is always my highest goal
The cave I’m walking into has no end
Like all my thoughts just merge and blend
Into one big cluster of distracted sad
Like my happiness is defended by an ironclad
That I will never get through
Like I keep winding like a *****
Down through the wood getting all these splinters
And it feels like I’m stuck in long stream, cold lonely winters
I’m descending further and further into this pit
Maybe this feeling will never quit
I’m starting to think ‘sometimes’ is headed for ‘always’
To the point that I can’t get out of this mind maze
To be happy is to be lucky
But most of the time I feel quite mucky
To the ordinary eye this feeling is translucent
So I pretend to be happy just for your amusement
But it’s hard to keep up
Because it feels as if I’m about to burnup
Coming from within I feel the burning
My stomach always churning
It makes me sick to the core
Honestly I’m not sure what this is all for
But I keep fighting
But this feeling keeps striking
Knocking me to the floor once more
Beating me senseless until I’m physically sore
I don’t find this feeling fair
Because it keeps pushing me into despair
This feeling keeps me bound and chained
Leaving me drained
All I feel is this mental pain
From always feeling as if I’m as big as a grain
Compared to this feeling I’m small
As it pins me against a wall
After starting all these mental wars
It tends to lock all the doors
To the point of no escape
And the second I think I saw sign of a hero’s cape
It blinds me
And tosses me to sea
To drown in my own misery
Causing all of my mental injury
And I feel like it will never end.




Other times I'm fine and dandy
R B M Jan 2020
I think it’s okay to slip up once or twice
Maybe even a third
Or fourth?
Even if it’s the same mistake you’ve already made
But it makes it worse when that slip up
Needs a lie to keep it protected
A lie to keep others from suspecting
That this little slip up is anything more
Than a slip up
A drawback
A relapse
No one needs to know
More than that
No one needs to know
That this slip up
Isn’t just a slip up
But a major colossal set back
That is only pushing your thoughts
Back to the moment
That you locked in a box
With chains
And buried in your backyard

No one needs to know
That this isn’t just a slip up.
R B M Jan 2020
I want the pain, not the scars
R B M Jan 2020
I love it when
In the middle of your chorus class
You break down crying
Because today is the day you pick songs for comps
And you knew it was coming
And you sit back
Debating whether or not you should go for it
Pick a solo

And while you're there debating this,
You slowly realize
That you're not good at singing
You'd fail so easily
You're so bad at it
And you don't deserve a solo
And you'd literally break if you failed
And so you shouldn't
You just shouldn't go for it
Even though this--singing--is one of the biggest, most important things to you
You sing every day and music is practically your life
But you don't believe in yourself
So yeah, you just shouldn't go for this moment

And you hadn't even started crying yet
You are just slowly getting there
Slowly realizing that you **** at this
You don't believe in yourself
But you hadn't started crying
Just on the edge
Of tears

But you do start crying because the last thing you wanted to do
Was talk about how you don't believe in yourself
And then your friends come over and sit next to you
And you can tell that they're expecting you to say something
Tell then why you look like you're about to cry
And then you do--- cry.
And you don't want to explain why

So you just sit there waiting for the last five minutes
Before you get to go home early
Crying
Shaking your head no, and crying
Because the one thing you want to be good at
The one thing you work so hard for
You don't believe in yourself for
R B M Jan 2020
I have scars on my arms
I've practically written the word pain in my skin
I've always been on the edge
Of either a cliff or a breakthrough
But I can never tell which one I'm on
So I never take the next step
I'm just stuck on the edge
While blood runs down my skin
With my eyes closed
...Or open, I'm not sure,
I could just be blind
But I will never take that step
I will never risk taking the drop
R B M May 2021
The only words
My mother has ever spoken
That actually stuck in my brain
It shouldn’t be this hard
R B M May 2021
I'm sorry
I'm a nice person and I'm sorry
Because I keep forgetting  
That being nice stopped being important
To everybody but me after elementary
I'm sorry
Because I keep forgetting
That I'm made the villain  
For doing the right thing
R B M May 2021
Another day
Another year
And still I'm stuck in place right here
A lifetime left, with life you won't get
Why you instead of me?
R B M May 2021
It's okay, you don't have to love me
Because if I'm being honest as can be
I've never loved myself anyway
So if you can't see through this filled ashtray,
It's means I'm not worth the time
But it's okay, I'll be fine
R B M May 2021
I thought I’d be strong enough, but it looks like I’m weak
I thought I was smart, but I guess I’m just dumb
I thought I would manage, but I just keep crashing
I thought I’d be different, but I’m just the same
No one wants me, not even myself
I’m not what anyone thought I could be
I’m just the square trying to fit in to the circle’s spot
Too clumsy, big, rugid, and different to fit my own expectations
I said I’d be fine
But I’m not…
R B M May 2021
I’m tired of disappointing you
Because every time I disappoint you, I feel disappointed in myself
I’m sorry that it’s hard for me to talk to you
And easier to talk to people that have hurt me over and over
I guess I just tend to trust the toxic people more
And maybe I’m tired of feeling like my pathetic “issues” are stupid to you
Maybe I’m tired of feeling like I can’t talk to my dad anymore
Without you snooping through the texts
To find something to get upset about me not telling you first
All I want is for your support in my decisions
For you to stop babying me
I’m almost an adult and you're still telling me what you think I need to do
But I feel like at this point I need to figure things out for myself
And first learn how to go through with what I think is right
Before I go through with what actually is right
I’m supposed to be learning
But all that I’m getting anymore
Is the feeling that I’m an even bigger disappointment than the others
Because the fall is a lot worse when you start from higher up
I’m sorry I’m losing your faith
R B M Nov 2019
I read this sentence like I’m shouting from the rooftops
I LOVE YOU!
I read this sentence like I’m whispering in your ear
I love you
I read this sentence like I’m missing you five minutes before you leave
I love you
I read this sentence like you’re the only one that makes me happy
I love you
I read this sentence like I need you to hear it
I love you
I read this sentence like it’s only meant for you
…because it is...
I love you
R B M Nov 2019
There isn’t a whole lot to say at this point
It’s not like you listen anyway
No matter how many tears I shed
It won’t change the fact
That my problems don’t matter to you

I can go so long
Without thinking a minute about you
And then something happens
And my mind slips
And you enter the scene

You shine so bright in my eyes
Even when I’m hating you
And every time, the tiniest things
Draw me back to you
And makes me believe again

But you always find a way
To turn me once again
Back to ignoring the fact that you even exist
Because you take all my happiness away
And make my life hell, even when heaven is your kingdom

It has come to the point
That I don’t feel like talking about this matter anymore
You’ve never listened to my problems
So why should I listen to them either
There just isn’t a whole lot to say at this point
R B M Nov 2019
I hate the breeze
Bringing soft chills
I hate the sand
Filling between my toes
I hate the salty smell of the ocean
Stinging my nose
I hate the laughter
Ringing in my ears
I hate the beach
Symbolizing the end of summers
The annual day trip
Not that I don’t mind the school year
Love it actually
It’s just the anxiety of going back again
And feeling like the chalkboard has been erased
Feeling like all you’ve accomplished has gone down the drain
Because the stress of the new year comes
I can tolerate stress
I like to stretch myself thin
Adding so many things to the top of the mountain
To stay out of my house longer, and more frequently
It’s just the anxiety of going back again
R B M Nov 2019
You’d think I’d be okay by now
But I’m still feeling broken
I feel like I’m the porcelain doll
That the creator just can’t repair
R B M Nov 2019
343440000 seconds on this earth
Seems like  enough time to figure your life out
But here I am
Still lost
R B M Dec 2019
How is this even possible?
I have been so unhappy for so long
And then you show up
And somehow I can’t help but smile.

Today was bad
Every aspect
And then I saw you
And felt a smile stretch on my face
Not the fake kind that I use
When I think your problems are more important than mine
The real kind
The kind I can’t control
You were the happiness boost I needed
And it lasted all day

I’ve been told that I shouldn’t let my happiness
Depend on another person
Especially a person who could decide to leave
At any moment
But with you I can’t help it
With you it’s so easy
With you nothing is fake

I was told that my longing for full contentment
Will never be fully fulfilled
But you fill my happiness over the brim
And put this smile on my face.
R B M Oct 2019
Umm...
Undermining
My
Mind
Dot of the unsure
Dot of the lies
Dot of the worry

Not sure whether to raise my hand or not.
I know the answer, but...
Flashing memories
Of all the name calling
Of all the crying
Of all “I’m fine”s
When really I’m not.

Not sure whether to tell the truth or not.
I know what I feel, but…
Flashing memories
Of all the screaming
Of all the hiding
Of all the “I feel good”s
When really I don’t.

Not sure whether to show the pain or not.
I know where the pain is coming from, but…
Flashing memories
Of all the fake worried faces
Of all the anxiety attacks
Of all the “I’m okay”s
When really I’m not.

Umm…
Undermining
My
Mind
Dot of the unsure
Dot of the lies
Dot of the worry
That moment of hesitation.
R B M Sep 2019
I don’t remember ever being this happy.
Or at the very least I don’t remember being happier than this.
Who knows, maybe I’m just focusing on the bad parts of life too often.
But I’m not right now.
Right now I’m so happy.
So very Unnaturally Happy.

It’s weird because I feel so full, even on the worst days, that smile makes my day.
And it feels even better when I smile right back.
I feel loose, I feel free, I feel like I need to savor this feeling because maybe it won’t stay long,
But here I am now, I’m so happy.
So very Unnaturally Happy.

I don’t think that phrase will last.
I don’t think I’ll be Unnaturally Happy for much longer.
Maybe never again.
One day, maybe soon, it’ll be normal.
I’ll just be so happy.
So very Happy.
R B M Oct 2019
The page is still blank
I can’t think of words
I can’t put my feelings out there
This God awful white
Needs to be painted
But I can’t find the right color.
R B M Sep 2019
Stop!
They don’t really like you.
They are only being nice because of who your family is.
They’re using you.
You’re not good enough to have real friends.
How could you possibly think you were good enough?
You’re too weird.
One day when your family doesn’t matter they’ll drop you with a snap of their fingers,
Just.
Like.
That.

Hold on!
Your mom doesn’t love you.
She has every reason not to.
You’re your father’s kid, girl,
Just having the same genes as him could probably get you kicked out.
You ***** up to much, such a disappointment.
She has plenty of kids, you and your brothers aren’t needed to make this family work.
She has a handpicked child, and two more that are perfect,
Red hair, taller, bigger, better, and simply not a McKay.

Wait just a second!
He doesn’t actually think you’re pretty.
You know you’re ugly and the glasses make it worse.
He is tricking you.
No one will ever truly like you.
You’re not pretty enough, smart enough, cool enough.
Face it, you are just one big fat fraud.
And even if someone actually did like you,
They would change their mind quickly because you’re messed up.

I hope you know, everything is your fault!
God gave up on you, that’s why I tell you not to pray, you are beyond repair.
Your parents’ divorce, not having friends, not being pretty, me, it’s all your fault.
I’m in here screaming at the top of my lungs, diverting your attention, because of you.
And I will never leave, in fact, as you grow up, day by day I’ll add.
Self-doubt, Anxiety, Depression, Loneliness.
And they won’t leave either.
We will always be here, reminding you that you’re a failure, and won’t ever be enough.
...Until you stop trying...
R B M Dec 2019
There are days that I look at my favorite blank wall
And i start to whisper-yell
(I’m screaming on the inside,
But I whisper-yell)
I say all the things I was going to say today
(Should have said,)
All the things that I could have mentioned ****** me off
But didn’t, today
And I whisper-yell all the things that I want to say tomorrow
(Should say tomorrow)
But won’t say tomorrow
It’s easier to tell this blank wall what I’m mad about
Rather than lose friends over my temper
That is rising from their stupidity
That they don’t know exists
R B M Dec 2019
Why does anything matter?
Correction:
Why does everything matter?
Because I am still confused by this.
I shouldn’t have to care this much
I shouldn’t care at all
But somehow my brain
Is flying on autopilot
And I don’t know who turned it on.
But everything matters
Not one thing I did today
Didn’t feel the scrutiny of my thoughts
And I was left to cry about it
In the bathroom stall…

Why does everything matter?
R B M Dec 2019
Somehow, this dress makes me feel pretty
This hair makes me feel pretty
This makeup makes me feel pretty.
I think it’s just the situation for which I like it
Because every ordinary day
I would hate all of this
I don’t wear dresses because they make me feel uncomfortable
I don’t do my hair all fancy because it seems so pointless
I don’t use makeup because it makes me feel like I’m hiding
I don’t understand why a bunch of girls prefer this everyday
Because on the few special occasions
It makes it feel like it’s worth my time.
R B M Nov 2019
You are the Marshmallow to my Lilipad (How I Met Your Mother’s cutest couple)
You are the Jim to my Pam (The Office’s cutest couple)
You are the Gilbert to my Anne (Anne of Green Gables cutest couple)
You are the Harry to my Ginny (Harry Potter’s cutest couple)
You are the Hans to my Leia (Star Wars’ cutest couple)
You are
mine.
R B M Dec 2019
You know you’re a nerd
When you have your arms wrapped around his neck
And his mouth just inches away
Staring into each other’s eyes
And he says
‘I love you’
And you reply
With the best love quote
Known to nerd-kind
‘I know’
R B M Nov 2019
I’m worried
That you’re going to get annoyed
I can’t stop thinking
That how my life runs
Will annoy you
But that’s something I can’t help.
I can’t help
That I have to go to my dad’s house
Especially when I haven’t been in two months
And have to catch up on weekends
And I can’t help
That my mom is strict
And my phone usage is restricted
I can’t help
That I have anxiety over the tiniest things
Like being late to class
And I feel like you’re getting annoyed
I’m sorry
I really really am
You matter so much to me
But I’m worried that how my life works
Will annoy you away
And I don’t want that
But I don’t think I can change any of it
I’m still required to go to my dad’s house
And will be until I’m eighteen, probably will go still after
I’m sorry
I’m still living a strict life at home
And I will for as long as I’m related to my family
I’m sorry
And my anxiety controls me
And I don’t think that’s changing anytime soon
I’m sorry
But none of those things stop me from loving you
I’m just worried that they’ll stop you from loving me
I’m sorry
R B M Dec 2019
I could be okay by now
If I asked you to help me
Out of the grave
That I’ve been placed in
But I was taught differently

If only you let me hold your hand
And cry on your shoulder at least every once in a while
Because now when people yell at me
To grab onto something on the way down
And all I see is your hand
I can’t  grab it
Because you always told me not to

If only you let me hold your hand, mom

— The End —