Thoughts of blood and gunfire bouncing in a skull that has been damaged
To the point of no control, I wonder if I can fix the hurt and salvage
The more I try the more the skull ruptures, and the more hurt pours out
Yet I try to pull away and the skulls owner viciously attacks then strikes a pout

I'll try to explain and calm things down but it refuses for the skulls ways is the only way
And the only way is the wrong way yet the easier way is in the distance of the day
'My friends have betrayed,
The boys are afraid
And I am alone', but really, are you truly alone?

'I thought I could call some people friends
goodbye goodbye
I cant believe you've abandoned me
Goodbye goodbye'

Scream and shout all you want, you've lost the respect of the ones who cared
And the dagger and rose will stab through the hearts of those who shared
Babe take breathers all you want know that I'll continue to fear
For the skull and heart that you've tried to hard to hide and hold dear.

I'll try to explain and calm things down but you refuse for the skulls ways is the only way
And the only way is the wrong way yet the easier way is in the distance of the day
'My friends have betrayed,
The boys are afraid
And I am alone', but really, are you truly alone?

'I thought I could call some people friends
goodbye goodbye
I cant believe you've abandoned me
Goodbye goodbye'

If this is what you want
Then I will give in
I'm sorry the world isn't pleased

They keep asking me would you take him back
would you take him back if he did change his mind
Reluctantly I respond yes
reluctantly I know I'd forgive him in a millisecond
if given the chance
which I know will never come because of my
drinking habits
and reluctance to be alone for more than a couple nights;
I still can't eat
I still can't sleep
will this ever change or will I forever regret
letting him slip away

Years i thought i lost you found in me
Wasted days now count for things
I never thought they could;
One by one i let those shadows
Fade away,
Its true what they say
It'll all make sense
In the end of days..

Do you ever miss me
I wonder strung out on
whatever it is I've done;
Do you see me in crowds,
in the moshpits at shows
only for her to turn around
and let you down
just a little bit.

It’s there
Under all the scar tissue and bones,
the blood and muscles,
there lies something that has its own mind.
It overpowers your brain,
sends shock-waves down your spine,
and in the end, controls you.
No matter what you’ve experienced,
no matter what you know is ‘best’,
it only takes a single glance for your heart to go mad and turn against you
Love is cruel,
love is careless,
love is blind;

Somedays I don't see a reason to open my eyes
and force myself to go outside and socialize
with people who don't know me
and people that hate me
and people that really just want to break me

But everyday I wake up and pry those crusty eyes open
to tame my beastly hair and throw on pounds of makeup
to impress people that hate me and people that don't know me
and people that just want to break me
and I force a smile and a laugh as I walk into hell each day
standing upright, ***** pushed out, just to make them happy
but instead I get called a two-faced ***** who dresses like a ****
when all I do is smile and nod and smile some more
just so the day goes by quicker

And the worst part is, you can't leave this ******* hell
I come back to the confides of my home, to the purring of my cats
and the smell of my room and the squeek of my bed
And hell is still with me, it ******* follows me
I try and breath and step away but there it is on my screen
staring back, mocking me
and every night I ******* die a little inside because
no matter what I can't escape hell unless I'm drunk
or in a dreamless state of sleep

White
Drip
pink
Drip
Red
Splash
crimson
The only colour bath that cleans me of my sins

He drags me to the ocean and holds me under
watches me as I drown
then drags my lifeless body to the shore
pounds on my chest begging me to breathe
crying for me to open my eyes

Water spews out of my mouth as I gasp for air
I helplessly reach towards him
crying for him
thanking him for saving me
as he drags me back to sea and holds me under

I didn't mind the headache,
or the weakness in my stomach
when I opened my eyes this morning.
All that mattered was his hands caressing my sides,
down past my thighs;
His crooked half smile that made my heart swim;
His huge arms as they pulled me into him,
his determination to make sure there was no space between us;
His breathing as he slowly fell back to sleep,
and his soft whispers in my ear
as I drifted further into unconsciousness.
He
He is the one for me.

A single sentence
That's all it took for my heart to stop
A single insignificant moment in your life
That has ripped my heart in two
And now I choose
Him or you
Him or you

The continuous rise and fall of his chest
synchronized to my heartbeat.
My head, gently cushioned
between his collarbone and shoulder blade.
Our body temperatures reaching common ground;
I have slowly melted into your skin
past your entangled veins and nerve endings,
straight into your bones;

Hollow are my eyes
on cold October mornings
bare and waiting to collapse
at the slightest of provocations

Hollow grows my heart
in the dead of winters night
withered and longing for life
to be poured into it once again

But no matter how hollow or bare or tattered
whether the sun has risen or the moon has sprung
as long as there's blood left in my veins, I know
he'll always be there to make me feel whole

Friday
spent between bent knees
consuming the evening sun,
whiskey,
and burning skin among the bursting bubbles

Saturday
spent behind locked doors
consuming the razor blades,
40s of *****
and the pounding and pleading of them

Sunday
blurred
once in warm arms
then on a cold floor
consuming bottle after bottle
more whiskey
and charcoal

When the thought of a night spent in your own bed brings dread
for you'd be willing to wake before the sun
if it meant you spent the night with them;
That's when you know you've found the one.

I miss how much I cared about the future
Concerned about how the world saw me
And how I saw myself
But lately I'll admit that I've grown too numb
To care about the person others see when they look at me

I miss how things were,
When I thought I knew what was next
When I thought tomorrow was guaranteed
And could tell myself that things will only get better
Without blatantly lying through my teeth

I miss your laughter, still echoing in my halls
But its too late to say that I wanted you to stay
Here I am, wishing time to turn back
So I could tell myself to hold on just a little longer
So I can stop being filled with so much regret

I've built my walls out of clay
strong until the hurricane
that rushes through my heart and brain

Jumping off a bridge to no where
And you're the one who'll suffer
The ones I love they leave me
Writing an unsent letter

Without your answer
Ill forget you
You need to see I'm alone
Cant you see its true

Patently obvious to all eyes
Except yours
So you just give up
Give in, let go, saying no mores

I don't love him like I love you
You don't see me like I see you
I know she loves you
But do you

However long it takes
Ill tell my heart to wait

I am long endless nights spent locked inside with ***** bottles and strangers with running noses

I am hot summer days wearing jeans instead of shorts because the first rule is to not let anyone know and the second is to make double sure

I am the doctors test subject in an empty field far away from where he told me he'd take me

I am my fathers daughter, but I'm afraid if he came back he wouldn't recognize me any longer.

Was it really that bad in the end
Two days down and he's already found the one
you always knew he would
god you always knew he would
you bring them all down
you let yourself drown
pick yourself back up
before you try again.

The desire for his attention, it leaves me hungry
Am I perfect?
Do you love me now?
If I tilt my head this way, prop my leg this way, slur my words just a bit
Will it make me perfect for you?
Everything you wanted, I can fake it, just for you
But that’s my demise, isn’t it
You can only fake for so long till he breaks your wall and see’s your true ******* colours
Just don’t love me, it’s not worth it anymore

What is a home:
filled with friendly faces and lighthearted conversations
a place to rest your head at the end of a long day
where you warm your toes, shed your woes
oh how I wish I had one of those

Strangers stare and question her sanity
although she pleads her case on something else
the bags under her eyes everyday remind you of yourself;
Sunrises were your reluctant goodnight
to a drug fueled night alone again.
Back when your forehead was too big so you cut your bangs yourself.
Back when Bloc Party, no matter the song, brought you to your knees
to plead
and facebook stalking was reasonable considering;
Tell them the honest to goodness truth
it hurts for a while but then you'll love again.
That special someones right under you nose
even as we speak.
Something they never wanted isn't worth the blood sweat and tears,
so breathe babygirl because your second coming is now.

Twitch

Fiddling thumbs
I didn't read that
I didn't hear that

Twitch

it'll be okay right
crank the tunes and stare at a blank sky
no cloud in sight

Twitch

I'll be okay right?
they like me right?
I'm not alone right?

Twitch

it won't be the same
it can't be the same
no no no no no

Twitch

Before I met you
my lungs were filled with sea water
my brain left fried from ******* back lines
my heart was tattered torn and bruised
but you came in
took me in your arms
pumped the fluid out of my lungs
made me no longer want to feel numb
held my heart in tender hands
and made me feel whole again

I know the hollow
Blank state, empty smile
The way each day blends
And never ends.
Once in my eyes, they've
Flown to yours
And day by day
The hollow gets worse.
I've tried to solve the
Impossible
Unfixable
But we all know there is no quick fix
Just wait...
One day you'll feel
The air on your skin
And stare out your window
And realize its been
So long since youve run barefoot in your lawn
Just like that its gone,
Until then, hold on

Down on her knees
She sinks and pleads
For the chance to mend
What she's destroyed within

His Mind is torn
Between the two
Leave this behind
Or cave in

Thankfully for them both
Love always wins

You have to know
This sets me off
Into a never ending panic
You cutting me off
Short
Sending me away
Like before
No longer worthy
Of your thoughts
Or conversation even
What have I done now
Maybe
I am
Too much
To handle
Too clingy
Too needy
Too ****** in the head
And I've trapped you in the corner
With my constant problems
And need for you around
Me
I am
The cause
Of all
That is wrong

So

D i s t a n t

Is

what

I

Will

Become

I’m yours; not his.
He’s been long forgotten since I’ve gazed into your eyes
and had a moment of your time.
Don’t fret my love,
I've sewn our shadows together,
so even when we’ve reached a dark path
when we come out the other end we will still be one.
And I will never leave you,
I will never not try to make you smile.
I love you too much to let you go

I only feel complete when I'm in your arms
Or you gaze into my empty eyes.
As I think of ways to please you
I'm brought back to reality by you're lips on my cheek.
You're leaving me breathless,
And I'm sent hurtling
Head over heels in love.

Do you remember the times spent sprawled across your bed
when we never noticed or cared when the sun had set
how you'd trace patterns into my shoulders
and I'd pretend to fall asleep;
anything to memorize how it felt between your sheets.
I miss the fire in your eyes when you craved my flesh
I miss your unforced smile, the scent of cigarette on your breath
it feels like weeks have gone by since I last felt your kiss
I guess it's the life in you, that's what I miss.

I want to melt into your skin
past your muscle mass
watch your veins
pulsate
with the prodding tune
of your heart

Sit and count your virtibrae
while you contemplate our lives
with roots dug deep
intertwined in ways
that make lovers weep
with envy

I like to pretend the world is mine and everyones in the palm of my hand
Or just in my pocket waiting to be let out.
But the earth revolves around the sun,
Not the moon, not my dreams or hopes or my own self,
No
The world revolves around the sun,
Not caring about anyone on its ****** surface,
Not caring about a single ****** soul.

I've been fighting
The devilish tongued liars
All night
With the door locked tight
Pitch black in the corner
Back towards the truth tellers
Who refuse to speak louder
Than the hum from a lightbulb
Thats filament has long since shattered;
I know its there
Somewhere
But its dark and my backs still turned
And my ears can only hear what has been said towards my face

Have fun?
What is fun without you
the ringmaster who leads them all to me
the conductor of my social life
without you, I'd have nothing that stays for me
even my best of friends
are performing what's laid out by their puppeteer
outings and events
invitations only sent because you're going
and what is left when you aren't there?
Simply nothing
And who have I to turn to when you're gone?
Simply no one
And what have I to give to them?
Is there anything I can give to them?

Imagining a day without you has proved to be impossible
You've grown under my skin,
Whether you're a main artery
Making sure every drop stays within my veins
Or a vital *****
My back up brain when mine chooses to backfire
And i am terribly selfish for needing you so
But i'm afraid i cant let you go

He’s got a hold on me
Teeth gnawing on my organs
Gouged from the seams
Dripping down the street
Sheets drenched red
And all that shows
Is a blue and purple blended bruise

I never sleep

it really *****

so I stay up all night

staring at a screen

wishing someone else who never sleeps

could come join me

and hold me tight

till we both fall asleep

or just till the sun rises

Sleep
Before the sun comes up to get you
Or your inner demons are released
And wreak havoc to those around
Sleep
Before those demons start to control you
While each day and night twist into one
Driving you closer the the edge
Sleep
Before the moon replaces your lover
And the sun is the only one able
To reveal your pain to others
Sleep
Before your last wish is to be able
And finally with the barrel to your teeth
You've been granted eternal slumber

I've painted my lips with poison since an early age
Figuring it will prevent heartbreak
Yet when love came around, the tactic backfired
The poison was hooking them one by one
And I laughed as they dropped like flies
I laughed and walked away
Leaving a trail of damage behind
I laughed

Do you remember the summer?
the parties, fireworks and sand hills,
the laughing and screaming the crying and cuddling
your big arms squishing, and lifting and dragging me
splash pads and beaches and forts in your basement
and taxi rides home early because we just couldn’t wait;
the nights we remembered and ones left all hazy;
We used to be happy...

I feel like I was hit by a truck barreling down
while I was dancing in the highway praying nothing would hit me
but obviously, eventually, it would happen
somewhere deep in my gut I knew I'd get smashed into pieces
but I couldn't face reality, and slowly
slowly my time ran out

I feel ***** when you call out my name
it's a shame
'cause you make me ***
but you can't make my heart race
and you kiss me hard
but you don't leave me breathless
you can stroke my cheek
but it won't make my hair raise

'cause at the end of the day
when you cry out my name
all I'll say is it's a shame
that I can't love you the same

To you I'm mans folly yet
You're my melancholy ;
Who wins at what's worse

I just want to feel whole again

strong again


Some semblance of what my parents once thought of me

some semblance of anything before they touched me
and tore me shred by shred


there are things that I wish we could change about our daily
but here I am chugging wine and telling you things are

fine

"You have old eyes
Eyes older than twenty two, simply based upon
the depth of those crow's feet criss crossed around your eyes;"
You old alien soul, how you found me I'll never know

silent defeat
down rosy worn out cheeks
once my moon has risen
to its highest peak;
where are your rough fingertips
to wipe away my storm?
pulling back the blinds
to block out your sun.
Sleep now before they wake
for your night has reached its end
and mine has just begun.

I sat on my bed
staring at the floor
Face blank, mind racing, searching
Till I got this urge,
This shiver down my spine
this clawing at my insides
these whispers in my head
So I went to my window
Tore off the screen
Sticking my head out in the summer breeze
Stared at the trees and the birds and the leaves
And tried to imagine what flying would be like
What crashing would feel like
What my head would look like
After I jump face first out my window
Into the rock garden down below.
I sat there, on my window sill
One foot dangling over the edge,
the other touching my carpeted floor
Trying to decide whether or not tomorrow was worth living for.

For days I lay in bed,
diving into the sheets we calmly swam within
trying to cling on to what has been
alas each time I wash these sheets
I lose a piece of you with them.
Now comes the time when I count down the days
from now, till then
in which we'll go for a swim again.
Until then, my love
I'll memorize each moment
until then, my dear
and pray for longer ones to come

Maybe I'm just ****** in the head
that's why I'm never happy,
I give, they take, I get nothing in return
but a fake safety net if it all crumbles
"but I gave you that" "remember that one time.."
sure I've done a lot for them
but the scales are never balanced
once someone calls it quits