I won't run from
This commitment
If she'll have me.

We could be good
I know
We could be great.

But I am frightened
And starstruck
I'm deeper than planned.

I want to make
Her smile
All throughout the day.

I wonder, if I'd killed myself before I met you, if we'd both be happier now
I'd take the first chance at a do over
I constantly wonder why I chose to do things like this
I constantly want to run as far as I can
As far as the next train station
So that I can stare at the mocking signs
That tell me to keep off the tracks

I wonder, twice a day, three days a week, how you'd react if I simply stepped past the yellow
How much of my blood would replace the yellow safety line
Would everything end in an instant
Would I feel pain
Would I have time to regret
To be as intensely sad as I am now
Would I have the wherewithal
To apologize in my head
But not with my lips

I consider everyone who passes me by
Perhaps they'd love me like this
Perhaps they'd treat me like that
Perhaps maybe possibly somehow
But I have no wishes at home
At home inbox them away and stare at nothing
And feel my heart beat itself to an early death
And wonder
What could possibly
Be taking it so long.

I don't want to be here.
I'm terrified to go.
But that's mattered less, lately.

I could drown in this silence
It washes like a wave in me.
I could write a book on this silence
I bury my mind into it deeply.

I could paint a picture of this laugh
It's horizons and purples and soft pinks.
I could paint a picture of this laugh
It's a warm home on the porch with soft drinks.

I could act out a play on these songs
They're sleep and rest and life and joy.
I could act out a play on these songs
They're calm and open and all I look for.

I could build a mosaic of these words
Little drops of sunlight and constellations.
I could build a mosaic of these words
Unknown places on long vacations.

I could find my muse in this place
Inspiration and frustration meet and part ways.
I could find my muse in this place
Creativity and contentment meet and stay.

I bleed like any other human
It's still a novelty to me.
When a knife kisses my wrists
And cries red streams.

I'm intrigued by the sight of it
Bright, crimson lines.
That tingle ice up my arms
And down through my spine.

It looks like freedom.
Like drops of life on the bathroom floor.
It feels like liberation.
When I'm done the blade cries, "More."

It smells like failure.
Like the copper tang of lies.
It smells like promises.
Smells like the words, "I'll try."

It sounds like a hospital.
The sound of my mind eating itself.
It sounds like a diagnosis.
Like the crackle of a bottle of pills.

The skin on my inner left forearm
Is puckered, aching, and irritated.
There are fifty-two raised lines there
That I've carefully counted.

There are thirty paper towels in the bin
That are stained red and pink.
The knife in the cabinet and the counter
Have been freshly scrubbed clean.

I am not unhappy.
I have no reason to do this.
I have no excuses to give.
I just want to see red.

I'd give my soul to you
For a chance to say goodbye
For a chance to say I love you
One last time.

I did, will, and do love you
Hello and goodbye my friend
I did, do, and will love you
Until we meet again.

I don't need a miracle
To make me smile
I don't need a comedian
To make me laugh awhile

I don't require much at all
To see the little things
That make life worth living
That make gifts worth giving

I don't need money to ride a plane
And at the world, take a look.
Because with a book, I can fly
And see every cranny and nook

I don't need fame to feel love
I don't need Twitter followers or Facebook
Because when I'm with my friends
I've got more than enough

So go on and have your
Superficial wants, but when you're finally ready
Come over to where I live
Where life is true, fun, and steady

Where the sun is shining
So we go outside
And horses are lovely
So we take a ride

Where instinct is action
And plans are no more
Where we laugh and play
'Till we can't anymore

Join me here in this world
Join me in a land of sun
Where we're all filled with love
And never judge anyone

I think of love as a small home
With furniture well-used
And the clutter of life
And the smell of fresh food.

I think of love as a silouhette
In the dark of night
And whispered words
That ring true in daylight.

I think of love as long silences
Broken by the turn of a page
And loud, simple contact
And losing track of hours and days.


I think of love as a furrowed brow
As an angry shout and a sharp word
And a fist strinking out
And hurt, hurt, hurt.

I think of love as broken promises
And vitriolic, secret thoughts
And discontent never to be voiced
And doors that never unlock.

I think of love as a gilded cage
And a small bird that will never get away.
I think of love as predators and prey
I think of love as vulnerability.


I think of love as a downturned head
And silent submission
And an authoratative stance
And the will to listen.

I think of love as the catalysm's calm
As a word in a hurricane
That stops a million, million thoughts
And halts a crashing train.

I think of love as a private comfort
And rare affection
And overwheleming pride
And jealous admiration.


I think of love.

"I'm not looking for anything right now."
Because I'm focusing on me
I don't mean to lead you on
But flirting is fun and if you like me
I'll treat you like the one.

I will never reject you outright
If you never say it yourself
I don't mean to lead you on
But the game is fun and if you want heat
You can slow-cook yourself.

I don't want to go on a date with you
But it's cute that you're asking
I don't mean to lead you on
But jealousy is fun and if you look at me
You'll see my hips swaying.

He likes me like you said you do
I'm not answering him either
I don't mean to lead you on
But competition is fun and if you want me
You'll fight till you're the winner.

"I'm not looking for anything right now."
That's technically true
I don't mean to lead you on
But lies are fun and if you push hard enough
You might just pull me into the mood.

It is now that we feel the uselessness of our effort
It is now that our moral fades and retreats away
It is now that we wrap ourselves in memories
It is now that we surrender and lose our pride and names

This is the defeat of hope and optimism
This is the cutting down of what was good
This is what happens when one faces a legion
This is the doubt of what was and what should

And so the land is barren and we walk barefoot
And the sun roasts us alive and we drink our tears, our blood
And so the people who did win are happy and rejoice
And so the people who did win have found riches and love

We are the defeated who surrendered in the end
We who realized that, no, we really can't.
We are the defeated who surrendered to reality
And so the winners may laugh whilst our feet burn on sand.

Go home, I'll be there*
You say with a smile.

I can't quite make my smile look real.

That's not my home
That's not my place
I'm not comfortable there
Or with you.

This is just a house
I walk in and wipe my shoes
I try not to eat too much of the food
I don't go outside of where you do
I try to make as little an impression
I keep to myself and speak when spoken to

This is only a home to you.

This house doesn't feel lived in
It's sparkling and pristine
There's not a speck of dirt
Or any item out of place
And I can't even sit down
Without feeling like I've sullied something.

Stop inviting me here.

Stop trying to make me one of your own
Living in a clean little box we mistakenly call home
Conform to society and live a cubicle-based life
With a white picket fence and a family of no more than five

This isn't a home
There's no sign of life
And I'll never return as
This is just a house

I wonder, at times, if you regret.
Perhaps you wish you hadn't woken up in time
To catch a swinging hammer as it whistled through the air
And subsequently saved my life.

Do you wish you'd told him one time less
Not to **** me as you walked away, swaddled in blankets?
From that filthy scene, from his hands wrapped around my neck
From my strangled gasps as I fought to breathe.

Do you regret defying your doctor's warning?
He'd told you, your first pregnancy was a miracle, be satisfied
Do you wish you'd simply nodded and taken that to heart
Went home with your first baby and followed his advice?

Do you ever believe his words: there's something in me that must be beaten out?
You kept me from death despite all my tries, the whole while telling me to go
You firmly believed I should live, if only to assuage your guilt
Do you wish, just once, you'd told me "yes" instead of "no"

Do you wish you'd let me go?









I do.

I am happy in life and with the people I know
But I am not happy with you
I wouldn't go back for the world, wouldn't change a thing
But I'd never begrudge it of you.

If you went back, would you erase me, the stain on what could've been family?
Would you rip me from your perfect life and beg forgiveness for being cruel?
Or would you decide to, once again, not be my savior or mother?
With all due respect, if you would, you're a fool.

Friends we are
Friends we will be
We began as such
It's now habit for me

Friends we were
But you want more
You'll never confess
I'll never implore.

I'm addicted to my habits
And friendship is habitual
If 'friends' lasts awhile
I'll stick to the ritual.

So catch me fast
Before 'more' is scary
And make it last
So you'll always have me.

I imagine your hands dwarfing someone else's and the image puts something bitter on the back of my tongue
I imagine you sweeping back hair that doesn't curl rebelliously at your fingers, insisting your hand stay with them
Words wet with dismay stick to my dry throat and if I could cough them out thered be nothing but different configurations of "stay"
I imagine your lips covering some spectre of a woman who is not me and I am amazed by the vastness of my hate

I remember the warmth of your chest as you pressed into my side, crowded me to the table, and my heart leapt into my throat
I couldn't think past awareness of you, felt you down my spine and into my shoes
That little was enough to do to leave me gasping
I'd be frigid if I insisted I could ever do without it

I remember kissing the mouthpiece of a roll and inhaling acrid smoke and you pressed the tip of your spliff to my lips before I had finished coughing and
Chased smoke like it was an ever-distant horizon vanishing into my chest
I am a ruined woman, stuck dreaming and waiting, there's humiliation that comes with this sort of infatuation

You get me tense, keep me constantly on the precipice of something, torso dangling over a railing, always threatening the possibility of free fall
I can hardly deal with my day to day humanity, the depravity you spark is beyond me and my meager means of processing

You look at me and I feel distinctly underdressed, publicly indecent, unnecessarily yearning as though I've never once known decorum
I fumble as I rarely do, trip over words like they're untied shoes, and my heart is imprinted under the press of your thumb
I've caught myself often wondering if I am merely imagining the heat of the summer and I am roasting in your company
My skin oversensitive, my heart aches with fresh burns, but when you leave I freeze and claw you back to me

The way that my mind, ever caterwauling, overthinking, shaking is so immediately quiet and still to give your voice room
That the world narrows to a point and the buzz of reality fades and I can focus on you
That the fear I cradle is smothered by the weight of your consideration
There's so much that qualifies as perfection that its unfamiliarity makes me consider running from whatever it is brewing between you and me.

Because I'm sick of deep
Bored of emotional
And the 'touching' poems put me to sleep
I'm tired of the tearjerkers
That used to make me cry
Exhausted all the fast workers
That made it hard to sleep at night

So if you're looking for something deep
For an endless well of wisdom
You won't get it from me
I've made my share of those and then some
I'm retiring from the business
Of poems that hit the heart
Because my heart's a bit black and blue
So I'll find another art

Perhaps I'll make you laugh
With silly little tales
Perhaps I'll make you mad
Until you rant and rail
On how bad a writer I am
But at least you'll soon see
That no matter what I do
You get no tearjerkers from me

You want to ponder yourself?
So be it!
Do so when I'm not around
Because when you start spouting philosophy
I'll be the first to skip town
So if you're just as sick as me
Of all the contemplating frowns
Pick up the happy script
And put those sad poems down

i am in an odd mood
more down than i've been in awhile
and i want to reach out to poetry as the tried and true outlet
but

my pen won't write, the inkwell's dry, the paper's blank, my mind is fried.
a sentence too long, a nonexistent rhyme, a mixture of words without a beat or time.
i've forgotten my words, they're all left behind, i've received apathy in exchange for my four four time.
and i'd ask for help, i would, i swear, but the words all stick in my throat.
before i can voice a single concern it's been buried on the wayside of the road.

so here i am with this ****-poor ditty and thoughts that plague my night
and the only excuse i can give for them both is that i cannot ******* write

I had an idea
It starts with an 'E'
I had an idea
It was all for me
I had an idea
So bright in my head
Like a Kodak moment 'click'
But now the ideas' dead

I had an idea
And everyone wanted to know
I had an idea
As beautiful as snow
I had an idea
Pretty as can be
I had an idea
And it's all for me

I had an idea
Like music on the wind
I had an idea
Like freedom from sin
I had an idea
As tangible as brick
I had an idea
But now I've lost it

"I'm sorry"'s and "forgive me"'s
Never rang less true.
I'd rather forget those I can't latch to.

There wasn't a dynamic, it's not intrigue
I wrapped myself up in your harsh words
Because I wanted to bleed.

If I could analyze this feeling
I'd say there's no feeling here at all,
That you were a passing fling.

I'm sorry that I'm not sorry for this
I don't have friends, you're not an exception
Just another number on a long, long list.

I see a galaxy of useless things
That I've set aside time to worship.
Bags of organs, blood, and meat.

If the boredom wasn't quite so intense.
If you could have pinned me down.
If you could have held my attention.

If I cared more for you, if I cared for you at all.
If I never got tired of your words.
If I never grew weary of answering your calls.

Would I respond better to commands?
-I have my theories on myself-
Would I thrive with my decisions in your hands?

If I cared for anything.
If I could feel more than amusement.
If I was less unsettling.

If I could curb the violence.
If I could put in the effort.
If my comfort wasn't found in silence.

If.
If.
If.

If I could remember artistry.
If I could fill these words with meanings.
Alas; sociopathy.


Insanity

I get low sometimes thinking
We aren't and never will be the same
But then we get to talking
We remember all the good times
And I remember why I fell in love

In love with your smile
In love with your eyes
In love with laugh
In love with everything you'll ever be
In love with what you are to me

I'm in love when you're angry
Sad
Happy
Confused
Amused
I don't care

Because when I remember just what we've been through
I remember why I always have and will love you.

It is crowded.
People bustle and laugh and speak.
Each of them have lives and dreams and hopes and pains
Each of them have friends and family and love and are loved and
I am alone. I feel lonely.

Please help me.
Words die on the tip of my tongue, incinerated by the lack of a listening ear and
Thoughts die before they form for lack of conversation and
I am alone. I feel lonely.

I feel as though I am spinning into a magnificant crash landing and
Only vibrate to a stop when I am wrapped tightly in arms and
Feel the emptiness crush to a compacted version of itself and
I am alone. I feel lonely.

I stop breathing occasionally and panic when I can't remember how to inhale and
I wonder why I feel relief in those moments, just behind the terror and
I scold myself because I was never brave nor cowardly enough to and
I am alone. I feel lonely.

There was a time when I would bleed emptiness onto my floor and
Slice into my skin with a knife as dull as the world seems to be and
Starve it out of my body with a determined for of will and
I am alone. I feel lonely.

I am empty, exhausted now, too tired to coax the void out of me and
I can no longer remind myself that things will be better as they are not bad and
I instead stare into space and wait until my closed eyes will not reopen and
I am alone. I feel lonely.

She was attractive
To me
Even when she was taken.

Sometimes
I just
Lay on my bed
Crying as I recalled
The many ways you
Showed me you hated me.

Help me
Because I feel it on the edges of my mind
Help me
Because it's ripping, shredding, devouring my kind.
Help me
Because it's so close, always just a step behind.
Help me
Because it's only a short matter of time.

Help
I'm after myself,
Help
I'm a danger, evacuate!
Help
Preserve my mental health,
Help
I need to rehabilitate.

My problem is my brain
Oh ****, it hears me now
It's always searching for ways
To make someone bleed somehow.

I'm going ******* insane
Someone hold me down
And tie me up with chains
And make me settle down.

I don't know how to fix this
I'm losing my grip on myself
So to anyone who's reading:
I'm serious; please help.

Imagining things
I'm never going to do
Reading a book
Eating some food

Lonely
Depressed
Motivationless

This will work out
She and I
Are good together.

Even though I fear
Her life
Ever fading far away.

It's time for a beginning
I have
Very high hopes.

If you decide to read this
I've spelt
Out your name.

I want you to know
I don't
Plan on leaving.

It's a peculiar feeling
The feeling of giving up
One second you're trying
The next, you've had enough.
Such a peculiar feeling
Of resignation, of being done
So here's a two-week notice
I'll be gone when day fourteen comes.

It's a peculiar feeling
On the edge of the mind
When you're brain reminds the heart
It's on borrowed time.
Such a peculiar feeling
For determination to dry
And shrivel, and crumble
And fall from the eyes.

It's a peculiar feeling
In a bad kind of way
It's a peculiar feeling
And I felt it today.

Because, perhaps, with a rhyme scheme, your words will mean something.
Because, perhaps, your words won't fade like the memory of you in a century.
Because everyone listens but doesn't hear at home.
Because no one listens or hears at home.
Because someone you know may read and understand.
Because someone near by may read and love you.
Because someone may care enough to ask.
Because it's the only way you're brave enough to tell.
Because a response may chase away the loneliness for a second.
Because someone may disagree with how little you think of yourself.
Because you can't express what you're feeling.
Because you can't articulate what you aren't feeling.
Because you want to scream.
Because you want to cry.
Because you want to laugh.
Because you want to love and be loved.
Because you want to die.
Because you want to sleep.
Because you're restless.
Because you're listless.
Because you're lost.
Because there's too much order.
Because there's to much chaos.
Because it's cathartic.
Because it's painful.
Because you're lonely.
Because you want a friend.
Because you want ***.
Because you're proud of being broken.
Because you're ashamed of being broken.
Because you're jealous.
Because you're hateful.
Because you hate yourself.

Because there's nothing else you can do.

Look your best for death
Before you drown in a fairytale
You've marked the date with an 'X'
In red on your calendar
You plan to sneak out that night
And you've butterflies in your chest
But you've just got to have this date with her
So look you're best for death
"I love you's" are for the dead.

"I'm okay," I whisper, stubbornly forcing my jagged edges back together.
"I'm okay," I murmur to my favorite knife, and it believes me as much as I do.
"I'm okay," I tell my ceiling, and count the breaths I'm still taking.
"I'm okay," I insist to my reflection, and I pretend I believe it is me.
"I'm okay," I mouth to my computer, and it distracts me until I believe.
"I'm okay," I think, and I do not believe myself, so I will say it once more.



"I'm okay," I whisper, stubbornly forcing my jagged edges back together.

I will reach out the same hands I used to push the world away
And grasp to it like a child
Do not leave me alone right now or I will cease to exist.

I will fade, eventually, one day, maybe; but I will not fade like this.

I will shake apart into the billion pieces I ripped myself into
And scatter myself in the wind.
If I am apart, I cannot, all at once, be yanked from my body.

There's is no pull but the one I feel, I know something's got me.

I can feel the panic creep up my spine and constrict my lungs
Hold my hand please
I am not ready, I don't want to leave again, I can't endure another crash.

I curl into the tightest of ***** and pray this moment will pass.





I would that you, someone, would make me real.
I have tried and failed.
In this moment, I exist and I believe it.

Tomorrow, I will float above myself and know.
I will know we are all a lie.
I will question why I pretend at living and try to cease it.

Paranoia will cover my brain and tell me the truth:
None of this is real. I am not real.
But I would like to real. I would that you, someone, would make me it.

I am bleeding but not dying
I want to go but am not trying
I'm reaching but not flying
I'm screaming but not lying.

I feel something bitter at the back of my tongue when I see them
We both know I am tethered here now, will do nothing, am bound.
But jealousy burns in my chest like bile and hisses, demands to know when
We both know I have no answer, no timeline for my touchdown.

You think I won't, you know it, I've been here so long
You think I care about a promise whispered in a heartbeat.
I want to rip out my esophagus and wind it round my lungs
I want to peel back my skin, carefully separate my veins, and bleed.

What am I doing here?

I cannot, will not, I refuse to live.

Yet here I am without you
Breathing.
Smiling.
Speaking.
Working.

I hate it.

If you knew where you were going, why didn't you invite me?
I would follow you wherever you said you wanted to go.
Instead I sit on empty promises and hang onto life and my mother's pleas.
I will tear apart my mind and body and bury myself in winter's first snow.

I am not okay.
You are not here.
I am not there.

I cannot fly.






Help.

When my bones and joints creak
When my voice can barely leave my throat
When my head aches for hours on end
When I need more and more sleep

When creativity is a chore
When I'm too jaded for the word "love"
When success feels like an if
When fun isn't fun anymore

These are just little reminders
Life's way of warning me
I don't have all the time in the world
Even though I don't know what to reach for

Just those little signs
That whisper, "you're getting older"
Just enough to bring me down
And remember the hands of time.

We live in everyday
Where beauty is a must
To garner respect
And kindness is all but non-existent
And character is expected to be genuinely fake
Where one must subtly give less than they take
Where all is fair if you're not caught
And the bad ones are good
And the good ones are not
And the people live in fear
Yet they aren't aware
Where the children dream of bells
Trudge to the next class
Until someone rebels
Fire, smoke, then ash
And we live here daily
And we search to be happy
Yet how can we be
If this wasteland is our home?
Happiness is a state of mind
That the mind itself rarely recognizes
And so we'll search for what we've already got
And find it we will?
No, find it we'll not.

I can't think, these days.
Every moment to myself is spent
Contemplating
A hundred different ways.

I can't move, these days.
Nothing matters, nothing catches my
Attention
Or makes me want to stay.

I can't breath, lately.
Cigarettes are a slow suicide so I'll
Quit
Once I have the energy.

I can't speak, lately.
I pick up the phone to put it down
Again
I'll call, just wait on me.

I'm tired now.
I'm exhausted, squeezed dry.
But I'm still breathing.
Unhappy but breathing. Unsatisfied.

I'm lonely now.
I'm estranged, all alone.
But I don't want company.
On my own, Unconcerned. Home.

I'm done now.
Completed, a finished piece.
But I should be more.
Failure. Useless. Finis.

This is my box
Stay far away
You don't fit in here

You look different
You speak different
You don't fear what we fear.

Find another box
One that fits you
A box with people like you

I have friends in other boxes
Please don't tell
They're different, and they're weird too

I like them anyway
But I can't really get close
Because their boxes aren't near.

I wish I could leave
My box sometimes
But I can't break the fear

I hate it
I hate you
I hate it there

The people
Their talking
Their ways

I hate it all
I hate you all
Abhor, loathe, despise

I hate it there
But you make me go
And I hate you for that

She scared me with
Her disregard
Of her own life.

Every day I wondered
If she'd still
Be here tomorrow.

I'm looking for friends
In this net of strangers
But when I reach out
No one answers

I'm greeting everyone I see
In this massive web of shadows
But none of them acknowledge me
Because I'm disrupting the natural flow

But I'm still going to hold out a hand
And hope someone will hold theirs out too
When I'm looking for friends, I don't want to be alone
So who will take my hand, will it be you?

Is it you within that smile
That shows so very fake?
Is it you behind the pages of that book
And no one sees your face?
Is it you behind the crinkle of your eyes
Are the lines from laughter or tears?
Is it you behind these expectations
Your voice that no one hears?
The world isn't waiting
The world cares not at all.
The world isn't waiting.
You choose to rise or fall.

She will be searching for people
To keep at her side for the rest of her life.

She won't find any of these people
In her head, but that's where they thrive.

She will be searching until she finds
Beauty in the deepest of senses, in the best of ways.

She will be disappointed, come up empty handed
For the rest of her days.

Everything I do
Every word I write
Every hour of work
Every dream in sight

I do it it for them
I write it all for them
I work because of them
I dream only for them.

A smile, a kiss, a hug
Repayment in the fullest.
A laugh, a simple touch
Makes it all worth it.

Every step I take
Every breath in my lungs
Every move I make
Every word I've sung.

I take it for them
Breathe for them
I move for them
I sing to you.

I'm waiting
   For the number
       On the scale to




Disappear.