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208 · Aug 2018
Fake
Panda Aug 2018
It’s all just white noise
Screeching in my ears
It’s all just porcelain colors
To ease this pain of mine
But it ceases to make a difference
It’s all so fake
Fake to make me happy
Fake happy
Fake hope
Fake for our sake
But it’s too late
Don’t take the bait
It’s all fake
I’m too late
181 · Aug 2018
Alone
Panda Aug 2018
I’m tired
I’m tired of waiting
For the day I will no longer miss you
For the day I will no longer think,
“I lost everything”
For now I’m alone in this hell
149 · Jan 2019
Gone
Panda Jan 2019
She’s always smiling
Never cries
At least not that you can see
Because she always lies...
In front of you, shes the happiest she could be

But how much of that is true?
And how much of that is just to stop the worrying from you?
You can’t see her long nights
When the pain becomes unbearable
When the fight doesn’t seem to end
When it seems that nobody cares
And she can’t find any air

See, the one thing you didn’t notice when she stood right in front of you,
Is the long sleeves
And you never knew
Her way to cope, was to cut until she could finally breathe
Every drop of blood was a relief
And if only you knew how sorry she was every time she fell asleep

But it doesn’t matter now
She’s gone now
No warning or anything
She left everyone wondering, “how?”
Because she seemed the happiest
She seemed the strongest
But don’t believe what it seems
Because she couldn’t take it any longer
And simply wrote, “I’m sorry”
136 · Jan 2019
Dear Forgotten Love
Panda Jan 2019
Roses are red
Violets are blue
My life is still painful
Even without you
See, you brought all this pain
But you brought a lot of happiness too
And to be truthful,
I may always kinda love you
In a special way that no one else knows
I’ll keep it locked away
But for today, here goes.
I’ll always love your smile, even if I only see it every once in a while
And I’ll always adore your eyes, even if they’ll never lock with mine
And of course I’ll never forget your hair, even though you used it against when I said I didn’t care
I can’t forget your voice, simply because its the most beautiful noise
I’ll always laugh at your style, cause you couldn’t dress to skip the mile
I can still imagine your lips, incredibly soft, a heavenly bliss
To this day, I think of the freckles on your face, only adding to your grace
Because you always talked like you knew a lot
But I was the one who got to know your thoughts
I can still remember how perfectly your hands fit in mine, beautifully intertwined
But I can’t quite forget your hug, kind of like a soft drug
I’ll always smile at when you made me fall in love for much longer than a while
I can’t seem to forget the way you used to do It
Because all you had to do, was say “I love you”
And that was enough, because I never liked to bluff
But after all of this, you left me with quite an abyss
Because you walked away
But maybe you’ll come back one day
104 · Jan 2019
I have to go
Panda Jan 2019
I love you dearly
But it’s my time to go
Whether you care or not will no longer be for me to know...
Because I have to go
We had quite a good run
But now I’m numb
Not because of you
Or what you’ve done
Just all of it combined
Has led to to a place I cannot escape
I hope it’s alright
All this and I know you’re not fine
I know well enough to worry each night
But my time is simply done
I’ve finished what was needed
I’m no longer loved
I have no place here in this world
But just remember you are loved
If not down here, always from above
I’m only hoping for someone to come
Anyways, this is much too long
I love you
And thank you for the songs

Sincerely, the girl you once saw
68 · Feb 2019
Here
Panda Feb 2019
There can be too much
Overwhelmed
I can’t see
I can’t think...
There’s too much to worry about
Too much pain
Too many people
Too much noise
Too much light
Too much of everything

But there’s another side
Where there’s nothing
Nothing to think
Nothing to feel
Nobody there
Nobody to talk to
Nobody to save you from yourself

Or these monsters in your head
Because they never leave
Nothing feels right
Focus on something
Remind yourself to breathe
My heart won’t calm
My breathing is too rapid
I can’t see right
I can’t feel
Where am I?

I can’t breathe
I can’t see
I need help
I don’t want help
I want someone to talk to me
I don’t want to talk to anyone
I want someone to care
Why would anyone care?

But I always get yelled at
People get mad
For me thinking nobody cares
For me not being happy
For me relapsing
I try so hard
And I’m so sorry for disappointing anyways

There’s 2 voices in my head
Pushing against each other
Arguing constantly
24/7
Nobody can hear them
But they scream in my ears
And it’s why I can’t hear anyone else
I can’t hear them when they say they care
I can’t hear them when they give advice

But why?
Why me?
Why do I suffer?
Why do I feel everyone’s pain?
It’s not fair
I deserve pain
I deserve this
I’m horrible

But I could change
Shut myself away
Stop talking
stop smiling
Stop showing up
I could stop existing
But it wouldn’t stop the pain

So what would?
Could he?
Would he?
Or maybe just dying
Who would care?
Certainly not me
I would be gone
So who cares?
Why am I here?
Where is, “here”?

— The End —