january
110
I’m scared
To Relapse & Stay Stuck
To give up recover
I’m scared to
Look at you and walk away forever.
To just not care wether you believed I truly loved you.
I’m scared
For my love to be trapped
For all My strength to be gone
Lose it all ,

---

1218
I need something
Right now.
I don’t need anything
But I crave for a runaway
To run right tf now
I don’t need , I want
What I want are terrible things x
Fixtures to a faster end
I’m tired , I’m so so tired
This ****** life I cycle

-----

Untitled
I’m proud of you
For all you’ve reached & conquered
I’m so proud of you
For the person you’ve become
I remember the first time I seen your face so enlightened.
It was the day you Got your first job
Oh did you forget?
Who listened to your Pain
The days you’d come home angry
Feel so upset & self hate .
Believed you were worthless

---
march 2017

I’ve Relapsed Before.
These feelings are different though.
Been relapsing Frequently.
Not Once or Twice.
Full binge tweaking.

I don’t know anymore.
I’ve gone to far
Idk where I stand
I feel I’m going soon
Where to ?
My familiar home.

---
jun 23

Shut up
Yeah it don’t matter
To me like before.
Yes yes whatever you say ,
Of course because of me.
All my fault
I’m to blame
I’m to be hated .
Oh yeah darling I don’t care.
Uhuh sure believe I
never loved you.
Go on keep telling me how much more I prefer drugs .
Yup yup
What else?
Ohh more insults ok
Yeah continue on
Ok ok & ok.

---

it hurts
The pain is too much.
These drugs aren’t enough
To numb them completely.
It’s tough , I need something
Real Fuckinn rough
To relieve me
From my broken heart
..

I’ve fallen to my knees
When I cry
I look up at the sky
Begging god
To please Help me see
Clearity and the path
To the life I deserve.
One Filled with happiness
Laughter, Comfort , Love .
Dk idk

---

-
All I wanted was to be & feel
So loved By him.
Did everything i could ..
Forgave him many times for things I shouldn’t have but I gave him many chances because I couldn’t see my self ever hating him .
I love him so much despite everything.
My tears won’t stop Dropping .
I don’t think I’ll ever stop crying
This hurts so much
I’m truly broken
Idk how to explain how deep my pain currently is.


==

August

My journey To recovery,
Has been extremely devastating.
Ive been walking alone.
Doing this all on my own.
No one to grab
no one to hold.

The Clocks ticking
How much longer will i hold?
Looking around, im lonely.
Im Pushing forward
Solo
Its going to hit me soon
Turning my head to see the one w
I

NOTHING...
September 2017
What can I say .
Im Heart broken, I Relapsed & I'm Lonely Again.
It's interesting, I was Feeling These emotions from the start.
Nothing's changed
Besides my heart, it got torn apart.
It's official Dead.
I Will feel love for no one .
What a shame .
Now It's The drugs I Will consume  To fill in All my empty spots.
Funny how people feel dissapointed .
they become angry at me .
Saying how could I go back to this.
It's Wrong &

-----

I’m sorry
I couldn’t Stay dedicated.
Couldn’t get off drugs completely.
I’m sorry
My Drug use impacted
My present with you.
That I couldn’t manage to Keep my problem just to myself.

Knowing What I became
Brings a lot of disgust to your face.
The last thing you ever imagined..
Was to end up with a druggie.
I’m sorry
You were cursed & Brought the opposite of what you desired.
I know I’m far off
Your Type & what your
attracted to.
Im so sorry.

I feel bad because
You never made yourself aware.
I wish to go back in time
& Explain to you What Being an addict was & How difficult I’d become Once I’d get sober.
How my mind won’t function accordingly, how much of a mess I turned into.
I wish to go back & Explain well to where you’d back off me.
You never Expected
That my problem was really going to be a big deal ..

I know You wish to have
Been Inlove with a previous girl.
I know you’d wish
Your 1st love turned out to be
The one you’d marry.
I’m so sorry you ended up
With A terrible downgrade.

I’m deeply sorry
For not being stronger.
I held strong Through all your insults & Hurtful things
You’d tell me,
I held strong when I
was just your toy
Being told
“we will never be anything”
I held strong through all the rain & thunder you put me through before we got together.

I assumed
Being your girlfriend
Would change Everything.
We’d start fresh & be
happily Inlove.

That’d I’d be able to let go
Of all the hurt & move on
Having a strong loving
bond with you.

We Then Got Together
I even committed to
forever leave drugs.
Because I was serious on making us work & leaving behind all things that Made us impossible.
A new chapter
Filled with smiles & laughter
A fresh start.

So I had thought.
Little Had I known
Getting together
Wasn’t the answer to
Anything.

I remember
When a the word relapse
had A meaning .
When I’d Explain what it
Meant so you can be aware.
Told you what tempts me
What are some triggers.

I Expected You to
View it as a 911 call.
To help me when I’d fall.

You never payed mind
To the importance of it.
Just like you Didn’t think
Telling you I had an addiction Was something that bad.

I remember when
You Made your own definitions
To all the words I’d tell you.
I’m the one struggling
But you always made yourself the victim when it was me who needed attention, apologize, comfort & to support me.

Temptation & triggers
Have no meaning.
You never cared to look after me.
It wasn’t something you’d have to be 24/7 about.
You never questioned your negative actions & how that’ll provoke me.
You never cared until

A Relapse
Meant I Used because
I wanted to get high.
Finally You show importance.
Not in the way where your concerned if I’m ok & hoping that hit didn’t cause harm.
Concerned to where you stood by my side & talked on why it happened & what can we do to prevent it again.
instead , a relapse means
Talking **** to me , making me feel bad , blaming me, making yourself feel like I betrayed you
Feeling so angry saying I don’t love you & love that more.
You abandon me & go m.i.a
When you were the cause of why i couldn’t handle feeling hurt etc

I remember when
Relapsing made me feel guilty & so bad because I failed you & disappointed you.

I remember When
I’d tell you I’ll never be honest on my sobriety , confess or hand over paraphinillia .
For me to do the opposite of what I swore I’ll never do.
All because it killed me to lie & hurt me to see you stress your mind on doubts if I’m clean or not.
All For what ?
For you To talk **** to me when I confess about relapsing, for you to call me drug addict & insult me calling me Druggie tweaker etc
When I’d Hand you things
Etc

Me Being honest to you & open with my recovery only
Damaged me more.
What I gained wasn’t support.
It was money being thrown at my face telling me to go get high.
Calling me drug addict in many insult full ways.
You made a joke out of
my struggles.
You’ve never been there for me.

How far the meaning & value of relapse once meant.

A relapse now means nothing to me when it comes to you.

Being true to you
Only back fired.
You use it as leverage
To insult me more & have negative things to reply.
“I wouldn’t know, you kept
it from me before” etc