Confused
That is what I am
About everything
That has to do with you

Because I know
You will never want me
Because I'm not your type
Nor am I a typical girl

But even so
I have to say this
Because if I don't
I'll end up telling you everything

Your smile is like a cold
It's contagious if you get too close
But unlike a cold
It draws you in

Your voice is like the sun
It fills me with warmth
But the minute it's gone
I become cold again

You hugged me one time
And it was like nothing before
Every bad feeling just flew out the door
That's when I knew I loved you
But I cant say a thing

So
I will observe you in painful silence
And cherish every word
Every gesture
Every glance
Every feeling
Hoping one day
It won't just be me
Feeling this way
But I know that's just a stupid fantasy

So every night
And every morning
I'll stay in silence
And put on a mask of false hope
And cover my mouth with restraining lies
Until one day I falter

Until that day I will lay awake
Every night
Thinking of you
Because you occupy my every thought
And keep me awake with thoughts of being called yours
And
Every morning
I'll wake up tired
But with hope that
Maybe I'll see you today
Maybe
Just maybe

Theres a key to a room in a place I call home
Or a more fitting name
House

There's a key to a room
And that room is mine

I do not live alone
I am not old enough
I live with my parents
And my brother
And a pet
Although
I wish to have two

So why is there a key to your room?

Well because
You see

Once upon a time ago
My own father
Stole my soul

Wait for you
That's what I'll do

I'll wait for you
For however long you need me too

Cause I can't imagine
Losing you

His hand on my leg
On the back of my thigh
As I lay on my side

No
Please go
Bury the memory
Alongside all the others

He comes in my room
A place he shouldn't be
While I'm peacefully asleep

No
Please don't
But I've already forgotton
Because I didn't even know

He sneaks into the house
When he should be home at his own
Uninvited but unafraid

No
Please leave
Wake her up so she notices you
And makes you leave once more

But thing's don't happen the way I wish
So instead I'm here
In bed
Trying to sleep for a little
When I no longer can

So I wake up and remember
Just a little snippet
Of that night
And I know once I remember more
I'll lay on the floor as I whisper

No
Please
Don't

I scream into the empty space beyond
"I'M HERE"
But all I hear is my own scream echoed back

I scream out loud
But there is no sound
Except for my own echoes
In my head

Its dark
Empty
Cold
Crushing
And you're the darkness

You're the darkness and he let you back in
With his harsh words
And zero remorse or genuine conviction of care

You're all around me
You completely surrounded me
I can't run
I can't hide
For its endless
And I'm tired

You completely surrounded me
As I drown myself red
To add any colour to this dreadful dark
But it's so dark that nothing could hope to ever see
So the red flows black
Nothing but a feeling
Fleeting
Eating me alive

I scream
"PLEASE HELP I DON'T WANNA DROWN"
But all I hear is a soft voiceless echo
As my cries leave my mouth wordless
So all that can be heard
Is the silent echoes
As I'm swallowed
Now gone

I’m falling
Not physically
But mentally

I know you want to catch me
I know you want to save me
But you can’t anymore

I have fallen too far
I have fallen
Past the ground
Past the clouds

Wait-
That’s up

I thought you said you were falling?
I am

I’m not falling down though
I’m falling up
Because I have fallen so far down
I have gone past the middle
And started falling up

Now
I am up
In space
And I can’t breath here

Physically I am still here
In my bed
At my house
With my dog

But mentally I’m in a void with just me
Nothing else
Just me and the darkness that holds me captive

Physically I can move
Mentally I’m stuck

Physically I can scream
But mentally I’m held back

Physically I can speak
But mentally all I can speak of
Is the easy
Never the true

Physically I’m alive
But mentally
I’m

LOST

I want you to hold my hand
And along with it
Help hold my fears

I want you to hold me close
And keep me safe

I want you to kiss me
Like the minute I go
You'll miss me

I want you to make me smile
And make me laugh
Like I never have before

I want you to let me hold your hand
And help hold your fears

I want you to let me hold you close
And keep you safe

I want you to let me kiss you
Like the second you go I'll miss you

I want you to let me make you smile
And make you laugh
Like no one ever could
And no one else ever will

I want my heart to be yours
And yours to be mine
But maybe it's too soon

So I'll wait in the shadows of your smiles
And hope one day you fall for me
The way I have fallen for you

Away from here
Away from you

Away from that
Away from this

Every time I find someone I love
One of us leaves in one way or another and I'm left in need of repair

Will you leave me like the others?
Thats whats going through my mind

But
I dont want to lose you
Like I lost them

Because you treat me right
You dont just throw me to the side
And give me attention when its convenient for you

You dont want me for my body and you tell me no when I need to hear it
Even if I dont want to

But this all scares me
And today
I let it slip
And I told you the truth
I told you I love you

I didnt want to
Not because I dont want to love you
Because I do
You're a better person than alot

But
Now that I've told you
The urge to push tou away is much stronger
Because what if I get attached again?
What if I become completely infatuated?
But then you leave?

And that thought is scaring me

At ten years old you sit down at your desk
Your friend notices a scratch on your arm and asks
"What's that from?"
"I don't know. I must have scraped myself on something."

At twelve years old you sit down at your desk with scraped knuckles
Your friend notices and asks
"Whats that?"
"Oh, I fell. It's nothing."

At thirteen you sit down at your desk with three scratches
Your friend asks
"What's that from?"
"My cat scratched me a few days ago"

At fourteen you sit down at your desk with nail marks in your arm
Your friend asks
"What did you do?"
"I don't know. I did it in my sleep"

At fifteen you sit down at your desk with a really wide and deep cut
Your friend asks worried
"When did that happen?"
"It happened yesterday. I fell off my bike"

At sixteen you sit down at your desk with several wounds
Your friend doesn't ask you what happened

At seventeen you're not at school
Your friend gets told by the principal that you committed suicide on Saturday
On the next Saturday your friend 'falls off her bike' and has several cuts
Or so she tells her new friend
The story repeats and begins again

Your name to me is dad
Or father
But thats not how it feels in reality

I dont want to call you that
And it physically hurts me to
Because of all you've put me though

My pain stems from you
My tears stem from you
My heartbreaks stem from you

Every broken part of me is because of you

You touched me one night
And stole my innocence

You hit me one time
And stole my confidence

You shame me for the friends i make
Just because of race
Or maybe because they arent strong
Arent smart
They aren't good enough to you

And by doing that you make me afraid to hang out with them
Because if i do
Im afraid

Im afriad you'll hate on them
Or maybe ryu will

Im afraid you'll call me stupid
Or *******
Or any other thing
Just because they dont fit your standards

You make me afriad
Not of others
But of you
And i have a good reason to be

So no
You are no longer father
You are no longer my dad

You are no longer my family
You're just a name in the wind

I feel as though I'm empty
And as if my feelings will overflow

I feel as though I love you
And as if I cant feel at all

I feel as though I want to try
And as if I've given up on life

I feel as though I want to see you smile
And as if I want to erase it from my mind

I feel as though you made me happy
And as if you broke me apart

I feel as though I feel too much
And as if I don't feel at all

I feel as though I want to be alone
And as if I never want to let you go

I cantradict myself
And my feelings when it comes to you
But also when it comes to me

I wish to not feel this way
As you dont feel this way for me

Missing you
And along with you
A part of me

You have a piece of my heart
And I have a piece of yours

We traded
So now we must keep the others piece safe

Otherwise me and you
Will both break

I wonder why schools teach us past
Not present

They teach us old
Rarely new

They never ask us what we want to do
They dont base what they teach
On who we want to be

They teach us the things they 'think' we need
All the while disregarding who we are
Individually

They base our grades on how much we pay attention
But if you're like me
Too creative to follow standards
Too creative to be the same as every other person
Your mind won't focus
It'll wander

I wonder why we have to all be the same
Why we have to 'fit in'
In order
To be noticed
In order
To be "cool"

The world is teaching us that in order to succeed
We must be the same
As every other person before us

But I will not live by society's teachings

You ended things
Because you couldn't handle a relationship
At lest that's what you said

But really
It was because
You didn't love me

So stop with the lies
And tell me the truth

Because
I no longer
Want to hurt

I thought that I would lose myself before I lost you
But I was wrong

One night I accidentally pushed you too far and your demons claimed you
They took your soul and they took your heart and they damaged you one last night

I thought that I would lose myself before I lost you
But I was wrong

For you are now gone and I have lost a part of me along with you

Follow me
Follow them

Follow this
Follow that

Fall for her
But not for me

Fall for him
But not for me

Round and round the cycle goes
People only liking people
For show

I love you
Is a monster
That I'm scared of
But am trying to face

I love you
Is a monster
With the ability to tear me apart
Until I'm nothing but an atom
Or quantumly gone

I love you
Is the monster
That stands in my way
Whenever I allow myself to feel the words
That I say

Its massive
Covered in flames
Thorns
Blades
Horns

Its leering
And its sticky
With all sorts of things that can hurt
And break
And shatter
And maul
Me into nothing
Stuck all over it

It overshadows
My entire being
And it roars into my ears
Until I can hear nothing less
And nothing more

I stare at the monster
And I want to run
To flee
To curl up in a ball
And be
Invisible

But underneath everything that makes
I love you
A monster
Is a beautiful creature

I love you is a monster
But only because of what it's covered in

I love you is a monster
But only because of whats stuck to it

I love you is a monster
But only because of how the monster hurts

The monster is burning
And covered in tar
And its got thorns
And blades
Stabbing into it
So it roars on pain

But because I'm afraid
I love you is just a momster
Not a hurt creature

I see that now though
And I'm trying to get close

Close enough to put out the fire
And wash off the tar
And take out the thorns
And the blades

Close enough to uncover the fluffy fur
And wrap its wounds in bandages
Care for the burns
And all of the damage

Close enough for it to show me
Its beauty
And enshroud me completely
Giving me warmth
Instead of trying to pass on the burning flames

Close enough for it to show me
Its beauty
And enshroud me completely
Giving me gentle
Instead of stabbing and harsh

But I'm sorry
Because I'm scared
So I love you
Is
Just
A
Monster

Hold me close
Keep me safe

Wrap your arms around my shoulders
Wrap your arms around my waist

Hold my hand
Pull me close

Make silly jokes
And make me smile

For when I smile for you
My smile is true
And when I see your smile on your face
All my fears and doubts
Are erased

Hello
This is me

I am seventeen
But sometimes I age regress
And can be
Much younger than perceived

I am short
And small
But I don't mind
As it makes it easy to hide
And confine myself
Within small spaces
Or up in your arms

I go for walks
Late at night
When most people are peacefully
Wiithin a dream
As I drown within
The music I hear

I collect stuffies
And all the broken bits
Of my heart
And soul
So I don't become empty

People use
Abuse
And re-use me
But I still only want
To see them happy

I collect memories
Within a box
And my gallery
Afraid one day
I'll forget about my days
So I collect and keep them safe

I was never truly a kid
For I was only ever trapped
In thoughts of escape
But I've found that
No matter the place
Things are still always the same

I trust animals
One hundred precent
But people are always lacking
A small precentage
Even though I give them
Every piece of me

I am innocent and sad
Collecting onsies
And stuffies
And cuddling whoever will

But also impure and numb
Collecting trauma
And broken dreams
And feeling the touch of wandering hands
In places they shouldn't be

Theres something about you
Theres something there
That's just
Different

When you hugged me I felt like I was meant to be there
I felt like I belonged
Theres just something right about you

When you looked me in the eye I felt safe
I felt like I no longer had to worry
Theres just something right about you

When you kissed me I felt free
I felt like I could stay like that forever
Theres just something right about you

Theres just something
Something that tells me yes
Its telling my heart
Its telling my mind
And its telling my soul
Its saying yes
And theres no doubt in me that you're the right one
The one I was meant to go through the pain for
The one I was meant to meet

But
That scares me
So hopefully
I don't push you away

What if I kissed you?
Would you kiss me back?
Or push me away?

What if I hugged you and held you near?
Would you pull me closer?
Or hold me at a distance?

What if I wanted to call you mine?
Would you call me yours?
Or walk away?

Dizzy with anxiety
Sick with fear

You cry tears of faded dreams
You cut with forgotten wishes

Memories fade as new fears invade

You swallow the poison in your words as they burn your throat

You choke on broken faith

You throw up bad memories in a pile at your side then hide them in blankets of false hope

This poem is beautiful yet destructive
Jut like you

I was told
Time and time again
That theres no more reason to be scared
I can sleep in peace

But time and time again
Everyone who ever said
Those words to me
Got proved wrong
Along with me

So now I lay here and wish to do
Everything to flee
The capture of sleep

Can I please
Just eacape reality for a day
As I lay on the floor
Drowning in music
And every memory of before

Let me escape reality
As I bleed out
Behind a closed door
And fade away

Let me escape reality
As I burn myself
And stare at the flame
Mesmorized by how I made it
Through the day

Let me escape reality
As I bite myself
As I have no other way
To feel the pain

I want to fade away
From reality

I want to watch the blood
Drip down my arm
My thigh
Or any other place
Shy of view

I want to watch the flame
As it turns my skin white
And burns the thoughts away

I want to watch the bruise
Form on my skin
When I bite myself
And it splits apart from within

When I harm myself in many ways
I can escape reality

When I watch the blood
It mesmerizes me
With the way it flows

When I feel the burn
It soothes me deep within
As the only thing I can think of
Is now the pain
And not the painful
Memories

When I bite myself
My thoughts numb and dissappear
As I dissociate
From reality

Music isn't loud enough anymore
I can't write enough poems
Your cuddles make me insecure
And drawing is too much effort for me to cope

I get used
In many ways

I get used for touch
I get used for lust

I get used for comfort
I get used for my love

I get used
Day by day

And no one cares
How broken
I'm becoming

Because
Why would anyone care
About a toy?

Don't tell me
I'm not a toy

Because if I wasn't
Why am I treated like one?

Honestly
Tell me why

I don't want to be used
To be a toy

I want someone to hold me
Cause they wanna keep me safe
Not cause they want comfort
Not cause they feel lonely and want someone to hold

I want someone to kiss me
Because they can't resist
And cause they wanna make me happy
Not cause they want pleasure
Not cause they want more from it

I want someone to hold my hand
Because they want to
Because maybe they like making me feel safe
Not because I like them and they don't wanna be rude
Not because they feel bad for me
Because of my past

I want someone
To love me
And all my broken peices
And not be pretending

I cant breath
When I imagine
How you used to
Look at me

I can't breath
When I remember
The last words
You said to me

I cant breath
When I remember
How you threw me away
Without a care in the world

I cant breath
When I remember
All the times
You didn't want me

I
CANT
BREATH

Please
Just set me free

I dont wanna live with
These memories anymore

I dont wanna suffer
Every night
When I remember
Exactly how your touch
Felt

I cant handed it
NOT ANYMORE

Please
Just let me go
Set me free
From all the memories

You watch
And you wait

You wait for an opportunity to strike
But not through eyes of your own

You watch and you wait through the eyes of others
And of cameras conveniently placed

You watch and you wait behind false walls of safety
For you fear the actuality of potentially being caught

So you flee the front lines and watch from afar
Through the eyes of others watching in fall

You wait for me to falter
To waver
To crack
But I won't let it show

I won't show that I'm always on edge
Waiting for eyes to be following me
Across the ledge of privacy

I won't show that I'm afraid
To step away from this home
Where even in safety I feel scared and alone

I won't show that my heart breaks Whenever someone tells me they'll try
To do something to you

For I know they cant
And they may never be free if they try
Because deep down
I know
That you wont hesitate to hurt
Maybe even to ****

Even though I may
Waver
Falter
Then break

I wont show it for when I do it'll be
My own silent escape

Ive been trapped
And stuck
Ever since I was little
Other than
Those
Little tiny snippets of
Normal

Age 3
Staring at the cars
All in a row
While they yell
In the background;
Stuck

Age 3
In the grass
On a sunny day
With all the room to play;
Little tiny snippet of normal

Age 5
I cried and cried
As my only friend
And our dog
Died;
Stuck

Age 5
On the swing
Reaching way up high
To touch the clouds
Watching me
From the sky;
Little tiny snippet of normal

Age 7
Late at night in a campground
As I hear people shout
And break things
Not so far from me
But I just needed the code
To the bathroom
To ***;
Stuck

Age 7
At the beach
Feet in the sand
Face all red from the heat
And water in my hair
As I laugh with a random stranger;
Little tiny snippet of normal

Age 8
Moving to a house
And thinking its great
Until the knife marks
Blood stains
And undergarments
In the fire place;
Stuck

Age 8
Finding the rockface
And seeing the first sunset
From my tall mountain advantage;
Little tiny snippet of normal

Age 9
Feeding me lies
As he steals my soul
And anything I ever had within;
Stuck

Age 9
Camp arrowflight
Smores
Friends
Games
Sunburns
And sleeping under the stars;
Little tiny snippet of normal

Age 10
Blades across skin
Blood dripping onto the floor
From my wrist
And from within
Places he shouldn't be;
Stuck

Age 10
Friends houses full of
Laughs
Smiles
Fun toys to be a kid with
And many places to explore
With our imagination as our feet wander
Anywhere beyond there;
Little tiny snippet of normal

Age 12
Running into the night
Afraid but free
As I walk for hours
Until my final destination
Where I stay
Until found;
Stuck

Age 12
Finally moving in with a friend
And the family
Seeing peaceful
Not dysfunctional;
Tiny snippet of normal

Age 13
He defiles my body
My boyfriend to be
But I love him
So I'm his;
Stuck

Age 13
Exploring new places
With a new family
Smiles on our faces;
Tiny snippet of normal

Age 14
Back again
Back with him
Because you love him
So you're his
And so am I;
Stuck

Age 14
Exploring a ravine
Free
And calm
With music by my side
For the first time
My own;
Tiny snippet of normal

Age 15
It happens again
But this time
I dont bleed from within
Just from my thighs
And my wrists
Before I escape;
Stuck

Age 15
Moving in somewhere new
Cuddles and games
And kisses
And so much soft affection
From you;
Little tiny snippet of normal

Age 16
You cheated
On me
I scream and I kick
I hate you
Get away from me;
Stuck

Age 16
Walks to the store
Inside jokes and park runs
Full of smiles and laughs
And we finally got a cat;
Little tiny snippet of normal

Age 17
I must once again flee
As I am blamed
For the truth of another
And they all
Want me gone;
****

Age 17
There isnt a little tiny snippet of normal.

Age 18
You defile me
And she allows it
As she loves you
So she is yours
And I must be too
But you're not the same love
As before
No
You're new;
Stuck

Age 18
Applying for my own money
Getting new supports
Getting better help
Finding people who love me
So I am theirs
But this time they don't know
My reasons
As they never force it;
Little tiny snippet of normal

Age 19
Youve done it again mom
Found a new love
Who declares me his
As much as yours
But this time
I stay away
And you keep him
At bay
But you're suffering;
Stuck

Age 19
A month away
Practically on my own
A lifelong dream
Trips with my own money
To places that make me happy
And a new friend
Who likes me
For me;
Little tiny snippet of normal


These little tiny snippets of normal
Keep me going
And keep me sane
But everytime they disappear
So does my hope
Of getting away

Little tiny snippets of me
Fading away

I study your every feature
So that I can embalm it in my memory

I do up your buttons as you ask
But then undo them again
So that you'll ask me all over

I kiss you like its my last breath
As I consume every ounce of you
Against my mouth

I carress your skin
Feeling every bump
Every curve
Every flaw
In hopes I don't forget you
Within my soul

I touch your face
As I drink in how your skin feels
So that maybe I can feel it
Within mine

I give you every left over ounce
Of my emotional availability
So that you can remember me fondly

I give you every left over ounce
Of my love and affection
So that you can remember me
The way that you loved me

I know this is it
I know you'll be gone
So in our last moments
Let me embalm every inch of you
And engrain it into me
Before I'm gone

It's only been about a week
But I can already tell
That I'm falling for you

When you look me in the eye
My stomach fills with butterflies

When you hold my hand
I feel safe
And as if
I never wanna let go

When you pull me close
I feel warm
And as if
I want to hold your heart
Close to mine forever

When I hear your voice
My face flushes with excitement
And I feel as if
I want you to never stop talking

When you play the bass
I get lost in thought
And I feel as if
I could stay right there forever

When you comfort me
I feel understood
And I feel as if
I could tell you anything

I know it's only been
About a week

But my heart feels as it
It's falling for you

I love the time I spend with you
It makes me want to do better
And it makes me want to try
And do things on my own
With you watching
And guiding

I loved cuddling under the bridge
Watching as it rained
And dripped a bit on us

I loved kissing you that first time
It made my heart melt
And made me feel warm inside

I loved when you played with my hair
You did it with such care
When I never even asked you

I love when you stare at me
It makes me feel shy
And a little pretty

I love when you rub my arm
And my back
It makes me feel comfortable
And safe in your arms

I love laughing with you
It makes me feel free
And mostly at ease

I love making you smile
It makes my heart warm
And makes me feel worth it

I love your hair with all its floof
Its cute when it gets in the way
And I have to move it to kiss
All the sadness away

I love the way you make me feel
As if maybe I can keep going
And finally be real with someone
Without having to worry

I love when I get to hold you close
It makes me feel wanted
And like you're okay with me wanting you

I love when you laugh
At all the small things I do
Even when I have to just wonder why

I love seeing the way you feel
When I look you in the eye
Because I know it's not bad
And I don't have to worry

I love all the smiles you bring to my face
It takes only a small amount of effort
Of just being you

Only a house
Never a home

When someone tells you, you have a lot of people
But you still feel so alone because you've only ever had a house
Never a home

When someone tells you they love you but you still feel worthless because you've only ever had a house
Never a home

Only a house
Never a home

Surrounded
But alone

Loved
But worthless

Cared for
But self reliant

Only a house
Never a home

Eventually forgotten
Eventually gone

Look a little deeper
Look a little harder
Then maybe one day you will see how broken this world
has come to be

Smell the air around
Breath in all scents
Maybe one day you will smell the sour smell or rotting
souls

Touch the world around you
Feel the cracks and bumps
Then maybe one day you will feel how broken she's
become

Listen to the world and the people around
Then maybe you will hear all the people screaming
for help
And maybe you will start to hear the minds of the
restless

Taste the bitter sweet flavor of sorrow
Taste all the blood in the air from all the battles
against ones self
Then maybe one day you will taste your tears
as you cry

Why everytime theres a smile on my face does it have to be erased?

Why everytime I make a friend does someone make me feel like it shouldnt be?

Why everytime I laugh does someone have to discriminate me?

Why
Is
The
World
Against
Me?

Every night I flee
I flee the place most would call home
For to me the place is just a house

Every night I escape
I escape into my mind
While music follows close behind

Every night I drown
I drown in every feeling I've ever felt
In the feeling of unconsensual hands
Brought on by the memories in my mind

Every night I go outside
Into the dark as it holds me tight
Closer and safer then any person
Has ever felt

I can be me
I can be free
But thats honestly
Scary

I think of all the times I said no
And the times I couldnt speak

I think of all the times no ones listened to me
But then they treat me like I never said a thing
And I become a problem

I scream in my mind
Feeling left behind

I claw at desperate feelings
Of the smallest sliver of happy

I crave the warmth and safety
That I felt in your arms
The arms that are no longer mine
But still hold me close from time to time

I fade from reality as I wish to escape to a place
With no more pain

But I dont want to die
For I fear to be alone

I dont want to die knowing I always had to be on my own
Except for those short 2 years
With you.