Laying on the bathroom floor
Staring at a ceiling
That i wish would fall away
And reveal an empty space
For my thoughts to float away

Laying on the bathroom floor
Remembering you
And what we once were
Remembering you
And knowing we're no more

Laying on the bathroom floor
Soon to be eighteen
But wishing I never made it
Past age twelve
When I first tried to drown
In the forever darkness

Laying on the bathroom floor
Wondering how
Anyone could love me
And not wanting it to be
Anyone
But you

Laying on the bathroom floor
Wishing to never be touched again
But craving the warmth
Of your arms around me
As you whisper
That you love me

Laying on the bathroom floor
Knowing I'll never be yours
No matter the words

You make me smile
When the world feels like
Its been ending
For such a long while

You make me laugh
When everything feels like
Its gonna crumble
And fall

You make me happy
When everything feels like
Its gonna push me
Way over the edge

You make me feel cared for
When everything feels like
Its out to get me
And keep me harmed

You make me feel wanted
When all I've ever felt before
Was used
And abused

You make me feel loved
When all I've ever known
Was hatred
And dispare

I love you
And all you've ever done
And do for me

Hello
This is me

I am seventeen
But sometimes I age regress
And can be
Much younger than perceived

I am short
And small
But I don't mind
As it makes it easy to hide
And confine myself
Within small spaces
Or up in your arms

I go for walks
Late at night
When most people are peacefully
Wiithin a dream
As I drown within
The music I hear

I collect stuffies
And all the broken bits
Of my heart
And soul
So I don't become empty

People use
Abuse
And re-use me
But I still only want
To see them happy

I collect memories
Within a box
And my gallery
Afraid one day
I'll forget about my days
So I collect and keep them safe

I was never truly a kid
For I was only ever trapped
In thoughts of escape
But I've found that
No matter the place
Things are still always the same

I trust animals
One hundred precent
But people are always lacking
A small precentage
Even though I give them
Every piece of me

I am innocent and sad
Collecting onsies
And stuffies
And cuddling whoever will

But also impure and numb
Collecting trauma
And broken dreams
And feeling the touch of wandering hands
In places they shouldn't be

I'm missing you
But I know I shouldn't

Im in love with you
But I know
I shouldn't be

But when I think about
When I met you
I can't help it

When I remember your smile
That made my heart warm up
I can't help it

When I remember your touch
That made my soul light up
I can't help it

I miss the you
That I met and knew
But something pulled you under
And you're no longer you

I can't reach the person I once knew
And that hurts me
Even though it shouldn't

I just wish I could find out
Why

I just wish i could find out
What happened

Because I'm missing the you
That I once knew
Even though I shouldn't

I also know you won't miss the me
That you were getting to know
And meet
So I shouldn't love
The thought of you with me

I live in my own secret world

I think of things that I know are just a fantasy
I often imagine a different reality

I imagine a reality where me and you lasted
Where I didn’t flee from my feelings
And they weren't just blasted away
By my insecurities

I imagine a reality where I get to see you smile
And laugh
Every single day

I imagine a reality where your existence makes my day
And you make me consistently feel okay

I often imagine this reality
Maybe a few times a month
Because I try not to get too lost
Too caught up
In such a fantasy
Because then my feeling may overflow
More than they already do

I know you don't think of this fantasy world
This fake reality
Because I know I hurt you beyond trust
Beyond repair
So I just wish that maybe you'll consider a friendship

But you never do
Because you hate you
And you want me to

But I'll never hate you
And I never have
Because you live in my heart
In my mind
And in my soul
And I don't think I'll ever be able to
Just let these feelings go

You look at me
So tell me
What do you see?
Because I can guarantee
You don't see
ME

You don't see the dried tears
That once fell
Where rosy cheeks
Now sit

You don't see the drowned out smiles
From all the frowns
Where true smiles
Once hovered

You don't see the memories I keep
You only peek at what I say
As I wish to keep the darkest stuff
At bay

You don't hear the thoughts that whisper to me
In the silence
Of the darkest nights

You don't hear what I tell myself
When I look in the mirror
As I wish to keep those thoughts
To my own mind

You don't know the ****** up things
I've whispered
And heard
And wanted

You don't know what my soul whispers
As I laugh
At the sweet trickle of soothing
Red

You don't know the darkest corners
The most messed up parts
Of me

You see the smile I plaster on my face
But you don't see it falter
At the end of each day

You see me laugh as it lights up my eyes
But you don't notice
That it's really from crying

You notice the happy looks
And blushing you cause

But you don't notice the sad ones
And the frowns that come from
My own self imposed flaws

You see when I'm happy
And up and about

But you don't see when I'm sad
And can't even get up
To walk around

You see my talk about the things I love
Like my art
My poetry
And the walks in the dark

But you don't see the results that come from
These things that I do

You don't see the art
That shows the pain that I wish to display

You don't read the poems
That speak the words my heart wishes to say

And most of all
You're not there when all of my broken
Flows to the surface
As the dark masks all the flaws
As I think about all the wrong choices I've made

Buy hey,
I'm okay
So just focus on the smile
On my face