Am I even real?
my head hurts just
trying to think about it

You say I'm not
and I suppose I am
supposed to believe you

But if I'm not real
then what am I
and why am I here?

It hurts to try and remember
and you're calling me the wrong name
don't recognize the person in the mirror

Wasn't I somewhere else before?
Do I know your name?
Why can't I remember?

It's dizzying to try and keep track
of every time I lose track
and every time I forget

You make fun of me
for not remembering
but I don't know you

And I'm starting to wonder
if I'm even real
here any more

Am I supposed to be?
or should I just
learn to fade away

It's all so bright
then too dark
I think I might be dying

Or just... fading
passing out
and waking up again

somewhere new
new people
and new names

But I still don't recognize
the face in the mirror
and I don't know my name

What does it mean
when it's
the therapist's chair
that's empty?

Maybe an accident
but the rope
the knife
the pills

It wasn't
an accident
a mistake, maybe
but no accident

Is it selfish
to wish they hadn't
the only one
you could tell

Is it
my fault?
Did I spill
too much?

How many times
did I
break down
in that office?

On that couch
in that room
crying my heart out
while she just... nodded.

Could I have
seen it
if I just
looked?

Maybe if I
just stayed
a little longer
asked...

But what if's
don't change the past
even if
I wish

I wish
doesn't erase
the date
on that headstone

My tears
won't bring her back
it's not even
my pain...

It hurts
but I can't
place
why

Am I
the one to
blame?
or just another puzzle piece?

If I could
just go back
follow the lines
could I fix it?

untangle the strings
uncover the lies
blow out the candle
fill the chair again

There's a chill in the air
and holly in your hair
presents wrapped neatly
and words said sweetly

Candles sit on the shelf
right there next to an elf
off work early
and home in time for a shirley

It's a rather nice time
even if it seems without rhyme
it all seems so senseless
when I know your pain is endless

Because there's old love in December
as the fire fades to ember
all the tears you hide
ever since I left your side

I wish I could stop your pain
but it's as consistent as the rain
I suppose I could move ahead
but I think I'll stay here instead

They say the past is
simply in the past

That it's dead
and it stays there

But does it?
Does it stay there?

Our past never stays
locked away there

It lives on in the scars
on our skin and our lands

There's nothing about
it that chooses to remain

The past always
comes with us

It guides our hands
and tugs us along

We can't outgrow
what we used to know

And we won't forget
what we used to hold

There's no killing
what can't die

So learn to hold
the ghosts close

Before they learn
to drown you out

It seems such a silly thing
but today feels like a second chance
a second chance to try again

Maybe I can't fix it
but I'll try
because I don't want to lose this

Stolen kisses in the halls
words that no one else will read
a gift I think you'll like

Sometimes I think
they would laugh if they knew
but I don't care when I'm with you

I know it's probably silly
to imagine a time like this
to be a second chance

But I won't let their cruel words
and the harsh steps back
to stop me from being next to you

I worked hard to be here
and I'm not leaving
until you ask me to

It's a second chance
so early in the year
but I won't lose it, not this time

Maybe I don't remember
and maybe you don't too
but something brought us together

Maybe a second chance
is what we need
maybe it's just a foolish want

But while I still can
I'll hold onto it
because I don't want to forget

Your smile or your laugh
or the feeling of your kiss
or you in my arms

I don't want to lose
whatever it is I have with you
but I'm still scared

Back and forth
the constant back and forth
happy and then shouting
calm and then sobbing

It's like a swing
if it had no chains
flying
and then falling

There is no real answer
no set, no stop
only the constant
back and forth

Hungry but don't want to eat
full but I don't want to stop
breaking something
only to feel the blood on my arms

I'm angry but not at you
I'm sad but not because of you
I'm happy again
but then it's numb and broken next

I might **** myself
or maybe just get high
maybe it could just be
one more cut

Maybe I could just
go back to how
it used to be
but I can't even remember four hours ago

Sometimes I think it might
      be better to be dead
             already so then maybe
                     it wouldn't hurt so much
                             seeing you moved on already

                                                                             did you ever really care?
                                                                                   about what we had?
or was it all just a game to you?
       just a puppet in your hands
           I forgot how to smile
                and now I have to relearn
                   everything I thought I knew
                        just like breathing
                            now it feels like pulling teeth
                                                                   Sometimes I think it would be better
                                                                 to be dead already
                                                             so then I wouldn't have to remember
                                                     the way you lied when you said you loved me
     there was no warmth in your arms
          and there's only distance in the stars
                I think I'm waiting
                      but for what I don't know
                                                                maybe there's hope somewhere out there
       but can I find it?

There's nothing left
that I could call a home

Even before such warmth
never belonged to that building

It was a house for some
but never really a home

There's now only ashes
in what used to be our rooms

The smoke filled the sky
and all I could care for were the birds

The blood was spilled
long before anyone really died

The scars on my skin
fade long before the ones on my heart

There is no real end
to the torn remains

We could have been happy once
but that was always just a lie

I miss what you could have been
but not who you are now

You hurt me
and I bit back

And now we're farther apart
than ever before

We destroyed ourselves
and never cared how it hurt

I hope maybe some day
you can learn to love

But I know I don't want
to meet you again

Sometimes I think
we were just born
to suffer

Maybe a cruel twist
of fate maybe by the
God's design

I don't really care
about the why I just
want it to stop

Because if every new
day just means
losing something or someone

Being afraid of everything
holding onto something already fading
I don't know how much longer I can

I'd like to try and think
that maybe I'll try for you
but I know I'll lose you too someday

As much as I wish to
I don't think I can believe
in a happily ever after

Because sometimes things
don't work out
and we still have to go on

I'm trying to hold on
trying to hold back my tears
but I don't know if I can

I always knew that each new beginning
has an unavoidable end
but it still hurts

The thought of losing you
keeps me up at night
and you tell me it'll be alright

But I don't know anymore
because what am I supposed to do
when I lose the best part of my life?

I'd give you my heart
I'd give you my time
but I only have
so little left

I might ask you to wait
to let me remember
but I know you'd wait
until it's too late

So I just ask
you let me go
and that you know
it's not your fault

My memory is a blank page
and it's not helping you
so put down your pen
and let yourself forget

It was never easy
and it was never going to be
Just please remember:
"It's not your fault."

I know it's a stupid question
"Did you ever love me?"
Of course not.
How could you?
You never knew how to
love anyone but yourself

You treated me
like nothing more than a step
on your path to being something more
but now you're dead
and I stand here
waiting
the scars you left me
still clear on my skin

I don't really know how to feel
sometimes I'm not sure I even can feel
but there's something
something wrong with this
wrong with the way they talk
the way they treat each other
and I don't know how
to save them

"You can't save everyone."
it's true
but there's no comfort in the words
I can't be everything
but I can hardly even be anything
would it ever be enough
to just simply be?

Did you forget
that I'm human too
that your words can hurt
that we're not perfect
that there's nothing perfect here
that we're just repeating the past
that we didn't change anything
that I'm still hurting
that your words can be cruel
that you don't understand
that I don't trust easily
that I'm more willing to give up then hold on

Did you forget
that you can mess up too?
It seems to me
that you've forgotten
that I'm more than just a problem
I'm a person
and you forget
to treat me like one
so don't be surprised
that I want to leave
when you forget
how to love me

I don't want to die
until I've well and lived my life
some time maybe when i'm eighty or ninety
and I can say I've done everything I wanted to

But I hope whenever that time comes
distant or close
I can die when I'm happy
because I'd rather be a ghost than go to heaven
and ghosts remember their last moments first

They don't seem to care
about what their words do
like a disease in my head
making me want to give up

It's hard to hold on
when they're trying to push you
right over into the edge
and back into that drowning darkness

They call it suicide
but they don't seem to see
their words are killing us
like a disease in our head

They don't care
they want us to be "ok"
they say; but actions mean more than words
and their actions don't help

Because they don't care
our grades, our money, how polite we are
that's what matters
who care about the rest?

Maybe he hits me behind closed doors
maybe I cry myself to sleep
maybe I want to give up
or maybe none of that is true

Would you ever actually listen?
because you haven't before
you don't listen
you don't care

You take and take
and you want me to keep on giving
but what am I supposed to do
when it all runs dry?

I'm just trying to survive
but the pressure you put on my head
is threatening to drown me
and you don't even see

It's only January
and I'm already
falling behind

End of winter break
Back to school
New expectations again

Rush, run, quick

A new job for her
More stress than ever
Got to fill the calendar

Rush, run, quick

It's already so busy
Dates and times blur by
Plans canceled

Rush, run quick

I feel lost in all of this
It's still cold outside
But the house is already warm with anger

Rush, run, quick

A new president
A new worry
An old hatred reheated

Rush, run, quick

My feet bleed
Against the rough sidewalk
Too much hurrying

Rush, don't stop, quick

I need to protect
But can't hold it together
Be busy, maybe they won't notice

Rush, run, quick

You need to prepare
But don't lose yourself either
Don't fall behind

Rush, run, quick

Birthdays and dinners and parties
Play games with him
But don't forget her

Rush, run, quick

Learning new words
New words but don't get lost
They'll get mad if you're confused

Rush, don't stop, quick

Resolutions fall behind
The trash bag breaks
Everything seems to fall

Rush, run, quick

There's so much stress
And it's still only the first month
I wonder when it ends

Rush, run, quick

It's only January
And I'm already falling behind
Will I ever catch up?

I suppose to say
I've fallen like Icarus
might be a little cliche
but it's true, I suppose
in a way

Icarus fell for hubris
and I suppose I did too
I thought I could fix it
I thought it could make it right
and now it's even worse

It sounds such a silly thing
to state the truth as it is
so plain and simple
but that's how it is, isn't it?

Fire burns
drugs ****
grief hurts
knives are dangerous
don't trust strangers

But there's more to that, isn't there?

Fire burns but it can feel good
Drugs **** but they also can give you dopamine
Grief hurts but there's catharsis
Knives are dangerous but so are people
Trusting a stranger can **** you or save you

Not all truths are surface level
so stop saying they are
because really,
can you see it all
by just looking?

If you look at a tree
can you see all its roots
the way it pulls water and nutrients up
can you count every leaf and knot
can you see all the bugs or mushrooms
or moss or worms around it or in it
can you see the rot in a fallen log?
can you see life in what's broken?

-Toby

I kept forgetting to say no
to you, to everyone
I didn't know how
to make time for myself

I didn't know how to
find value in the quiet
now I wish I could
take it all back

I tore myself to shreds
trying to be enough for
everyone else I forgot to
be enough for myself

I don't know when it
all started I don't think
that I care all that much
when it hurts this much

Fragments of our past
tie together like strings
too long and too old
twisting and wrapping and turning
until they snap
and we're only left with fragments

I wish I'd been braver
maybe then I would have asked
before it was already too late
maybe we could have been more
maybe we would still have
fallen apart
but I wish I was brave enough to know
instead of just being left wondering

Because these "what ifs"
keep me up at night
leaving me crying
without knowing why
alone in a bed
that feels too empty
though I've always been
the only one in it

Is it possible
to miss something
that you've never had
to long so deeply
for a possibility
that it hurts
and you don't know
what to do?

If things had been different
would you still be here
if things had been different
would I still be alone?
If I could just be
anyone but me
then maybe it wouldn't be
so broken

Because that's what is
isn't it?
all my fault
because I couldn't be
what you wanted
so desperate for your approval
but never just enough

I always fell short
and now I've fallen too far
away from you
and everything I had
left alone with nothing
and only this darkness
inside and all around
so thick it's choking me

Would this have happened
if I had just listened
done what you said
and turned off my heart
became what you wanted
me to be
just another shadow
in the dark

I wish you'd forget
whatever it was
about me you used to know
Because I don't remember me
and it's only hurting you

I wish you would forget
the things I said
when I was trying to help
Or selfishly trying to be remembered
and it's only hurting you

I wish you would forget
whatever it was we used to share
I know you care
but I do too
and it's only hurting you

I wish you'd forget me
whatever it is you'd remember
my smile or my tears
my laughter or my fears
Because it's only hurting you

And I wish you'd forget me.

My boundaries never mattered to you
they were just lines in the sand
impermanent and easy to ruin
just step over it and never realize
the trust I gave you
shattering by your hands

I gave you everything
heart
soul
mind
time
love

And you took it for granted
treated me like a toy
a puppet for your whims
nothing more than yours
yours, yours, yours, yours, yours
always
there was no escaping

It felt like drowning
suffocating
choking
dying

I think I forgot how to breathe
when I was with you
I thought I was dying
every time I opened my eyes
and you were still there
I started to wish
it was just a nightmare
so I could wake up

but that would mean I was asleep
and there was no rest
no break
no escape
and even now
I'm not sure you're really gone

I think I thought
it could last forever
but it didn't
and I don't know what to do

You're still here
and I know you are
but I can't remember
and it hurts so much more

I almost wish
I knew what happened
but if I forgot
then should I really remember?

It hurts more than
I thought it could
and I feel like I'm losing
both you and myself

I think I should remember
but I'm not sure if I can
would it be worth it
to dig up the past?

I lost you, once
So long ago
You could hardly remember it
if I tried to tell you

The truth is I don't blame you
but it still hurts
A hundred years wouldn't be enough
to heal the pain you left

She was the one who took you, yes
but I didn't know until it was too late
and I could do nothing but stand and watch
as she took everything through you

First, it was you
missing and I was alone
taking care of what we used to have
and trying to stay strong

And then you come back
and I think it might be okay
Maybe we can fix it
But it's so much worse than I thought

Because she hurt him through you
and I watched as you broke his wings
and left him nearly dead
I couldn't stop you,
you were always stronger than me

And then she took you for good
took your mate mark
and then your wings
and finally your life

And I couldn't stop it
I'd lost everything in one day
and I mourned for so long
but it was never enough

I tried to fix it
tried to make it better
but I kept only breaking it
and I don't know what to do

I have someone else now
and I love him
but you're back
and I'm more lost than ever

I can't take you back
I can't go through that again
But I don't want to lose you entirely either
what am I supposed to do?

Maybe I don't want to be here
and maybe I'd rather be buried
but maybe I like the rain
and maybe I want to hold your hand
so maybe I don't want to let go
but maybe I don't know how to hold on
and maybe there is no easy answer
but maybe we don't need one
Maybe I'm happy
and maybe I want to cry
so maybe I let the rain be my tears
or maybe I just like the feeling
maybe I spend too long alone
or maybe I just need the quiet
maybe I'm okay
and maybe I feel like I'm dying
but maybe it doesn't matter
because maybe there's no answer

Prayed to a God
who didn't even know my name
kneeled in the pews
praying I could make it
into the pearly gates

My hands clasped
and my hand held down
trying to keep quiet
never allowed to step out of line
messing up could mean]
burning for eternity

Now I'm shedding my old skin
tearing up my church dress
and throwing away those painful shoes
stepping off the "right" path
and learning to fall
falling into my own arms
and learning to save myself

It all fades away one day
who cares what name I give
the thing I worship
so long as I can be kind?
If I know how to love
does it really matter if I believe
in Heaven or Hell?

I used to think the church was holy
the temple held sacred ground
now I see it
as a monument
to a dead and old promise
a lie from the start

You promised me you'd love me
but now you can't even say my name
can't look at me now I've changed
and I'm more free than ever
don't need your chaining lies
when I can be free in the sky

There's something more holy
about a quiet, soft rain
or a dried flower on my shelf
than anything you'd find in the blinding white

At best, it's a simple misunderstanding
a mistake of judgement
not quite getting it
at worst they **** with you lies
and misinformation
and have the gall to claim it
the "priesthood power"

We need a new God
we need something to save us
keep us from the sin
that's killing us just as much
as we **** each other

I can't believe in
"selfless love" when you need me
to fit the mold in order to love me
there is no "promise" here
in the dark
only a hope and a freedom
I gave myself these wings
and I won't let you burn the feathers

I'm starting to think
none of it matters
we all are going
to die either way

So who really cares
about who I kiss
or who I love
or what pronouns I use

I'll like what I like
whether that be painting
or maybe crocheting
or exercising

I'll like who I like
and be who I want to be
because really what does it matter
me saying I'm a boy and not a girl
when we all die anyway?

One day all our bones
will be buried in the earth
or already gone
so what does it matter
if I don't fit the norm?

I'm not hurting anyone
by standing outside
of your strict rules
regarding gender and love

Love who you want to
we only have so much time
why waste all of it
hating other people
for something that they
never really chose?

There's a river that divides us
it's not one you can see
but it is undeniably there
you can try to wade through it
but you'd lose everything in the process

It's not really a choice we have
it is merely fate that decides
which side we land on
We can talk to each other
regardless of what side we're on
but we'll never fully understand

My hands are rough and scarred
and yours are soft and smooth
yet both of us know the pain
of being divided by something
we never got to choose

You ask if I might cross over to you
and I laugh but it's not funny
because I can't
to try would be a lie
to deny everything I am
is not something I can choose to do

Maybe some day
they'll let us build a bridge
so that maybe for once
we might really get a chance to understand

But for now I watch
as it seems like neither of us
can find happiness where we sit
but there aren't any stones
to build a bridge
so we wait
and hope maybe
you can still hear me
over the roar of the river

Late nights
quiet stitches
staying up
just to hear
you still breathing

it's a quiet fear
the one I have
that maybe on day
I'll lose you
so I stay up

Each time
it gets too quiet
I have to pause
and listen
just to be sure

I know I need sleep
but how can I
close my eyes
when I don't know
if you'd still be there

I'll sleep soon
just a few more minutes
a few more stitches
another page
one more song

Just about anything
that will keep me up
maybe a cup of coffee
or tea
or my computer

Trying not to drift off
just so I can still
hear your quiet breath
just to know
you're still here

I know that
maybe it's a
little foolish
to hurt so much
when I don't know

But how can I risk
losing you
as well
when we've already
paid so much?

It's already
so alone
so cold
just thinking
you're not here

what would I do
if you ever
really left
taken away
gone for good

I don't think
I could stand it
they've slept
so long
will they ever wake up?

It's so tempting
to reach over
check your pulse
but I'll wait
and let you sleep

Just one more chapter
one more hour
one more song
a few more rows
just a bit longer

Because maybe
maybe if I just
stay up long enough
you'll be safe
and I'll still have you

I know
I can't stop it all
but I want to
and maybe if I
stay up...

So, sleep
please
for me
so I can hear
you still breathing

I'll be here
ready to help
if it ever stops
but for now
just another stich

The light tap
of rain against the window
the chill in the air
and the water gathering in puddles

You stay inside
a cup of tea in your hand
and a book on your lap
a rather cozy day

The rain falls lightly
gracing the earth
with water it's starved for
though it's not always good

You think you're fine
and you go on as if you are
but your face is wet
as your eyes cry with the sky

Maybe it's not perfect
but hide that away
just smile
and it'll all go away

Nice cars
White picket fence
Shoes lined neatly by the door
And nothing on the floor

Running out of time

A suit and tie
And you rush out
Out the door
And onto the streets

Hurry, hurry, running out of time

Down the street
Through the crowd
The ticking of your watch
A mockery of your pace

Too late, too slow

Your lungs and throat burn
Tears sting your eyes
The watch ticks on
You never were good at running

*Too late.

Down here
I like to dream
of the sky
because I know
I'll never see it again

The earth presses
down, heavy, and firm
it fills my lungs
and I wish it would stop
but there's no death here

If I had something
I might be able to get out
but I don't
so I won't
and it continues to hurt

I think my bones may
be broken, my heart
more so. But it's all
just a dull ache
down here
six feet under

It takes two to tango
but that's when we broke
in the quiet I sat alone
missing what we had
before it all fell apart

It's in the quiet
vulnerable moments
that we lost what he had
starting to wish
I had never spoke
what I really thought

I said yes
because I never knew
how to say no
and that's when
you took it all
and I couldn't
let go

Time was what we needed
but never really had
a frantic dance
of passion and desire
and in it you took everything
and it was no surprise
when it all fell apart

We moved too quickly
fell apart
even faster
sometimes I wish
I could cling to what we still had
but it takes two
and that's why we broke

I always think
there's someone watching
in the night
or in the light

There's no break
from the feeling
of Eyes on me
and I just want a break

I know I could just Ask
but just maybe
I don't want to Know
maybe i'm scared

I Knew once
what it meant
and I don't think
I can forget

It hurts
in some ways
but I can never
get rid of it

The sound of trains never stopped
I still hear the sound
like the first day you left me there
on the cursed platform
any chance at escape always
rushing past me
your words written on the walls
like some dying childhood
you wanted to have some legacy for

The sound of screaming never stopped
I can still hear it
ringing in my ears
from the beginning
to when it all ended
the explosion and burns
the terror what once had been joy
when it all went wrong
too far and too late
to be saved
there was no turning back

The sound never stopped
I still hear it
in my dreams
in the quiet moments
whenever I think that it might
stop hurting
because you don't remember
but I do
and the sound
never stopped

-Wilbur

When laughter
turns into tears
and blood
turns into rains

The feeling of melting
turning into glass breaking
the softness of rose petals
now cold as ice

The hardness of words
means nothing now
just as much as Time
bends under the will of insanity

Soft notes on the piano
now a harsh discord of bells
light that was once gentle
now blinding to look at

Trust broken
even after I held on so long
the once solid hope
crumbling like sand between my fingers

Dull colors now bright
and then dull again
the floor falling out under my feet
once carpet is now harsh concrete

The air used to taste sweet
but now it's choking like smoke
is it tears on my face
or blood soaking my skin?

Can't tell what is real
but I don't think
there is anything real
in this swarming sea of Spirals

The Twisting and Turning
the very source of madness
and Delusional itself
and it's drowning me

We have heard but not yet truly learned
of the truths that hide in the darkness

The true and quiet solemnity
of cold and quiet death

It is with nothing short of dread
that the dawn breaks and the sun rises

The light ever reaching yet still hesitates
to shine on the still warm figure of death

There is no joy in finding the light of the sun
and the only comfort of the dark may be that your cries are not heard

We are not yet truly understood but so alone instead
there lacks a point of joy in this long drudge of life

And yet we carry on for some reason
pushing hard against the unyielding walls of misery

For what joy comes from the misery of unyielding
woes that persist in spite of the laughter in the room

There is no real hope that lies between these walls
and yet you push on for not

Sometimes I wonder
If you'd even remember
What you did

I think you cared
Once
But that was a while ago

Before you took everything from me
My heart, soul, and name
And left me without even the memory of you