I want to cry
but I can't
because then you'd see
and I don't think
I could bear to see
the pain in your eyes
knowing you're worried
about me

So I pull back
hide away
pull my hood up
say I'm fine
and walk quickly
careful, not too fast
to the bathroom
and quietly
the tears fall

I've learned how
to hide it by now
a bit of cold water
just a bit of time
and you'd never know
I can't let you see
that I can't
hold it together

That I'm falling apart
and it's not your fault
it's not anyone's
not really
I just can't
stop
worrying

But that's my job
isn't it?
to worry
protect
take care of
so why
why does it hurt?
why can't I
stop crying?

I think
maybe
it'll be fine
just laugh
and smile
a bit of concealer
and they won't know
I didn't sleep

Carefully timed
showers and
washing clothes
More ramen cups
in the trash
than anything else
trying to hold it together

Just drink another cup
down more coffee
and get back to it
another assignment
another hug
more comforting words
You can do it
keep it together
just a little longer

Maybe it wouldn't
fall apart
if I did
but I can't
risk that
risk
a funny word
so small
for so much
like me
holding more
then it can

Maybe one day
it'll be fine
the pills
the therapy
maybe it will
finally help
but for now
I just need
a minute
to breathe
a break
please
don't look
too long

Maybe I'm not
real
really
here
real
pain
hurting
is it
okay?
Am I?

Tears falling
heavy like rain
but they can't
I won't let them
see
I'll be fine
just
tired
a bit more
coffee
and I'll be
fine

It's starting to warm up
but I can't calm down
they'll tell you it wasn't so bad
"You're better now, right?"

But they weren't there
in that place
where words were so limited
actions even more so

Maybe some of it helped
but not all of it did
and sometimes I think
I'll never feel free again

He was kind
but didn't understand
she was amazing
but you couldn't get too close

Can't talk about this
can't talk about that
keep it light, please
redirect and forget

Maybe some of it helped
but he wasn't always
as good as they said
and we were constantly afraid

You can't whisper
but don't talk too loud either
watch you diet
but don't think too much about food

We all had our demons there
some more obvious than others
the pills didn't make it go away
sometimes they just made you numb

Leaving didn't make you free
there was still so much to do
and everything was so different
they couldn't handle it when you cried

So off again you went
a new place, a new house, new rules
but the same old problems
because you weren't free

The pills didn't fix you
and neither did their words
some even made it worse
and you didn't even know what home was

Not anymore
everything changed
they'll tell you it helped
"You should be better now"

They made you change too fast
and got mad when it didn't work
the mold snapped
and the real you slipped through the cracks

So maybe it helped
and maybe it didn't
but I think I'll always
hate reminders in March

Because I'm not really free
and to you, I'm not really me
a bandaid over a bullet hole
and a painted on smile

But I'll still always hate
reminders in March

I was trying to fix it
maybe plant some flowers
lilies, your favorite
or maybe a rose bush
something to try and
fill the hole I made
in your heart

But I picked up the shovel
and I kept digging
down and down
deeper and deeper
until dirt surrounded me
and I had no ladder
and even the sun couldn't reach me

I don't think there's a way out
but that's my own fault
it's what I chose
every time I opened my mouth
or took a step closer
I dug deeper
so maybe I'll stay here

I sit in a field
full of flowers

I'm waiting for someone
but I can't remember who

I'm hoping for something
but I can't remember what

I hope there's something
after this

But I'm not so sure
there's anything left

Sometimes I think I'm stuck
With nothing left to go back to


That maybe no one is coming
And I'm all alone

It's dark here
and far too cold

I hope there's a way out
but I don't think there is

I'm in a field of flowers
and it is my gilded cage

Bits of the past
Like puzzle pieces
You try to fit them together
But you can't make a puzzle
Without all the pieces

Memories are fragile
The cardboard pieces fall apart
Under even the slightest pressure
Water of tears
Or fire of anger

The past is like a puzzle piece
Desperately trying to put it
Back together
But you can't make a puzzle
Without all the pieces

Sometimes you think you have it
Only to realize it doesn't fit
Because you don't remember
Why can't you remember?
The pieces don't fit.

You can't make a puzzle
Without all the pieces.

Time slips through my fingers
Like sand it falls
Down, down, down
I try to catch it
But it's all in vain

I'd like to try again
To pick it back up
To turn back and redo
Maybe there's something better
But it only brings pain

I think there's something
Somewhere in this hourglass
But if there is I can't find it
I've wasted so much time
Trying to count each grain

They tried to warn me
It was a waste of time
There's no remembering
There's no fixing it
But I try again even if it's in vain