Well now this is sad and tragic
For both of us to hear
You and I at cross purposes
Ever our fate, my Dear

I just found your correspondence
Last letter that you sent
It was, I think, the final time
That you called me a friend

It was in a pile of papers
From my old mother’s house
With other cards and notes you gave
Back when we were devout

I will use these words to explain
In a way you’ll never see
That this miscommunication
Gave a wrong view of me

You sent it at a year or so
After we were finished
Within its words I sense your hope
Love not yet diminished

I think you may have mentioned it
After you came back home
When I once tried to talk but you
Walked by and wouldn't slow

A mutual friend spoke of it
Some two decades ago
And I was mystified because
I simply didn’t know

I didn’t recall the letter
Forgotten its receipt
But when I found and read its words
I recalled its described deeds

Your letter was at my mother’s
‘Cause I was injured bad
I’d had surgery and meds
With healing to be had

I received it in the doorway
Of my home at college
I tore open with alacrity
Falling from my crutches

I read part of your note that day
Then stuck it in my bag
Packed your other notes and cards
To fix the hurt I’d had

After my knee operation
Sitting up late at night
Unable to sleep sound because
Meds made my heartbeat slight

I recall being sad one eve
In Mother's modest home
Watching her little poor TV
Reviewing your slim tomes

In your letter, amazing lands!
And magical far places!
And one hundred mile per hour
Motorcycle chases!

Such experiences you had all
Through Europe’s bevelled plains!
But I in healing poverty
Felt sore lament and pain

I could not join you there, at least
Not for several years
Did you even want me to try?
You couldn’t know that fear

Your family was very wealthy
It’s hard for you to see
The lowly circumstances
That were the start of me

You never knew how bad it felt
My inadequacy
To give you that magnificence
That you deserved to be

Poor upbringing was no issue
For your generous heart
You never held it against me
Never pushed us apart

But it caused misunderstandings
From worlds so different
And my worries about it too
Increased how much it meant

I read your letter ‘til I saw
Your plans a year away
When you said with hopefulness
You’d move to Greece to stay

That is on the note's second page
I never read page three
‘Cause that's the point when I just knew
That you were lost to me

If I had read a bit further
For a lover's redress
Was hid a small request you made
In false casualness

You sought a call for your birthday
Bare affection from me
The letter asked for that action
A simple courtesy

Your year away almost over
You were soon coming back
I was thinking about restarting
And fixing what I lacked

Like truth serum the meds would have
****** away all my fight
I’d have called you...so so quickly
I’d have called you...ev’ry night

My Precious Girl, I’d have called you
There’s no way I wouldn’t
Healing slow on a pleather couch
There's no way I couldn't

I used to wish for your number
I was so ready too
I’d been pondering what we’d had
And I still wanted you

You were badly hurt thereafter
There was no getting through
Your broken heart gave a verdict
And THAT's when I lost you

It’s a tragedy in our lives
As that was your last sign
Of my lack of real love for you
And fickle boyish mind

It rankles so much in me now
Since that’s not how it was
It’s just one of those fateful things
God’s little joke on us

….

A Happy Belated Birthday
For now and all your life
I wish you joyous contentment
And love that’s free from strife

But I know something deeply in
My bones and in my soul
I know I would have called you if
I’d read your letter full

And I’d have wished you way back then
A Happy Birthday too
And I’d have told you on that call

How much I still loved you

Thirty tear-splashed pages
My response with runny ink
Not us anymore, don't you think?
Fire consumed it in a blink

You just left me!
Okay, you had a chance
You could not pass up
For our romance
I get that but...

I said someday I'd marry you
You threw it right in my face
So I'm the non-Greek Catholic geek?
Well, stick this in your Orthodox socks
You'll never again disgrace
This young Irish fool!

Sated, but not happy anymore
I am quick out the bed, going home
After pleasing another random girl
I AM good enough for
To see you swish and twirl
Through my rattled dome
But I hope you sense or know
How I just made HER toes curl

How could you say
Over a year every day
How much you loved me
But at the last drive away
Like I'm just a roll in the hay?

How could you tell me
I'm just for college
I'm a temporary smidge
That we're not bound to be

You give us short time
Then leave for half of it
You tell me "Have a nice life!"
But you get a pass for it?
And I'M that hole kid!?
What's that bull*?!

It is just nuts!
Am I too poor and not tan?
Am I too pale to be your man?
So what! SO WHAT!

How could you dis me like that
Dismiss me like that
And then give an act
Like I hurt YOU so bad?

Making it all so breezy
You pop up and ask me to visit you
'Cause I have to show YOU something?
After telling ME I can't be your Everything!
And rolling away like I'm NOTHING!
Dancing to your same tune
For you, leaving was easy!

Now, Little Rich Girl
Write and tell me about your adventures
I will listen awhile
In lands I dream to see, but cannot be
You spoiled child

Tell me how great it is
Tell me how your heart is light
Tell me it all
I want to hear it, right?
Yeah. Not a'tall

Tell me where you go
While I do the same crap
We did back here
While I stay trapped
Your outgrowing shows

I give up. I'm done.
You are NOT the One
I'm not writing
Even one letter, "My Friend"
That I will send

I'm not the stupid kind
I see the request to write back
Jump through the hoops you stack
Maybe you want me back
I read between lines

I can hear you again
I can sense your smell
I see your face, taste your lips...

**** it all to HELL!

Where's my pen?!

Like a scouting ranger
The cowboy's flower will
Be my secret messenger
To show how much
I cared and do still

I never told you how bad it was
How much I missed you
How I drowned it
How I almost came through
Like you wanted me to

Sluice gates shut and
I blocked my flow
Vault doors closed to
Hide the treasure
Vanity stopped the show

Because of family illness
I blow the dam, I explode the cache
Out everything pours
Gold coins glimmer on the floor
Untamed flood of feeling, reeling

My mother will not disappear!
Like I have for her!
Like I made you do!
I will take it all
And I will feel it too!

There you are in the
Precious pile, the frothing jetsam
Like losing my mom's mind
It was this bad only one time
When I was losing you

After a generation
When my hair is grey
Instead of sandstone
And I am crinkly not handsome
When it is far too late

I'll do it on your birthdays
And our anniversary
For how special you were to me
A picture to hold the place
Of my old face

I hope you know that it
Has meant tragedy arose
Now it's in friendship's style
You'll never see my profile
But I'll post that yellow rose

I just saw you.
The other day.
You were so nice.
You looked so great.

Such emotion
when we two meet!
You are so tough.
You are so sweet.

For a moment
I saw you melt
When I hugged you
and love we felt.

How do I tell
These things inside?
How to confess
These things I hide?

You fill me up,
then leave me empty.
You push me back,
then you tempt me.

You cut me deep.
You patch me up.
You make me thirst.
You fill my cup.

You make me cold.
You make me burn.
You make me flee.
You make me yearn.

You make me strive.
You make me lazy.
You make me calm.
You make me crazy.

All of these things
you do to me
And so much more
you’ll never see.

Is this love real
or just a toy?
Am I your man
or just a boy?

Is this for now?
Now together?
Just your dalliance
or forever?

Can I stay true?
Fidelity?
Can you open
yourself to me?

I am your love
you seemed to say.
But you left and
pushed me away.

Then just get out!
Leave me alone!
Get off my couch!
Now leave my home!

Don’t walk away!
Don’t ever go!
You have to stay!
Please come back home!

I will let you bind me I will let you show me
I will let you blind me I will let you know me
I will let you grind me I will let you grow me
I will let you find me
Please come and find me

I will be bold
and I will mold
myself to you,
if you I hold.

Please just show me
that there are ways.
That there’s a path
past youthful days.

I’m almost there.
I’m almost ready.
I’ll be better.
I’ll be steady.

I’ll never know you.
But I will try to
Do what I can do
Because I love you.

Younger conscience was building yearly
For those that I have held nearly
And those for whom I cared so dearly
Whose faces I still see so clearly
Whose love I treated cavalierly

The regret I feel is real is real!
To my friends who saw my devil’s deal
And those precious ones who saw me keel
And witnessed as I forgot to feel

It happened to many of my friends
It took years and years to make amends
To reverse all of those horrid trends

Dear Woman, you are my one last task
Whose forgiveness I abjectly ask

One last one, I can never get done.