I'd tell you who I am, but
I'm not sure that
I know anymore

Am I
(a) a friendly girl
(b) an emo(tional) girl
(c) a freak
(d) someone who will die young
?

I
don't
know

Is there an option
for (e) all of the above?

I'm so tired
of this feeling -
this
emptiness
that plagues my soul.
It seems that it is
impossible for me
to be
satisfied.
There's a hole in me
and nothing can fill it,
but I try to shove
drugged smoke
and uncertain emotions
deeper
and
deeper
into myself
to feel just a little bit better
for just a few minutes.

"Love will come when it comes,"
but what if I need it now?

I'm so tired of being left alone.

Don't you see?
You give me
life.

To write about
the subject of
love
is a difficult thing to do.
So many metaphors
have already been used,
yet we somehow find ways
to pull more out of the sky.
Songs about love songs,
and poems about love poems
increase the level of difficulty.
How can anyone
truly describe
the swell of the heart
the embrace of comfort
the thrill of companionship?


They can’t.

Brush away the guilt
That I know is weighing you down;
You have set me free, you see
You have allowed me to live again.

Your lips
are as soft
as butterfly wings;

I want
to hold you
until the end of time.

I've been fine,
cheerful,
for the past few days,

but now the sickness creeps back in,
my heart grows heavy,
my veins fill with sludge.

My eyes are constantly brimming with tears,
and no one is here
with a shoulder to catch them.

My heart feels like
a classic holiday tale,

Growing to 4x the size,
warmer than it's ever been

I have more favorite sounds,
your laugh now included,

Your smile a new favorite view;
I marvel at the collection

These experiences I never knew
could be possible for me

This sudden, boundless emotion,
a genuine look into infinity.

Would you hate me
if you knew
how I've been leaping
from heart to heart
like stones in a pond -
they all crumbled under my weight
and left me to drown.

I'm just so
tired
I want to fall asleep
and wake up with him holding me tightly
Keeping me warm

I'm just so
sad
I want to cry
then look up and close my eyes as
He wipes my tears away

I'm just so lost
I wish he would come
and find me.

I want to dive
back into the abyss,
I'm just done with this
silly little thing we call life.

I think I need to float
awhile, letting the cold
seep into my bones and mind.

Numb, silent, forgetting;
This shouldn't be so
welcoming, the darkest
place of my mind.

I suppose that's the guise
to draw you in,
the siren song to make you
                                                   drown.

I'm drowning,
filling with saltwater,
don't you see the leak?
Doesn't it shimmer just
beneath my eyelids?

Flooded windows are so
blurry and difficult
to peer through. Can you
even see more than silhouette?

I want to drag my fingertips
through the surface
as I fall under, so I can
feel like the drowning woman
in a sad, dramatic film.

Is there a piano solo
for my sinking?
Deep, delving notes
chasing
me
down,
drifting in the currents' pull.


Don't pull me up,
don't touch the freezing fingers
as they stretch to feel the wind

The storm toils above me,
but I've already drowned.

If I told you what I was feeling right now, you'd have me shipped off to a hospital;
They're just feelings, darling, so please put the phone down.

I just feel so empty
and lost
and numb,
and I want to rip the veins
from my wrists
and watch the blood pool
until I can't watch anything anymore.

But I can't tell you that
because you'll think that
I'm just that crazy
But the thing is that I
would never really do
such a thing,
that's just the illness talking.

Don't listen to my demons,
I try not to.

If I suddenly disappeared,
vanished without a trace,
how big of an impact
would it really make?

As I was watering my roses,
no longer quite so fresh,
I noticed a curious thing:
the thorns were growing larger
even as the flowers died.

Why is this all so
wrong?

I don’t belong
in this backyard
among their joy.

I lost my home,
but I never
really
had it.

There is a person
instead.
He is home,
more than
them.

Sharing words
face-to-face
is a surprisingly powerful act
Once I find my way past the barriers of my own reluctance
I find it's very relieving to speak my mind
And finally confess
that I
am not
okay.

I do not write
from my head
where too many thoughts
tend to foul my words.
I prefer to write
from the heart,
where every line and lyric
rings clearly, true and pure.

One should never
dive headfirst
if they don't know
what's at
the
bottom.

But I want to dive
straight in
to you.

There's a song
being sung
deep inside you -

I hear it,
and fall under its spell.

I want to dive
into your eyes
and never come up
for air

I am hopelessly
trapped
in your song.

I am not scared.

I am not scared
to drown in you.

You are the paradise ocean,
a safe place.

So crash over me,
let me sink.

Your song will keep me safe.

Life is too short to spend considering mistakes made in the past. Learn to appreciate the present and accept what comes your way.

Why is it so safe here?

In this spot of my loneliness

Nothing makes sense, nothing should
feel like this

But here I feel

safe

even though I am here without

you

*maybe that's what I needed
was some time

alone

Oh, I hoped
I could be free from this,
but I suppose I knew better.

The ache in my chest,
the crashing in my ears,
my vision full of blue,

so much blue

Oh, I hoped
I wouldn't have to swim,
reaching and kicking

Hoping to keep my fingers
to the cool air above,
a reminder that I have a chance

This ocean isn't one
you can simply see,
but it's so real,

so painfully real

to me.

With the crystal frost
comes the screaming demons
comes the whisper of death
comes the need for pain
comes the numbness, never-ending.
With the death of summer
comes the death of smiles
comes the freezing of hearts
comes the shadows in the corner
comes the voices, dancing.
With the fading of the sun
comes the fading of joy
comes the quick, red lines
comes the hopelessness
comes the tears, spilling over.

Dark room,
full of thoughts,
daylight threatening
from the edge

Words float here,
ghosts on the walls,
remembering everything
we'll never forget

Dreams hang low
from the ceiling,
faint spiderwebs that glisten
amongst the dusty cobwebs

Don't grab them, don't pull;
those threads are still so fragile,
and these burdens weigh us down.

Whisper to them,
watch them shiver,
trembling from the sounds
of tired voices

One day at a time,
repeat the motions,
smile and nod,
survive.

Over and over again
we step forward
and fall back,
staring at the clouds

Just fall asleep here,
just for now;
it's time for a little break
from the endless mud.

It’s odd to have
a name for my ailment;
I can now officially say
that I suffer from anxiety,
Which can cause
panic attacks(sense of worry and/or fear, high heart rate, shaking, panicked thoughts, dizziness, difficulty breathing)
and
compulsive behavior(acting unwillingly on a yearning for a specific action).
Check and check, all symptoms accurate.
I have
a
n
x
i
e
t
y.

This is the name for my fears,
for my shaky moments,
for my actions, drawing blood.

It’s real now,
and I must learn my enemy
in order to defeat it.
Fear of the unknown will not paralyze me
anymore.

I would love to sprout
a pair of wings,
flowing from my spine.
They’d be feathered,
and black as night,
and could carry me to the stars.

you're
stuck
in
my
head
as
though
planted,
growing
and
invading.

I
don't
want
to
clear
you­
out.

The paint has been scrubbed
from my weary glass eyes.
I see now that which
I simply could not see alone.
He has scrubbed the paint
from my weary glass eyes
and shown me the truth -
I am not gray.
I am black and white,
harsh contrast.
I am
a broken glass heart.
Don't leave me alone,
or the monsters will toss me from my stand
and I will shatter again.

I am
a girl
with a black-and-white stained brain.
Harsh contrast.

I'm so cold
without your voice to warm my heart.

It's been a while
since I've felt this sting–

A good friend was taken too soon,
lured by the temptation of darkness

It circles in my head,
round and round again

Why, and how, and what if–
A thousand times, what if?

I have to keep breathing,
don't get lost in the waves

This cannot consume me.

It’s yellow outside
like the sun just died,
and faded to mist.
It’s eerie and and ominous,
a small warning, perhaps,
to stay indoors tonight?
I think I can smell lightning
in the air, silently hiding,
and ready to crash down on us all.

We are like fingers caught
in a Chinese finger trap:
The more you try to pull us apart,
the tighter we cling to each other.

And suddenly
everything is crowding
in my head
And I’m a mess again
just like I always
will be
And I wish that
all these demons
would just go away.

It was such a sudden shift;
laughter and joy and noise and love
abruptly cut off
and the silence of peace deafened me.

She is like duct tape -
once she sticks, she stays,
no matter how rough the weather;

and she is so painful to remove

In
   side
my
    head
What
        is
lurking?
           I
just
     do not
know.
         I'm
sorry.

We are magnets,
but we are too far away
to click.

.
                                                    y.
        ­                                          k
           h  until you reach the s
         g
        i
fly h
and then tumble
                             d
                               o
                                 w
                                    n
                         ­             to shatter against the
                                                                ­         g
                                                               ­            r
                                                                ­            o
                                                   ­                           u
                                    ­                                             n
                                                               ­                     d.

Tell me, tell me,
tell me quietly
a whisper caressing my ear

Tell me, tell me,
tell me loudly
a shout to be heard by the world

Tell me, tell me,
tell me with a kiss
the gentle press of lips on lips

Tell me, tell me,
tell me with your soul
feel our souls touch and smile

Tell me, tell me,
tell me every day and night
*tell me that you love me.

Hold me close, please,
Hold me close and don't let go
I just want to breathe you in
(I could get high just by breathing you in)
I just want to breathe you in
Hold me close and, please, please,

**Don't let go

I'm in a cloudy field of cherry blossom trees
Being chased by a bunch of bees
Getting stung should be impossible
in this beautiful place
But I keep getting stung,
and the cherry blossom trees laugh,
And the blossoms weep petals.

the water's in my lungs again

and I can't even breathe with full oxygen

the waves aren't at my feet anymore,

they're at my throat, and I'm barely

still standing on my feet

I can feel that one wrong move

will pull me deeper into the cold

stray waves wish to cast me aside

my toes dig in, not ready to leave

just enough water to splash into

my mouth and nose, I can feel

the sloshing in my chest,

heavy, heavier by the second

so hard to breathe.

I dig my toes in a little deeper,

not ready to be flung into currents

that I know will grasp my soul

in an icy grip, pulled from between

my aching teeth, clenched tight

my smile probably doesn't quite

look right anymore, I'm left

with this growing grimace

salt stings my eyes,

wishes to leave me blind

even more hopeless than

I could've been before

my chest is tight, heart held close

what little warmth to keep a pulse

as the waves keep surging higher

and my neck can't save me now,

I have to choose to let go

release my toes or watch my vision

fill with cold blue so I can't see you

because you've been here all this time

but you cannot feel the waves

you cannot hear the crashing

that continues to call my name

your hand was there, I waited so long

and now I can only frantically hold on

as the waves push, and they try

to pull me away to the darker day

please, just let me stay.

even though i know it's late
and he's probably just asleep
i cannot help but be afraid
as his side of the chat stays blank.

I’m sorry
that I leave
so many ghosts
behind me
every time
I try
to love.

You surprise me
with things that
no one else has ever done -
You're a fresh thought, a kindred spirit,
someone I know I am safe with.

Hold me, shield me
I am scared of the
Darkness that is creeping close;
Every night it moves closer.

Was last night real,
an exchange of fondness?
Or was my imagination
up to no good?
Did my heart really swell
right out of my chest?
Or did I go to sleep
with tears again?
Did you really say those three words,
over and over and over again?
Or am I finally crazy enough
to see false things?

Why can't I trust my own memory?

Kiss me breathless, kiss me drunk,
Kiss me ‘till I have have sunk
Under the waves of warm desire;
I’m not afraid to drown during the lovers’ hour.

I don't know how to keep doing this,
keep living with this monster under my skin -
he likes to come out and play
when I least expect it.
He tears me to pieces,
or, rather,
makes me want to tear
myself
to pieces.
I hate it!

How can I keep living this way,
surely one day
he will win.

I’ll meet you in Dreamland,
my love,
Where distance does not matter
and time does not exist -
We may lay in field
of fragrant flowers,
entwined together for hours and hours,
Forgetting the pain of
the world outside our eyelids
So that we may enjoy
the warmth of our hearts.