The block button was my friend
But also my greatest enemy

I click the button everyday
Perhaps, you unblocked me

Then I click it again
I also hold the authority

Today I unblocked you
This time your profile appeared

You had also clicked the button
Your picture I see stare

I squint my eyes in denial
No chance we share the same care!

I have no strength to press again
What a coincidence we bare!

It’s not that I’m filled with hope
More like a feeling of despair

I pray you don’t message me
For I used to dream of your words

The letters that will welcome
The future I always yearned

I lather my skin in the mist I’ve grown fond of
Why is it that pink vanilla is the solution to my problems?

I’ve always loved the smell
Comforting; yet, somewhat hostile

I envision the time we spent in silence
When I wear the drops of scented denial

Three years later I savor the fragrance
Spraying my pillow with cycling sadness

Knuckles, my weighted stuffie, reeks of coated plight
I inhale then exhale the memories I can’t wipe

Every night I spread pink vanilla amongst my place of comfort
An easing feeling that deprives me of life with you I can’t falter

I’m stuck behind the bars of memories I can’t deplete
Another night inside the cell of pink vanilla deceit

I stand before the judge
Holding my opposition’s damnation  
So long I’ve held this grudge
But now I hold this discretion

Click
Click
Click
My attorney’s pen; panic

Tick
Tick
Tick
The clock; manic

I need to let it out
The truth that you wanted unsaid
How come I previously defended you?
You’ve assaulted me with those hands

Perhaps, this is not my time
Your secret is safe with me
Not for your wellbeing
For I am too scared to be seen

I’m embarrassed I let it happen
So much I could have prevented
We were only fourteen
A relationship seen as placid

Thirteen months we spent together
I once saw your benevolent side
Until you denied the wrong
Now I’m left with your malicious lies

I step down before the judge
I had held my opposition’s damnation
I can’t present the truth
My discretion isn’t quite yet redemption

Eleven year difference
What does that mean?
It means she is a toddler
And I am a teen
But our relationship is still so bitter sweet

I despised my little sister
Her mother I wasn’t impressed
Perhaps we shared a parent
But still I saw her different
Her mother she expressed

Two years it took
Finally, I opened my arms
She is not her mother
She actually has a heart
And I began to see God’s work of art

I sit here beside my sister
Four years have gone by
She represents a piece of me
A piece of my family
Her mother she never was

Reach out to me
And for me is what you’ll need
I’ll turn you away
For I can not relay

I shall not repeat my sins
My desperate cries held within
Withholding my self dignity
My sanity not in vicinity

I can’t write you a goodbye
But I can close the door to all your lies
To welcome a more sane version of my kind
For I to have more peace of mind

I whisper to nothing but silence
My voice you ripped with violence
Where I’ve learned to piece together what was left
One day this voice you’ll regret

You left my mind and I slowly felt you die, my blood that once boiled eased into evaporated bubbles. I sought all feelings that had struck between us; unfortunately, the time is not in my favor. The place I call peace, I lie with closed eyes, warming into warped reality, a moment of tranquility. Huh? This is different–my peace is disrupted, erupted with discomfort, the tranquil moment has gone drifting. I don’t remember much; yet, what I remember, I do well. Your hair was short like the innocence you once held, the fragment of memory that kept me at bay. You no longer have overgrown hair. Your upper lip held youth that is unmatched to the grown experience it holds now. It was the version of you I tucked away, the version that told me to stay. The bad never passed my mind, this dream was simply an instance of mournful pride.

You kissed me with your gentle lips, stuck your tongue out to mine and flicked: an intimate moment I couldn’t help but give in. I swirled my tongue along the seams of your mouth, we were so young; however, this was more recent. We were older than we were, more appropriate for our age. I thought we’d be forever, my heart broke out of its own cage.

I awoke in a confused haze, panting and searching for any answer to why my heart burst with ache; my heart raced hurriedly as I told myself it was just a phase. I want you so desperately, why is this so? You’ve assaulted and manipulated me, so why do I reap what you should sow?

All you do is seek attention
Begging and praying for a new direction
However, I’m still on your mind
The memory of me has not yet died

You cut me out of your life
But all I did was seek a cordial break
You lust for the thought of dirt on my face
Soaking in your loathing embrace

Grieve me on your own time
Don’t seek validation from public haze
Leave me without a trace
A path of muck lathered in disgrace

You want a taste of new found dignity
Mixed with the sweet sensation of tasty sanity
Unless that leaves a sour taste on your tongue
Spit it back out once like mud that I wrung