A playlist... a collection of sounds.

Strong enough to alter my mood but so distant that nothing can actually change.

A collection of different sounds buzzing in my ears, filling my mind with different words that lack actual meaning to my own life. An escape through sounds; an altered reality.

The mood beginning the day is what processes the following collections of sound through out the day. Can it ever be the same?

I thought you were an angel sent just for me. Everything you showed me showed up green...
Months went by and I slowly started to fade away from you... I couldn't understand why.
I wanted to love you so badly but my heart knew it wasn't right. I couldn't explain the feeling even if I tried...
I made a list of all the things that were screaming in my mind...

You seemed so into me, yet you made everything about yourself. You seemed to care yet you only cared if it made you the main focus...
When you messed up you would fix it with a gift... I told you I hated gifts...
When I was drowning, it felt as if you handed me a bowling ball and said swim faster... How does that work?

I confronted you and somehow it was my fault. Nothing was going to change yet I couldn't let go of you completely.

The words you said running around my brain. "I will be the best thing for you and you won't be able to find any red flags". Why did I skip over this? This being the biggest original Red Flag.

Slowly my eyes didn't see green anymore as everything was turning RED.

My problem is I don't actually know what love is or how to properly "love" someone. I think I do... but love in my head is so ******* up.
Little things I saw throughout my life tell me love only hurts in the end...
-Nights without *** are nights filled with fighting
-Skipping over the "I love you" means they are lying
-Phones staying locked means their is someone else
How do I know these aren't true?
"Love" has only left people broken. Am I wrong?

Things that are "good" for me always end up hurting me... How is love any different?

Funny thing is I do love... I love people...

I allow myself to fight this terrifying thing in my brain for the hope that it won't hurt me like I have seen my entire life?
Will me loving leave me even more broken then me never loving or will I be shown love is a good thing?

Maybe I'll look past the little things. maybe the little things will show me how to properly love.

Or, am I just a coward?

I've never doubted my own version of love...
Maybe I guard myself to much from other peoples versions of love.

-Why is love so painful and confusing?
-Why do I always think they are lying to me?
-Why do I think I am a short-term escape from people?

Is this what "love" does to people?

Will I always be loved as I saw my parents love? Will I learn that my past has changed? Will I always be seen as the girl who didn't know what she was doing and love-able for a short time?

Is it sad I'm in my 20's and still want the fairytale ending?

I have so many questions.

What if I finally woke up and decided to understand my life isn't a mistake...
Did I finally grow up?

Walking down the street, grabbed by the hips and pulled into the feeling of something she wasn’t wanting pushed up against her…
Grabbing her and turning her cries of NO into the soft sweet whispers of YES…
The only thing rushing through her mind was the thought of the child that comes after, will he grow to be just as harsh and wrong as the man who forced the words daddy from her lips… or will she be just as fearful of men as her mother is…
How could she force herself to love something that even involved him?
How could she make herself carry it for those 9 painful months, knowing it’s a monsters...
Was the entry forced upon her worth the struggles she now has to go through? Was his need for pleasure so great that her life thoughts and goals were not thought of??
Not knowing his name until three days later sitting in the hospital bed, finding out his name through the DNA forced inside of her…
The tear stains still stung into her cheeks, the screams still piercing through her mind and ears…
Her family still scared of the night their child ran through the front door and crashed on the floor screaming, her ear piercing scream left a hole in all their hearts… but mostly hers…
Scared of the *** that could have been passed to her, scared of the torture that men will only see her as a toy and that she will never actually trust them…
Trust gone as soon as her pants left her hips, the word yes now takes a moment before it slips of her lips...
Tears don’t fall as often because walls have been built, emotions now hardened into harsh thoughts, guys now looked at like devils coming to attack her at any moment…
The pain of her trying to push, making her weak… losing the strength one twist or push at a time… squirming under his grasp…
Strong hands pinning her down making her unable to breath let alone move, still she screams…
Even though her voice can't go any louder, it sounds like no one can hear a single word, and if they can their too busy to care about one girls life…
*****, ****… words that scare her, words that now claim here even though it wasn’t her fault… words that now haunt her, ringing through her head day in and day out…
Her nights now filled with haunted memories, her nights now filled with whispered cries, her nights now end in pain…
The sad part…
That girl now wishes she was dead.

The sound of his favourite band fills the car speakers while he tells me about the night ahead of us.
The road seeming to disappear under the tires as we drive by; the houses we passed lit up with the decorations for the holiday soon approaching.
My stomach gurgling with the anticipation of the food set on the table back home.
Everything seeming to be blissful...

That bliss seems to end very quickly as we come to the last turn towards our destination,
The blue Subaru I grew to love now spinning as my body connects with every corner of the passenger seat.
My ears fill with silence continuing with a ring so piercing I lose focus on the world around me.
The impact against my face so intense there was black stained rings around my eyes for days.
His only words were "I'm so sorry..." as if it was his fault... the police said the opposite...

Crawling out the side door to escape the smoke like smell filling the inside of the car; hiding my head on the cold pavement to escape the sirens.
Shock filling my body...
Confusion running through my brain as people are yelling, police are talking...
Blue and red lights filling the cloudy air....
The end came silence when the truck pulled that Subaru I came to love away...

When I was just 2 years old my parents pushed each other to the point of breaking,
My house hold was a war zone for at least 5 years… no happy smiles and no giggling after dark
I sat in my room dreaming about what it would have been like if I was the lawyer that ruined my life…
If I could have let this little girls life fall apart right in front of her.
If I could have been the one to say yes to her parents leaving her in a room for longer than should be accepted.
If I could have just sat there looking at her crying mother and done nothing
…
Now im 15, im older… its whatever now
I guess im used to seeing my mom cry and my dad yell for no reason
I guess ive adapted to not having a perfect life like all my so called “friends” do
Sometimes I wonder how that lawyers life was affected like mine was 13 years later
I guess little girls crying every night isn’t a big enough trigger warning…
…
17, I still lay down and think how heartless you must be
You’ve made me wonder, what if its my fault….
What if they didn’t want me, what if I was the one to cause the fights?
No that cant be I was just a child, you said they loved me…
…
I turned 25 today,
I guess I forgive you, you were just doing your job…
And I cant hold you accountable for the pain i've felt for the last 23 years.
I cant blame you for having my life crumble beneath my feet,
I cant tell you how much im sorry for screaming, how sorry I am for sheading all of those tears…
And how sorry I am to tell you that my life line is in your hands…
…
Im going be turning 26 in less than five months!
Guess that means a new begginning, new life for me, but trust me your not getting involved in this one