I wish I could tear off every piece of me
Change my form fundamentally, from within
I wish I could build myself, careful, slowly,
Choosing the bones, joining muscles, sinew, skin
Maybe then I'll feel strong, like I'm capable of more
Maybe I'll feel okay about my reflection
Perhaps I'll hope, in ways I didn't, before
Perhaps I'll have control of life's direction.

Maybe we're all beggars in ways we don't understand
Unconscious, asking, trying not to demand
Believing we've been dealt an unlucky hand
Playing in ways that go wrong, the moves unplanned
Maybe we'll make it right, with luck on our side
Trying not to break, at least we'll have tried
If it has to end someday, let's enjoy the ride
If life is pain, at least death can be dignified.

"What plans do you have? Doing anything fun?"
How do I say that I plan to have none?
If a filled calendar means I'm living right
I'd gladly live wrong, with peaceful days and nights
"Seize each moment, you're running out of time!"
I'd rather enjoy what's left of my prime
Quiet, indoors, away from loud nonsense
Feeling alive in the sound of silence.

What if I'm shaped like a square
When the world is made of circles?
Should I smooth my sharp corners,
Or should I just add more edges?
Where do I learn to conform,
To fit in spaces that aren't for me?
Should I change to fit the norm,
Or create another, entirely?
How do I choose parts of myself
To keep, to let go, to borrow?
Can I retain my identity,
While evolving past tomorrow?

Keep it together.
Don't lose control.
Don't let go.
Calm down!
Don't lose it.
Hold. It. In.
Don't worry!
You're so blessed!
How can you worry?
What's there to worry about?
Breathe.
Deep breaths.
It's not working!
Is it working?
Don't panic!
It's just anxiety.
It's just stress.
It'll go away.
I can't do this anymore
Don't lose steam.
Relax.
What do you mean, "you can't relax"?
It's all in your head.
It's just self-pity.
It could be worse!
You're so entitled.
Don't let anyone know about this!
Don't make a sound.
I think I'm going crazy.
Just act normal.
Just act normal.
Just act normal.
If you act normal,
Maybe you'll start to feel normal?

Is it called drowning
If it happens in a pool
I chose to swim in?

Maybe there's no hope, too much time has passed
Whatever I started, never did last
Oh how I wished, I wished it would endure
Perhaps I did it with a heart impure
And now I look at the blank road ahead
Wanting to exist somewhere else instead
To retrace paths and restart, unseen
To come back feeling proud, with my conscience clean
But the laws of physics don't work that way
So if I have to live another day
I'll start again with no expectation
Maybe enjoy the process of creation,
Cast away the ropes that left my hands tied,
Be less consumed by the demons inside.
Let me forgive my mistakes, in the mind
Let me find the strength to leave them behind.