מלמעלה אני רואה את הכל אבל פתאום נשבר לי הלב עם כל הכוחות שיש לי ואין לי מה לעשות עם זה

From above I see everything, but suddenly my heart breaks with all the strengths that  I have and I can't do anything about it.

there was love
as it were
as much as was available
which sometimes wasn’t much
but a man in a desert can rejoice over a teaspoon of water

For all of my life
I have been plagued with something
that I didn't know the name of
and than when I grew up
and I came to know what the name was
it all felt wrong to me
and I wanna speak my truth
but I fear for my words
for others
will label me as hateful
when really I wanna share it
because I think
healing is powerful and its possible
I am trying to own my truth
and not care what others think or say
from the time I was a child
I experienced lots of harrassment and violence
which i internalized to mean
that it was because I was a woman
so its like half of me loves feminine things
and the other half of me  just wants to be a man
so often
When I look at her she feels afraid
because they told her growing up
to shut up and be silent
to cook clean and be still
and that never quenched her spirit
so in my life
I have always done the hard things
I am choosing to sit with myself
to learn how to accept myself more
for I know that if i were to transition
or to slap a label on myself
I would just keep on hiding my true self
and I would always try to be something that I am not
so even though at times it hurts deeply
only really because of the mysogonoy
that I still see around me and experience at times
I will still choose to sit in my life
and I am still choosing to heal myself
and to have hope
that I am getting better little by little
I wish more voices like mine
can be heard
without being labeled
as hateful
for I don't hate
I understand there is a real lack of knowledge
out there in the world
and people like me
who don't fit the perfect mysognistic box of how women
are suppose to be
should be embraced and held instead of judged
this is my truth
and I have been longing to make it heard
for a very long time.

its like one side of me feels so frozen from trauma
it hurts to breathe
to shed myself
from pain
the depth of confusion
and stillness
that leaks inside of me
and outside
of the walls inside of me
been suffering for a while
but it feels hard
but softer at the same time.

many dying from starvation
and not only lack of food

complete narcissism is hellish
and not just for the sufferer

I have realized
life is really about perspective
for all the years i lived here
all I could see was the darkness in others
because that's all I saw in myself
and now that i am slowly starting to see myself
to love myself and to accept myself even just a little bit more
I am starting to see the light in others around me
the kindness in others
of how kind and loving Israelis are
and that women can be very kind and very loving
I am starting to see the men around me too
become more kind and loving.
Maybe life is more simple than we think it is
maybe a huge part of healing
is just changing our perspective
of ourselves
and the world within and around us.