All I remember since living here
the past 3 years
is mostly lots and lots of hardships
I wonder to myself
is this all worth it?
I just don't know anymore ...

As I sit here crying all by myself
the pain of my life
just gets to me
everyday feels like a year ,
I've lost so much in my life
yet I still see the good in it
I guess, 
that it was worth it .

But when i interact with others
I just wish that I could have a family
that I could speak to,
or even just one good friend.

I don't think that's asking for so much ...
I checked my brother's Instagram today
after months of not,
and I wish I still didn't care
after the ways he has abused me so,
but I do
I worry
looking at his shaven head and his gaunt body
to the brother who was once
my best friend in this whole world,
the one that I felt,
loved me no mater what ,
but turns out that this was never love
it was abuse and trauma bonds,
which is reflected in the way that he now appears,
as this scary looking gangster man,
who cares more about money& his ego
than loving and caring about others.

And I just ask myself why??

But I think it was always this way
or maybe it wasn't ,
Life just feels so painful
in some moments .

I just so badly wish
that I didn't feel anything in my heart,
I feel so often
that I wasn't born for this world,
I am just so extremely sensitive
and I love with such a big heart,
that I remember every single fling
I had, and I still love every man who cuddled with me
and hugged my little heart so tight :(
To know that the ones that I loved
could care less about me,
bleeds with a soul knife
that  just likes to taunt me
all the time
with its memories.

I wear the badge of honor on my chest,
saying I've been through hell and back
and I'm still living,
some say
that when they've looked into my eyes
they see an undeniable strength
and deep intense pain
so what do I say to that ,
I say that is truth.
But maybe I wanna stop having to feel that
my victim stories
are all who I am
because they are not,
I am only now starting to find myself
at 26 it feels so late in a way
its so hard to relate to many people

I feel like the  small talk
makes escape feel easy
or hard whichever way you wanna see it
I feel like I wanna just run again
change my name
so I forget my family
so I forget the religion
that brought me up
to shame myself
my body
my sexuality
and to make me hate my gender
of being a women
when will we stop allowing others
to teach our children hatred
I wanna be a force of fire
in the world
a fire to eradicate the abuse
the hurting the pain
to be the voice of the voiceless
maybe my poetry
helps someone I don't know
maybe this is why I write
real pain exists in the world
but it doesn't end there ,
I am healing ,
but the road can be quite rocky at times
so I wear my battle scars
as a badge of honor
to know I've made it this far
so I can go on
for more
for longer
to hold out for hope
that things will get better and improve.

Thick thighs
I would love to feel them beneath my hands
press my hands against you
feel your body beneath mine
and hear your cry

rebuilding my life apart from the toxicity
every time i listen to myself
cook myself a meal
spend a day in peace and harmony
knowing i don't have to deal with treachery anymore
healing is in the small things

Maybe this sounds hippie of me
although some might classify me as that
being who I truly who I am ,
but I can't be classified
into to tiny boxes,
just to please others.
:
Its like I left therapy
and I felt so free
more free than I have felt ,
in the longest time
realizing that who we are
is always who we are
even though
my" family and friends",
spend decades hurting me
because they hated who I was,
for whatever reason that is,
maybe its  because I break
their expectations of what a woman
is suppose to be like,
act like and who
she is suppose to love,
some will say I'm a rebel
a ****
a witch
a ******
an emo
a freak
a loser
messy
etc...
I've been called it all...
maybe others can't stand
to see others living more in their authentic truth,
so they like to hurt and project their pain onto others,

maybe our bodies and minds
hold back certein truths about ourselves
so that we don't see it until we are more ready to love ourselves,
           :
Its like for so long
I liked certein types of men
that I was raised to hate,
because they weren't "man enough."

I was forced to live without boundaries
to like people that were abusive
because that's all that I knew,
when the whole time my body always knew the truth.

or that I was forced to hide my love for women,
because I was brought up in a home and in a religion
where if you are one of those,
the shame the level of being ostracized is so high,
I remember hearing stories of "the gays"
growing up
while always internally knowing,
that part of me is like that too,
to be able to sit with a therapist
and have her say to me
who you are is perfectly alright,
and  that it doesn't quite matter,
you have choice
you are free!!!

See that I've never had in my life,
the more I step away from the horrors of my old life,
the more I am able to acknowledge
how horrific it was,
and sometimes just the fact that,
I am alive and breathing is a blessing
in itself.
If you made it this far ,
leave a comment below
and tell me if you relate:)

sometimes I think
I wander
what is the point in it all?!
sometimes the pain
that I feel so deep
INSIDE
feels just too much too
bear
to meet myself inside
with all my pains
dissapointments
wishing pains
of laughter
feel so lonely
it hurts to breathe
when I sit in therapy
struggling to breathe
to be present
it feels chokin
to feel the pain
of being alive
to feel the pain
of the past
that is no longer present
except within
to ask questions to my pain
and to hear it responding
but maybe there is a purpose
to it all
eventhough
its so painful
maybe my pain matters alot.
maybe my body always loves me
what if ive been taught lies all this time
that I don't matter
I don't count
and that I should just shrink down
and dissapear
no maybe
I was meant to be a change in the world,
to see that the pain internally
is reflected by what is not in alignment
in my life ,
to recenter myself
realign my life
and to live a life with greater meaning
even if that sometimes includes some pain.

break the rules
listen to the pulsing music
crash the things
holding me back
allow my anger to take hold of me
to feel it for the first time in my life
F the standards
F being a good gurl
F being a people pleaser
and
F being fake
Yes to being me
and to being authentic
its cost me alot
many things to be myself
so now I will be myself
and if anyone tries to bully me
I will give it to you back,
so watch out
be kind to all
you never know
who will become a bad ***
mother fcker one day.

Trust me
noone ever thought it would be me.
I was always the people pleaser
catering to everyone else
never speaking my truth
and never saying what I thought
currently unlearning
I will take my power back
and I will fight for the silenced
the ones that society doesn't care for,
well I  will care for
them.