It's like a hunger
but larger than one for food
that almost consumes me.
Its a hunger for love
for real acceptance
for others seeing me as who
I AM
without masks
with being able to be free
from the never ending ache and pain
in my soul ,
of utter rejection and torture
by my own flesh and blood,
each birthday that passes
each shabbat dinner that passes
and each  holiday that I live on ,without them.

Feels like a possession in a way.

I am  yet so free on one hand
but on the other hand I still feel  so trapped in pulsating pain

But why do we fear pain ??

maybe if we take our pain and our fears
and we learn to love it ,
to sit beside it,
with our demons,
we can learn how to truly love and live life,
more fully and more deeply
          
I am learning to accept
that this pain is me,
and I am this pain,
and I am my feelings, but I am also not them
that I can choose the trajectory  of my life
to learn how powerful I truly am.
               ^
How one look or stare
can bring people to their knees.
                     ^
see because  when you have lived through things like I have
you really understand pain more than anything else,
Pain is the central emotion,
that I felt so much that I was numb for so long
now I am carrying my pain and allowing it to be heard
slowly more and more
to sit in the fields
and to just scream my guts out
and to yell all the curses outloud,
                     ^
I have seen and lived through more pits
of unbearable hell.
Than most,
who  haven't survived,
nonethless I came out alive
which is a big feat in itself.
                            ^
I feel that I can read people's secrets through their eyes
the things they don't wanna tell others
the desires that they try to suppress deep inside.
                           *
But what I have learned
is that religion or culture might try to suppress
what they think
is "bad" or "wrong".

But that is what all humans crave on some level,
and until we sit and see this and own all of this.
only than can we be truly free
and it gives you true power,

Not fake power,
see I have met many "successful people"
in my life
but most lived in a prison
of the rat race
or of religion
and that is true prison ,
you can be rich and be free
it is all choice,
and I think the greatest power
is to be in the process
of truly being who you are
regardless,
if many reject you or hate you ,
usually it is because you have a really great purpose
in this world,
because the ones that people judge the most,
Are usually  the ones that are the most powerful desired
successful and happy people.

I hate the men
that hurt me so deeply
I hate the women
who tore my heart open
and ate me alive
that's why as much as I want to be in love
I am so afraid of it
because of my past.
One of my past abusers
messeged me
today
that he knows that he assaulted me and wishes to talk
and hopes I am good
what did you think ?
because I am a woman
that you can decevie me
no i see right through your devilish ways
and I know you ahve assaulted other women besdies me
it makes me so so angry
never will anyone
take away my kindenss
I learnt real kindness means
making sure bad people never get access to you
and letting the universe take care of them.

I trust that god will do what needs to be done
and I will always trust myself.

liberal & conservative both are prisons with different features
in order to achieve the  true freedom you must exit both
and learn how to think for yourself !
see the lies within both and the truth in the end.
Learn how to  
exit the matrix

5 months of sobriety
i literally never thought
this was possible for me
ever.
you can accomplish anything.

what this culture taught me here
is beauty in simplicity
in being ourselves in wearing jeans and graphic tees
barefoot partying
in loving life despite the chaos and pain surrounding us
in strength in unity and in the pulsing heat
and the clammer and fast paced hebrew life
and in the immense  amount of beauty in this
land  
that I can now proudly call my home.

it seems the more i heal
the more I cry
I cry for all of the years
I was so numb
I never knew how I felt
others may look at crying as a weakness
but its so strong to cry
to release emotions
to be in tune with the self
to look at your fears
at your shadow self in the mirror
and claim yourself
and say yes these "darker "parts of me
are still me
to realize your fears and your past traumas
and work on actually healing them
you learn how to take control of your life
instead of just letting it pass you by
and making you the victim.

I just remembered
how the best friend that  i thought  i had growing up
who was also my first love
how horrible she and my other friends were too m e
throughout my whole life
I still don't understand how people can be so so horrid,
how when I was bullied throughout my life, they never cared
how when I confronted her about at age 21 she couldn't believe me,
how they gaslit me and my pain
how they defended my enemies
the ones who scorched me alive with their words
the one who sided with my own mother and parents,
when I told her how much they abused me
& how my dad  ***** me so much,
that they made me at that time, want to slit my throat
and still she proceeded on.

Now i see you and your true colors
your all liars & horrible people
and I am so blessed that I cut you all out of my life.

The ones who took advantage of
my love my kindness my pure heart
the one who only wanted her whole life
to be loved in the way that I tried to love others.
All my ex friends ex family& ex flings
everyone used me and bullied me.

Does anyone fathom the pain?!!

I just don't relate to most people
who say oh I went through a few hard things,
my whole life for along while ,
it was hell on earth
i don't know  how I'm alive
I don't
but I promise to myself
that number one I will create goodness in the world
and i will not shut up about my past
so that other  people know that this level of abuse is truly out there,
so that they also know that is is possible to heal
from all of this pain and move on and create beauty out of pain.

How so many souls are tortured alive
by their own blood
by the people who claim to love  them
and really are just waiting to stab them
when their flesh is still raw
when people would blame me for the rapes done to me
of how much real religion is  a machine for torture and  abuse
of how much hell truly goes on,
how its hard to look in the mirror
or  to feel my body sometimes
because its known so much pain
to feel so much pain for just being a women
that your whole life  you thought you wanted to be both a girl and a boy
and really now realizing now,
that  I was just abused horriffcly
that feeling growing up  that I was a women, felt so so unsafe,
so that's how many women feel in 2023
this world needs to change
and i won't shut up about it.