Alexandra Meelan

Alexandra Meelan Dec 2017

I'm not insane, am I?

I just fantasize people's deaths

So I could believe they didn't

exist anymore.

So I wouldn't have to see

the ones who hurt me.

The ones who tormented me so much.

I'm not insane, am I?

I just like the way blood tastes.

When it rolls down my arm.

When i can feel the warm,

crimson liquid,

pouring out.

It tastes sweet.

I'm not insane, am I?

My mom says I can't have

sharp things.

Is it because I like to cut

the people who hurt me?

Because I want to make them feel

my pain?

I'm still not insane, right?

If you hurt me,

you'd expect me to cry,

to hurt.

But instead,

I laugh,

Hysterically.

Producing the scariest sound

you've ever heard.

Nope, not insane.

I shake.

I scream.

I cry.

I laugh.

I lose myself.

Still not insane.

I'm lost.

I'm confused.

I'm frustrated.

I'm stressed.

I'm happy.

I'm lonely.

I'm young.

I'm insane.

Alexandra Meelan Dec 2017

Depression Meet Anxiety

I want to be left alone
                                                                I don't want to feel alone
I want someone to hug me.
                                                                I hate being touched.
I want to tell someone.
                                                                People scare me.
I want to speak.
                                                                I can't open up.
I want comfort.
                                                                I push people away.
"I'll be fine."
                                                                "No you won't."
"But I will."
                                                                "What if something happens?"
"No, it'll be okay."
                                                                "But now you're doubting yourself."
"NO."
                                                                "Oh come on. I'm a friend."
"You cause so many problems for us."
                                                                "There's nothing you can do now."
"Don't do this."
                                                                "It's too late, I've won."

#depression #anxiety #feelings #confusion

Alexandra Meelan Dec 2017

I'll Be Fine

I couldn't tell anyone.

No one would believe me.

No one would understand.

Who could I trust?

Who could I turn to?

My hands shake.

My fingers twitch.

I stutter.

I can't make full sentences.

I avoid eye contact.

I hide in the corner.

Wanting to speak.

Wanting to tell someone,

something.

But I can't.

Please listen.

Please try to understand.

I didn't ask for it.

And i didn't want it to happen.

But he did.

He wanted it oh so bad.

And he got what he wanted.

My innocence,

My happiness,

My virginity.

You don't believe me either do you?

This is why I don't open up.

No one believes anything,

anything I have to say.

I just wanted help.

I just wanted to be okay.

After trying to find a way out,

I was lost.

No friends.

No one to turn to.

They didn't believe me.

They got me sent away.

I've changed since then.

I'm worse now.

Different.

Nicer,

Meaner,

Lonelier,

I want you to know I'm fine.

I'll be fine.

You don't need to worry.

I'll be fine.

Alexandra Meelan Dec 2017

Get Out of My Head

I can't stop thinking about you,

And how you hurt me.

How I stayed with you,

Even when you did.

How long i waited for you to change,

How much i changed to keep you.

How much you used to mean to me.

I cant get you out of my head

I lay awake at night,

Wishing for it to end,

Waiting for my thoughts to escape me,

Wanting things to be different.

Trying to stay strong for you,

Hoping something will change.

Wasting time trying to be perfect.

I can't get you out of my head.

You said you loved me, but never showed it

You said you needed me, but never called me.

You said you wanted me, but did you really?

I left for a good reason,

A great one.

I hate everything to do with you.

But why does a small part of me,

Still care?

I can't get you out of my head

Get out of my thoughts,

Get out of my mind,

Get out of my dreams,

Get out of my nightmares,

Get out of my heart,

Get out of my life,

Get out of my head.

Alexandra Meelan Dec 2017

The Deepest Scar

Why do i feel so alone?
Why does it feel like nobody cares?
They say they do, but they don't act like it.
They don't show it.
I want to feel loved.
I want to be important to someone.
I want to be able to love someone
without getting hurt.
Not physically hurt.
Much worse.
Emotionally.
Mentally.
I have more scars than there are to be seen.
Not all of them are visible
Not all of them are touchable.
Not all of them can be healed.
But each of them are on the inside.
Each one is different than the next.
Some deeper than others.
Each one tears me up inside.
I cry for relief.
I cry for the pain to go away.
I cry to be loved,
wanted,
appreciated.
I cry alone.
No one can hear me.
I cry inside.
I cry by myself,
to myself,
inside.
No one sees it,
I hide it well.
My smile is not real.
It's my camouflage.
They see me as fine.
That's how I want it to be.
But in truth:
im not
I never was.
Never will I be
No one can help me.
I'm too far gone.
There's no fixing this.
There's no fixing me.
Not now.
Not ever.
They broke me.
Not my heart.
Not my brain.
Me.
All that I am.
All that I was.
I'm gone.
I'm not me anymore.
I'm what's left of what I was.
My heart,
my mind,
my body.
Nothing is the same.
I've changed.
I can see that I have.
They can't.
No one can.
I hide it.
I hide it with my emotions,
my mentality,
my,
happiness.
My feelings,
all gone.
I'm empty.
There's nothing left of me now.
No hope,
No love,
No pain.

#depression #lonely #sad #crying

Alexandra Meelan Dec 2017

Inside

I scream, yet no one hears.

I cry, yet no one sees.

I call for help, yet no one cares.

No one hears,

No one sees,

No one cares,

because its inside.

They don't know.

They don't need to know.

Inside i keep it.

Inside it stays.

Inside i hide it.

Inside is my friend.

My demon.

My sorrow.

My secret.

Inside it hides.

Waits.

To pounce upon me.

Tearing me apart.

With its claws.

With it's eyes.

I bleed,

I cry,

Inside,

I die

#insanity

— The End —