you know
people are constantly mourning
the version of myself
they created in their minds
but i've really never changed

i'm talking about ten years old
all of a sudden i've become an adult
ready for the push and shove
i'm talking about twelve years old
i'm apathetic and anxious
and antisocial
i'm talking about thirteen years old
i'm a *****
i'm talking back too much
i'm talking about fourteen years old
the time i bleached my hair
and suddenly i was a new kid in class
someone entirely else
you can approach me now
except for my father
because now i look like my mother
which means now i'm ready
to be the outlet of his rage
i'm talking about fifteen years old
freshman year of high school and i'm scared
but friends 1 2 and 3 from last year
see my instagram photos and
decide i'm **** and a ***** and a ****
and i'm so very very very changed.
sixteen years old my hair is back dark
and i'm wearing extra layers
and oh no you can't talk to me anymore
people can't know you associate
i no longer look pretty for your social media
seventeen years old
i cut my hair and dyed it purple
no one talks to me anymore
not even the kind ones
apparently i'm too far gone
eighteen years old
i've been through black, blonde, purple, brown and blue
i'm supposed to be more adult now
so my mother thinks i just must be cruel
i cut off all my hair
they think that changed me, too
nineteen years old
great news, i'm transgender
they're holding funerals for me back home
i dye my hair pink
my friends who i've known for only months, weeks, say

i can't recognize you
you've changed

I thought if I could swallow the stars
I’d be as beautiful as the evening sky
I tried one night    with fireflies
They burned my throat
Their legs striking at soft flesh
But my skin did not glow
No moon crawled from my eye sockets
I was left with corpses in my stomach
I soon learned I would only ever be
A cemetery

Never ask "Are you a happy mirror?",
I did this mistake once,
Now I brush my teeth in front of smartphones.

Ok ok,    I may have skewed the details
Like how you were   digging the deep weeds out
And giggled as I fainted from the heat   or when
I said that if I had bigger ****  you wouldn’t have
Me doing    this    type   of   work  
But you did say: Keep  on talkin’ like that   and see
I gutted the gravel and sand bags as you spread them
Out on the yard    who knew leveling the ground
Would be    this ******* hard
At some point, I guzzled a can of ale    and almost
Hit you with the shovel     digging for any type
Of emotion  I admit,  maybe it was just my fault
I was   crying
Your face and clothes were drenched with sweat and
I was so angry that  you hadn’t called me
Beautiful    
And girls like me     we don’t get that
Luxury

I didn’t hear you when you asked for
A kiss

Firmly believing
That the past doesn't dictate your future
How do I advertise myself to you in that sense
Whatever story I have to tell
Is buried in the footprints
I left on the way here

For all the men I’m ****** to love
For all the deaths I’m doomed to die
I lay in wait one crest above
The wave on which fate idles by

Of course I will help you
That's what I like to do
Just don't leave afterwards
And make these your last words

I will try my best to support you
With whatever I can do
But please just don't take this for granted
Don't make this friendship slanted

There is nothing I won't do for you
But will you do these things for me too?
I do not want to be used
I won't hurt but will be bruised

So I guess I will say it
I can no longer take it
I have simply had enough
I cannot handle your stuff

You've used me as a pillow
I've turned into a grey willow
Cause you never stood me tall
I am always at a fall

Of course I had helped you
It's what people should do
But now, I'm lugging this heft
Cause I was the one who left