i turned eighteen today
the voice in my head had, something to say
“you’ve done so well, 132”
she told me “no one will recognize you”
that was before i lost all self control
looking around i see the ice cream bowl
now all i can do is eat
and eat

i can feel it happening
the change all around
my feet once steady on the ground
are floating away again
i am looking for something to hold
but i’m just too far gone truth to be told
where will i end up
no one knows for a fact
i hope a little piece of me will remain intact

if only i knew
as i dragged the blade across my skin
there would never be a way to win
i look around and see
it’s slowly falling apart
it won’t be long now until you depart
i can feel you fading
i fear there’s nothing for me to say
that will make you want to stay
but please
stay

some people say depression is like drowning
but for me you see it’s like floating
i just wish i could float away
and be gone

one after another

they spill out

no control

even i have lost the truth

buried it like a secret treasure

hidden in the deep blue sea

i just hope i can find the key

and finally set the truth free

it was getting better
i swear
i could smile, i could laugh
but now i'm a zombie
i'm not even me
you say you love me
but how could you when i'm not really even me

sometimes i wonder
if i left would you really miss me
i know you’re thinking you would
but the thing is
i know you already miss me
because i have been gone for a while now

how is it possible
to feel so incredibly empty
but yet my brain won’t shut up

i’m lost
i can’t tell anymore
who i am
how i feel
where i’m going
i want this to be over
all of it
i’m tired
i’m just so tired

i want to kick and scream
yell at my self for being mean
i want to cry out for help
but i can’t
i can’t move
i’m paralyzed

i can still feel it you know
it doesn't go away
i don't think it ever really will
i loved you
i really did

through all of the pain
i’ve had someone else to blame
but now i feel quite the same
as i take my final look around
there is no one to be found
and i realized this was a fault none other than my own
oh how i wish i could have known before i was all alone
now all i feel is anger
only this time towards myself

took a look in the mirror today
looked into those deep sunken grey eyes
i wished i could apologize
grazed my finger across my skin
across the scars
i want to apologize
talked to my mom
heard the pain in her voice
if only i could apologize
saw you across the hall
remembered the burden i was  
i need to apologize
i should have apologized
now it’s too late

here i am again
what happened
i’m running that blade against my skin
waiting to be paper thin
i’ve lost myself
i need help
but no one can
drinking the nights away
sleeping the days
who am i now
i’m not the girl i know
i need help
pushing everyone aside
i’ve done it to myself  
but i still ask
who will help me now because
i need help