Shae Jean

Shae Jean Nov 2015

You haven't left my mind since you left my side.

Goodbye never used to make me cry, till I woke up and realized goodbye could last forever.

I hate you but I'll die before the day comes that I stop loving you.

You were my umbrella in the sun.

I hated you for being a hero, but you were just doing the best you could.

You became my reason to hold on, when I should have been my reason to stay strong.

It feels like you're dead, but you're still answering my texts.

I promised myself I wouldn't talk to you, I guess you were right to call me a fool.

And they're all telling me I'm pretty, but they haven't seen my mind.

You never liked it when I called you Superman.

You despised yourself, and I never understood why.

I don't know why you tried to save me, when you couldn't save yourself.

These are from my entries in my journal like, months ago. I'm so behind in posting. And I'm going to try to be a bit more positive.

Shae Jean Aug 2015

beginning to a song I'll never finish:

If I close my eyes,
I can see my grave from the inside.
My fears leave me tongue tied,
And the dark leaves me terrified.
I wish I could think straight but my minds gone blind…
To my future.

#suicide #depression #eyes #darkness

Shae Jean Aug 2015

I'm sorry

At two in the morning,
everything looses meaning.
You haven't slept for days,
and maybe the lack of sleep,
helps take away from the sting
of the blade against your wrist.
You're covered in late night agonies,
that only turn into daytime lies.

I can't do this any longer

#cutting #hate #pain #selfharm #agony

Shae Jean Aug 2015

I don't want to be alone

When I was a little girl, it didn’t hurt so much that I didn’t have friends. I was too young to understand that being alone wasn’t normal. I didn’t know what being attached to someone was like. I always just depended on myself. Now that I’m older, and I see all these people. They all have someone. And I’ve only gotten mockingly close. Close enough to briefly taste what it’s like not to be alone. What it’s like to have someone help you counter the voices in your head. I got just close enough to realize that I was missing out. Enough to realize how dysfunctional I am. I am not capable of being with people. But I also know now that I don’t want to be alone.

Shae Jean Jul 2015

you told me not to need people and now I know why

You told me it was bad to need people,
So I felt sick the day I realized I needed you.
And you'll be gone for a month, next week,
And I wonder if she's keeping you warm.
I wonder if she's in your arms at night.
I wonder if she's why you don't text back.
And I wonder, if you need her, and maybe,
That's why you decided to leave this place.

Shae Jean Jul 2015

To all of the broken:

Oh beloved, courageous warrior,
What heartbreak have you faced?
What terrors turned your heart so cold,
That you hide from loves embrace?
Kindness has abandoned you,
And hatred’s took its place.
Your mind so full of hurtful words,
It’s overflowed upon your wrists.

Shae Jean Apr 2015

Fairytale

Stop living your life like it's a fairytale.
Because this is the real world,
Wishes and happy endings don't magically come true.
And maybe in other countries, princesses still exists,
But this is America, the land of promise!
And I'm starting to realize that your promises,
Didn't mean a thing.
If I were a castle,
Then you smashed my windows.
And the words "I never really loved you"
Landed like the broken shards of glass on my skin.
And... I got those windows fixed,
But they are not the same windows I looked through when I was first built.
They're smaller and thicker,
So that when you come back around,
They will withstand the boulders you catapult at my walls.
There's no such thing as valiant Knights.
Only dragons.
And it's up to you to save yourself.